Idiocracy

Instructions

Run your slice of lime around the rim of your glass to moisten it. Then, dip the glass in salt to coat the rim. Next, mix tequila, triple sec, lime juice, lemon juice, agave, an additional pinch of salt, a small drop of neon green food coloring, and ice in a cocktail shaker-- shake vigourously until fully chilled, and pour into salted glass. Top up with a splash of club soda and garnish with a sprig of mint--because let's face it, soon we'll be too stupid to brush our own teeth and this may be the only source of fresh breath left.

Instructions

Start with your chili-- this is a relatively simple version thank god. My IQ felt particularly low the day I came up with it. But it does the trick!

Melt 1 tbsp of butter in a medium pot and add onions. Season with salt and pepper, and cook over medium low heat, stirring frequently, until onions are softened but not browned. Add garlic, ground spices and oregano and continue to cook, stirring frequently, until aromatic (just a minute more).

Sprinkle flour into the pot and toss so that your onions are fully coated. Add tomato paste, Worcestershire, and sugar-- stir frequently for yet another minute until the paste begins to stick to bottom of pot. You'll deglaze with half of your chicken broth, scraping up any of the browned bits. Finally, add 4 oz of ground beef and break it up using spoon or fork. Add remaining chicken stock and continue to cook, stirring frequently, until mixture comes to a simmer. Cover, with lid slightly ajar, and reduce heat to low. Cook, stirring occasionally, until mixture is thick and intense (this should take about 75 mins).

A bit before you're ready to serve, add hot sauce and bourbon to the chili and stir to combine. Bring to a boil and simmer until thickened, about 2 minutes. Season to taste with salt and you're GTG! Now let's move on to your burger.

Make sure the remaining 6 oz of beef you didn't use for your chili is very cold before you form your patty-- if the meat is warm, or you overwork it, the fat will begin to melt down and you'll end up with a drier, denser hockey puck. So, be delicate as you shape your beef into a round that is about 4 1/2 inches wide and a little less than 1 inch tall. Make slight depression in center of your patty and chill again in the fridge while you prep your remaining ingredients.

Allow 1 tbsp of butter to come to room temp and spread over the inside of your burger bun. Heat a cast iron skillet (or a hexclad if you're a fancy futuristic fuck like me) on medium and toast your buns on the buttered side, just until they are golden brown. Set aside.

Keeping the same skillet over medium heat, add a tbsp of oil to the pan. Remove your burger from the fridge and season very liberally with salt and pepper, gathering the rest of your ingredients as well.

Add the patty to the pan and cook, turning every minute or so, until a crust begins to form. Add your last tbsp of butter the pan and, once melted, baste that patty with butter just as you would a steak.

Now, using a meat thermometer, continue to cook to your desired doneness. Here's a rough temperature guide from Serious Eats:

120°F (49°C) and below for rare (red/raw in the center)
130°F (54°C) for medium-rare (pink and warm) -- this is what I opted for, and it took about 7 mins
140°F (60°C) for medium (totally pink, starting to dry out)
150°F (66°C) for medium-well (grayish-pink, significantly drier)
160°F (71°C) and above for well-done (completely gray, very little moisture)

Just be aware, I will judge you if you allow your burger to get past 140. Let's not fully Beef Supreme this sucker, k?

Remove from heat and immediately top with a slice or two of American cheese, which should begin to melt a just a bit on the still hot patty. Smear bottom of the bun with ketchup, and place the patty on top. Jalepeno slices go next, followed by heated chili. Add your Fritos last, and get ready for a long sojourn in the bathroom after consuming.

Instructions

Start by peeling and cutting your potatoes into 3/4 inch thick wedges-- submerge in cold water as you prep to avoid potatoes turning brown.

Add vinegar, salt, 2 qts of water and potatoes to a large stock pot and bring to a boil-- cook for 10 minutes until tender, but not completely falling apart. Remove from heat with a strainer and lay out on paper towels. Allow to come to room temperature.

While you wait, heat oil in the same pot to roughly 380 degrees (I use a candy thermometer to make sure I've got the right temp). When you're ready to fry separate your potatoes into four batches and fry each for 1 minute. Temperature will fluctuate as you add and remove batches, so play with your gauge and wait between batches to make sure you stay at around 380. A word of advice-- do NOT try for less than four batches. Your oil could boil over and cause a grease fire and those are never, I repeat NEVER, fun.

Drain each batch on paper towels, and allow to come to room temperature. Let sit for 30 minutes. While your taters is resting, you can make your Flaturin-- a delightfully fat filled cheese sauce.

In a saucepan, melt butter over medium heat. Toss in flour and stir until a wet sand consistency forms-- your roux should smell like buttered popcorn when it's ready. Add milk and cheese and stir until smooth. Mix in onion powder, garlic powder, and hot sauce and allow to thicken to your preferred consistency (if you need to, you can reheat and thin out with a bit more milk). Stir in your food coloring last if you have it, because why not add more chemicals? We're going for a truly synthetic hue, so be generous.

Season with a bit of salt (because why the hell not?), and keep warm while you return to your fries.

Bring your oil back up to frying temp, and fry your batches again, this time about 3 minutes per batch. You're looking for a golden brown color. Remove each batch from the hot oil with a mesh strainer and drain on paper towels.

Sprinkle immediately with salt and serve with Flaturin on the side (or hell, just eat the Flaturin out of the pot with your hands, what do you care? THE WORLD IS GOING TO SHIT DIG IN).