The 40 Year Old Virgin
The 40 Year Old Virgin is one of those films that reminds you of simpler times– when guys were pretty gross but still pathetically likable. … I guess. …. Can you tell I’m single?
One of Judd Apatow’s first big forays into directing (though Freaks and Geeks came first and is incredible), The 40 Year Old Virgin features a pre-Office Steve Carrell as Andy Stitzer– a shy middle aged virgin who rides his bike to and from work and responsibly signals, helmet firmly affixed, the entire way. To supplement his lack of sexual activity, Andy invests in mountains of collectibles, watches Survivor with his elderly neighbors, and avoids all other human interaction. Really, he’s what we wish all incels would be. Unfortunately for Andy, he attracts the attention of his “big dick energy” colleagues, who make it their mission to get him laid. Obviously, this leads to all sorts of humiliating shenanigans for Andy– until he meets a truly lovely single mom Trish (Katherine Keener), who just happens to be looking for a nice guy. D’awwww moments ensue.
If you haven’t seen this movie, you’re probably a Gen-Zer. In which case I don’t know why you’re reading this blog. But either way, I won’t spoil the ending. Except to say that Andy does, in fact, get laid. Obviously.
So here’s a 40 Year Old Virgin morning boner brekkie for everyone who’s either woken up after a night of extreme love making or has an erection that just won’t go down. We all deserve a nice treat in the morning, especially the Andy-s and the Trish-es. And Paul Rudd because he’s just a perfect human being.
The Movie
The Menu
A mocktail and a cocktail so slutty the cucumber garnish is pickled. Cut the celery in large dice, including the leaves, and puree with a food processor/blender. Add the horseradish, onion, lemon juice, Worcestershire sauce, celery salt, kosher salt, and Tabasco and puree again until smooth. Pour the tomato juice into jar/bowl, stir in the celery and seasonings mixture, and chill. When ready to serve, place a few ice cubes in each glass. Pour the vodka into the slutty glass, followed by enough Mary mix to fill to the top, and garnish with a slice of pickle. Garnish your Virgin Mary with a cucumber round. An homage to the opening scenes of The 40 Year Old Virgin, wherein Andy contends with his morning erection and makes himself a very wholesome bell pepper and cheese omelet. Poor guy. You get a little extra melty cheese today. Responsibly and ever so methodically collect your wholesome ingredients. Whisk eggs with a 1/2 tsp of salt and some fresh black pepper. When you lift your fork out of the batter, it should be a smooth stream. Set aside for 10 to 15 minutes (room temp is fine). Melt 1 tbsp butter in an 8-inch nonstick skillet over medium heat, swirling, until lightly browned. Add bell pepper and cook until slightly softened, about 2 minutes. Transfer to a small bowl, and wipe out skillet with a paper towel. Return it to medium heat, and add remaining butter pat to pan. When the butter is foaming, quickly re-whisk eggs and add to skillet and cook. Using a silicone spatula, push the edges of the egg in toward the center in broad strokes, tilting pan to spread uncooked egg underneath. Continue pushing in edges of the eggs and tilting skillet, working all around pan, until omelette is almost set, about 45 seconds. Sprinkle cheese followed by peppers over half of omelette, remove from heat, cover, and let omelette sit until the cheese melts, about 1 minute. Once the top of the omelet is JUST set (i still like mine a little yolky but that's just me), use a silicone spatula to carefully fold the omelet in half. Slide onto a plate and serve only after your reps are finished. For all the bro dudes out there that tell their less scummy friends to go after drunk bitches first-- Jay, David, Cal, I'd be SHOCKED if your dicks were bigger than these little bitty chicken sausages, even with an extra layer of bacon. Preheat your oven to 425 and gather your "piggy" ingredients. Mix spices, herbs, ground chicken and olive oil until homogenous. Cut four strips of bacon into thirds, and wrap around hand formed leetle flacid chicken sausages, using water soaked toothpicks to fasten everything into place. Place each leetle flacid chicken sausage onto a rack over a foil lined cookie sheet and bake until bacon is crispy, about 20 minutes. Serve hot, with a side of toxic masculinity. Let's be real the funniest scene of this movie features Leslie Mann as the hottest mess that ever messed-- Nicky. Fun fact, the vomit in this scene was actually strawberry yogurt. Start with your strawberries! Toss everything together and refrigerate for at least an hour. Follow that up with your yogurt mix-- add ingredients to a medium bowl and beat until you get soft peaks. Cover and refrigerate this as well. Now for the FREINCH TOAST. Heat butter in a large non-stick skillet over medium. While you wait for the butter to melt/foam, whisk eggs, milk, sugar, vanilla and cinnamon in a medium baking dish until no lumpies are left. Add bread slices two at a time and soak each side in batter. Add to skillet and cook, about 2 minutes per side, until you get a nice golden crust. When ready to serve, layer hot slices of TOAST on a plate and top with yogurt, strawberries, and syrup. DO YOU THINK I'M PRETTY??? YOU'RE NOT LOOKING AT ME!!! LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Virgin vs. Very Slutty Mary's
Ingredients
Instructions
A Very Wholesome Omelet
Ingredients
Instructions
Overcompensating Pigs (Full of chicken)
Ingredients
Instructions
Let’s Get Some Fuckin’ FREINCH TOAST (Topped with strawberries daiquiri-ed)
Ingredients
Strawberries Daquiri-d
Whipped Yogurt
French Toast
Instructions
Epilogue
Ok I know I’m doubling down on the soundtracks of late but this one really does feel apropos. Ya Mo Be There.
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!