Better Off Dead
Better Off Dead is one of those 80’s movies that a number of people don’t get. It’s surreal, fantastical, slapstick-y, absurd, and yes, there is a claymation hamburger that sings along with Van Halen.
It’s f*cking funny you guys.
Better Off Dead focuses on Lane Meyer (John Cusack), an average-ish highschool student who showers with his socks on and has a VERY unhealthy obsession with his girlfriend Beth. When she dumps him at the end of the year for the class ski champ/asshole, aptly named Roy Stalin, he makes various and half-hearted attempts at suicide: hanging, carbon monoxide poisoning, self-immolation. Of course, he realizes that this is an extreme response, and soon decides to woo his lady love back by training to ski the terrifying K-12 slope. Together with his drugged out side-kick Charles de Mar (Curtis Armstrong) and a conveniently adorable foreign exchange student from across the street, this goes– not at all according to plan.
While not a huge success when it was released (and John Cusack HATED it at the time), Better Off Dead has accumulated a cult following of those who appreciate an alternative to the quirky but less bizarre teen films of the era. For myself (a girl who was soon to become obsessed with the John Cusack of Say Anything), it was my first introduction to a cute boy playing a girl saxophone over a romantic TV dinner.
The bar was set low from an early age. Merci buckets Blockbuster Video!
So here is a Better Off Dead movie menu that should make you giggle a little bit. Maybe not as sentient as the concoctions of Mrs. Meyer, but hopefully more tasty. Note, the tiny guitar is an *optional ingredient.
The Movie
The Menu
Charles De Mar, what a hilarious mess. I mean who snorts green jello? The kind of guy who mixes his eggnog with lighter fluid that's who. So cheers to you Charles-- here is a snowy, Meyer lemon-y granita with enough pine wood-y gin it probably has legit street value. It might even freeze the left half of your brain! See ingredients below: Begin by juicing your lemons. Note, you can do this via traditional methods, OR you can throw them against neighborhood street signs ala Monique. Get's the justified angst out. Once juiced, mix with syrup, club soda, and gin and transfer to a metal 13 x 9-inch baking pan. Freeze for 4 hours, and rake with a fork to fluff into a granita/snowy texture. Refreeze, and serve... ...I advise APRES ski. Otherwise you wouldn't be able to SKI ON ONE SKI, let alone follow along detailed and technically sound instructions like: "Go that way, really fast" and "If something gets in your way, turn." Simple syrup is just equal parts sugar and water, simmered until the sugar granules are dissolved. In order to make 1/2 cup, you might want to start with a little less than 3/4 cup of each to allow for some evaporation. Maybe the best, most creative scene in Better Off Dead-- and obviously I had to pay tribute. Besides, you need protein if you're gonna ski the K12. Don't worry, I did NOT boil the bacon. In a nonstick or cast iron pan/griddle, fry up four slices of bacon. For burgers I prefer to layer two bacon "circles" on each burger, but the team at SeriousEats can give you the pros and cons of various bacon shapes. While your bacon is crisping, cut your remaining two slices into eety beety pieces and toss them in with your ground pork, salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Then, lay out all the rest of your ingredients in anticipation... Lightly butter your hamburger buns and toast on a greased griddle-- you can throw the onion on with! When buns have toasted, remove from the griddle and flip your onion-- continue to cook IT for another couple of minutes until softened slighly. Set aside. Now time for your burgers-- pat your ground pork and bacon into patties the diameter of your buns (they should be about an inch thick) and make a shallow dent in the middle of each. Place on a medium high griddle and cook, undisturbed, for about 5 minutes. Flip, place a slice of cheese on top, and continue to sizzle, for another 4-5 minutes-- your cheese should get gooey melty. Time to layer! Spread mayo on your buns, then proceed in this order: cheese covered pattie, two bacon circles, tomato slice, softened onion slices, butter lettuce. EVERYBODY WANTS SOOOOOME!!!!!!!!! Not the first nor the last of Mrs. Meyer's delightfully (maybe disturbingly) flubbed recipes-- her