Die Hard

Instructions

Pour/dash ingredients equally into two champagne flutes/cocktail cups if you're being authentic. Do not accept any watered down versions. Might as well anesthetize yourself. Things are about to get bloody.

Instructions

Begin by making your tortilla cups. Preheat your oven to 425 and lightly grease six cupcake tin cups. Fill each with a tortilla, smushing to fit the small rounds into a cup shape (see below).

Spritz your tortillas with more oil, and sprinkle lightly with a few pinches chipotle powder and salt. Bake until crispy and tortillas hold their cup shape, about 10 minutes. Set aside.

Now it's time for your cowboy caviar! Mix up your vinaigrette-- ingredients chipotle through honey-- until emulsified.

Next, toss everything together.

When ready to serve (ideally within 20 minutes of mixing so that your avocados don't brown), fill your tortilla cups with caviar and top off with a sprinkling of cotija cheese.

Instructions

First, assemble your pretzel dough ingredients-- you might think cocoa powder is a little weird, but trust me. It adds a bit more darkness to the dough without contributing a chocolatey flavor.

Add the salt, sugar, and yeast to your warm water, and allow to sit for five minutes. You will notice the yeast begin to activate-- it will look slightly frothy in the water.

Add your yeasty liquid with the flour, cocoa powder, and butter to the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a dough hook. Mix on low for several minutes until the dough pulls away cleanly from the sides of the bowl.

Place dough ball into a lightly oiled bowl (or the same bowl) and cover tightly with plastic wrap. Set in a dry, warm place (like the interior of your oven!) to rise for 1 hr, 30 mins. I know it's a long while to wait, but the best schemes require patience.

Five minutes before your dough has finished rising, grate your cheese.

Divide your dough into six equal portions (about 1/3 cup of dough). Roll into a rope of about 12 inches in length, and press to flatten, about 1 1/2 inches of width. Sprinkle a line of grated cheese down your flattened length of dough, and seal back up into a rope shape, pinching and rolling to ensure the seams are fully cloased. Pull one end around so that it meets the middle of your rope, and do the same with the other end, overlapping the two into your pretzel shape as pictured below. Make sure to wrap the rope ends all the way under the bottom of your pretzel so that they do not separate while boiling/baking-- you can press gently to seal.

Preheat your oven to 450 degrees, and bring 5 cups of water and baking soda to a boil. Gently drop pretzels into the water one at a time, boiling for 30 seconds each. Place onto a baking sheet lined with lightly greased parchment paper.

Whisk your egg to create an "egg wash"-- sometimes you can add a splash of water, but I've found that straight egg leads to a darker crust as the pretzels bake. Brush your pretzels lightly with egg, and sprinkle with black truffle salt. It's classy AF.

NOTE: if you are trying to go light on sodium, poppy seeds are a great, crunchy alternative.

Bake your pretzels for about 13 minutes-- don't stress if you see some of the cheese bubbling through the dough, it'll create a nice gooey crust on the outside of your pretzels.

Serve warm, with some whole grain mustard and consume while speaking in a civilized matter to 30 hostages you have no problem murdering for the sake of millions going into your Swiss bank account.

Instructions

PRO TIP: Soak your shrimps in salted water for 30 minutes before cooking. Helps get rid of any fishiness/iodiness.

Next, mix up your dynamite sauce-- a sweet and spicy combo of mayo, siracha and honey. Set aside.

Dry your shrimp on a paper towel, and heat your oil in a deep pot until it pops when you splash water in it-- it needs to be maintained at about 350 degrees.

Then, quickly prep your batter ingredients. Combine dry ingredients, and separately whisk one half of your whisked egg with the vodka. KEEP THE OTHER HALF OF YOUR EGG YOLK FOR YOUR PRETZEL EGG WASH (see a couple recipes down).

Pour egg vodka and ice cold club soda/soda water into your flour mix. Using chopsticks (or a fork, you philistine), vigorously stir until the wet and dry ingredients are just barely combined-- there should be clumpies of flour and bubbles in the batter.

Fold shrimp into the batter with hands to coat. Drop, 2-3 at a time, into your hot oil and fry for 1 minute, disturbing with a slotted spoon to prevent shrimp from sticking to one another or the side of the pan.

Remove with a slotted spoon and drain on a paper towel. Your tempura batter should be a pale blonde (see below).

While still warm, add shrimp to siracha mayo mix and toss to fully coat. Skewer each shrimp with a toothpick and top with green onion and sesame seeds. BOOM! Two points!

Instructions

Get your ingredients together!

Mash your twinkies into a homogenous dough-like mix-- the icing will help bind the dry twinkie dough together into a moldable mush.

Form into twinkie "patties", and press your thumb into the center of each to make a shallow indentation. Pour about 1/4 tsp of pop rocks into the indentation. Then, fold the edges around the pop rocks center-- roll each into a smooth ball.

Using a double boiler method (see below), melt your white chocolate until smooth-- in a small saucepan, boil about 1/2 cup water and place a shallow bowl over the boiling water, ensuring the the bottom of the bowl does not touch the water. The steam will help heat the chocolate from below.

Toss each ball one at a time into the melted chocolate and turn to coat. Place coated balls on a piece of parchment paper, and sprinkle top of each with more candy cane pop rocks. Chill until chocoalte is fully set, trimming off any excess chocolate at the bottom. Pierce your pops with toothpicks or wooden skewers to serve.