FRONCH themed dinner in honor of actual French citizen and very good sport Monique. So here's some thick cut FRONCH fries (see Pig Burger footage for reference on size) and a creamy FRONCH dressing that honestly tastes like a yummy fry sauce. So good, it'll make you think fried food is ze REAL international language... Start by peeling and cutting your potatoes into 1/2 inch thick strips-- submerge in cold water as you prep to avoid potatoes turning brown. Add vinegar, salt, 2 qts of water and potatoes to a large stock pot and bring to a boil-- cook for 10 minutes until tender, but not completely falling apart. Remove from heat with a strainer and lay out on paper towels. Allow to come to room temperature. While you wait, heat oil in the same pot to roughly 380 degrees (I use a candy thermometer to make sure I've got the right temp). When you're ready to fry separate your potatoes into four batches and fry each for 1 minute. Temperature will fluctuate as you add and remove batches, so play with your gauge and wait between batches to make sure you stay at around 380. A word of advice-- do NOT try for less than four batches. Your oil could boil over and cause a grease fire and those are never, I repeat NEVER, fun. Drain each batch on paper towels, and allow to come to room temperature. Let sit for 30 minutes. While your taters is resting, you can whisk together your FRONCH dressing. Add all your ingredients to a small blender or processor and puree until smooth. Refrigerate until ready to serve. And now back to your taters-- bring your oil back up to frying temp (this should take about 5 minutes), and fry your batches again, this time about 3 minutes per batch. You're looking for a golden brown color. Remove each batch from the hot oil with a mesh strainer and drain on paper towels. Sprinkle immediately with salt and dip (but not slurp, Ricky) into your creamy FRONCH dressing. ... maybe next time, calamari? "I got the recipe from a magazine. The mail got wet in the rain, so some of the pages ran together, but what I couldn't read I just... improvised with my own little... creative ideas. It's got raisins in it. You LIKE raisins." Nuff said. Ok really this is a pistachio pudding with a rum raisin and pistachio garnish. It's delicious, not sentient (I don't think), and It's not that many ingredients, look! Begin by soaking your raisins and rum and set aside to marinate. Cover tightly and set aside. Grind your pistachios in your food processor until they are as finely ground as possible, about 3-4 minutes. Add half of your sugar and 1 tablespoon milk and pulse until a paste forms. When ready to serve, pour into pudding bowls/cups and top off with chopped rum raisins and your extra pistachios. Eat quickly, before it skidaddles.
This is pure snow!
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Everybody Wants Some Pigburger
Ingredients
Instructions
Fronch Fries with Fronch Dressing
Ingredients
Instructions
It's Got Raisins in it!
Ingredients
Instructions
Combine the paste with the remaining milk in a large saucepan and cook over medium heat, whisking to break up any clumps, until the mixture begins to steam. While the milk is heating, go back to your food processor and add the remaining sugar with the egg, yolks, cornstarch, and salt-- process until combined. With the food processor still running, slowly add ½ cup of the warm milk mixture into the mixture to temper the eggs (if you skip this and add eggs to your steaming liquid, you'll end up with bits of scramby eggs. Add the contents of the food processor back to your saucepan and whisk in with remaing milk mixture. Cook, stirring constantly, until the pudding begins to thicken. 
At this point, I HIGHLY recommend returning the mix back to your food processor, or using an immersion blender, just to make sure the pistachio bits are as smoothed out as possible. This done, add the butter and vanilla, and stir until the butter is melted.
Cover with plastic wrap pressed directly against the surface of the puddings to prevent a skin from forming. Chill for at least 2 hours to allow your puddings to fully set.
Epilogue
I’m stuffed full of food so I’ll just leave you with this. Always, always beware your local paperboy– remember, $2 then would be $5.18 in 2022 with inflation. And they like to be tipped.
Ok the movie’s over…you can go home now.
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!