Jaws
I grew up in Florida. We had a boat. And let me just put it in writing: I DO NOT. GO. IN. THE OCEAN. It is dark, and there are sharks in there. See: Jaws.
Oddly though, this film has become a comfort movie for me– when it’s late at night and I’m far, far away from any large body of water, I turn it on and usually pass out within an hour. Maybe it’s a nostalgia thing? Released in June of 1975, Jaws was the first summer blockbuster and quickly became the highest-grossing picture up to that time. It was also Spielberg’s first in a long, long, LONG line of incredibly successful films. Who’d have thought that a movie about a shark that has almost no screen time would be such a hit? But that was part of the magic of Jaws. Fin teases, a two note theme courtesy of John Williams, and super simple shark POV’s were very effectively utilized to instill a FEAR (all caps emphasized) of the terrifying unknown. And let’s acknowledge the stellar performances– Roy Schieder as the well meaning police chief of Amity Island/Shark City, Richard Dreyfuss as nerdy and dry-witted marine biologist Hooper, and, of course, the incredible Robert Shaw as grizzled shark hunter Quint (whose monologue still gives me chills. pretty sure he was shitfaced drunk during filming).
I’m not sure it’s possible to come up with a menu as genius as Jaws, but here is my attempt: a post-July 4 meal that has all the seafood and gore you could want in a Jaws themed lunch/dinner. Just be aware, if you’re planning to eat this whole thing solo– you’re probably gonna need a bigger boat.
The Movie
The Menu
Shoooow me the way to go home. I'm tired and I wanna go to bed. I had a little drink about an hour ago, and it went straight to my head. ... is what you'll be singing after a few of these cocktails. But there's nothing like a margarita/granita while you're lounging out at sea. Even if it's morbid as all hell. Start with your fresh and delicious homeade limeade! In a small sauce pot, simmer 3/4 cup water and 1/2 cup sugar until the sugar is completely dissolved. Set aside to come to room temperature. In the meantime, juice your limes. When your simple syrup is cooled, add to your juice and lime zest-- top off with the remaining 1 1/2 cup of water and mix. Don't strain your limeade, unless you're a some kind of city kid and can't take your pulp. Now, in one small baking dish mix your blood orange soda (a little extra O2 might just save your life) and pomegranate juice. Pour your limeade into a medium baking dish. Add tequila and triple sec to the limeade and stir. Place in freezer and chill-- every hour for the next 3-4 hours, mix your granitas with a fork to create a slushy consistency. When you're ready to serve, swipe a lime wedge around the rim of your glass. Coat with sea salt. Tilting the glass, fill with about 1/3 cup of the blood orange mixture. Then, add your limeade tequila mixture-- you want to keep the two colors separate but close and at an angle. Serve, with additional lime fin wedges. Here's to swimmin' with bow-legged women...? I mean ok. I do love a good lobster roll, as does everyone in the northeast of the US-- this sandwich, however, happens to have lobster, shrimp AND crab. It's no holiday roast, but I'm pretty sure our favorite great white shark would be ok with that. Just one more reminder, these are bigass sandwiches. A traditional lobster roll will have about 3.5oz of meat, and these have about 5/6oz. So you're either gonna have to take it slow or grow your own set of jaws THIS BIG. WARNING: YOUR KITCHEN MAY SMELL A BIT CHUMMY AFTER THIS SO PREPARE TO SEAL AWAY YOUR DISCARDED SHELLS IN SOME ZIPLOCS WITH LEMON SLICES. Bring about 4 qts of water, 2 tbsp sea salt, old bay and 1/2 the lemon to a soft boil in a medium pot. Add the lobster tail and crab leg and count down a minute. Next, add the shrimp and continue to cook uncovered for 3 minutes longer. You'll notice the shells start to get pink/red as the seafood cooks. Once your time is up, remove the shrimp first, followed by the crab and lobster with a slotted spoon. Transfer to a bowl of cold water. Throw the lemon in with and allow to come to room temperature (about five minutes). Now, time to retrieve your chum meat! The shrimp is easy-- just shell those suckers and call it a day. For the lobster, cut along the top part of the shell down to the base fans. Watch out for sharp edges and use heavy duty kitchen scissors so you don't bloody up the place (we already made a cocktail for that). The crab will be the trickiest. If you have the tools, use them to get the meat free from the shell; but you can also just use a hammer to crush the shell around the meat as cleanly as possible-- just be careful because you don't want tiny bits of shell in your chum rolls or you'll end up with a broken tooth. Once you have your meat free, cut your larger pieces into roughly 1/2 inch chunks and refrigerate while you make your sauce. Next, combine ingredients 4-11. Refrigerate the sauce as well. Finally, lightly butter the insides, tops and sides of your brioche buns. Toast in an oven preheated to 375 for about 5 minutes. When ready to eat, toss your shellfish in your mayo mixture (it's ok if you have a little sauce leftover, you don't want to overdo it) and pile your sammiches high with chum. YUM. Get to it, you eating machines. You can play with the shell fish ratios if you like-- more shrimp is just more budget friendly. The first time you see Jaws's veteran shark hunter Quint he's scraping his brittle fingernails down a chalkboard and munching on saltines. So here are some of those, seasoned and baked with butter and the ocean-y-est of all seasonings, Old Bay. It's a super simple recipe, but oh so good-- plus they kinda look like shark teeth/fins! Get those ingredients together, and preheat your oven to 375 degrees. Melt your butter and your old bay/paprika. If you want to commit to aesthetics, feel free to break your crackers in half diagonally. Place your saltines salted side down on a sil pat lined baking sheet. Brush with your seasoned butter mix and try not to lick your fingers. Bake for 4-5 mins, keeping an eye on your crackers in case they don't burn. Serve with sammiches, or munch in the background while looking down on the general public. You know the famous dolly zoom "Jaws Effect" shot where Brody sees little Alex Kintner get ET UP? Here is a a dessert that also requires a lot of push pull. It's also a perfectly portable treat for a day at the beach. Just be careful-- you might need some great white capacity teeth for optimum chewage. Start by prepping a medium glass baking pan with a thick coat of butter-- set aside. Now for your taffy ingredients: In a small saucepan, add the sugar, cornstarch, corn syrup, water, butter, and salt. Affix a candy thermometer to the side of the saucepan, and heat over medium. Cook, without stirring, until the mixture hits 250 degrees. Immediately remove from heat and stir in vanilla. Poor into the greased pan, swirl in several drops of food coloring, and allow to cool for about 10-15 mins-- it should still be warm/hot, but easily handled. Also OOOOO pretty. Butter your hands liberally, and begin to pull and stretch the taffy until it lightens in color and you feel like you're getting a workout. Maybe you even get a little dizzy... It'll be easier if you butter your hands as you go-- all in the push pull process will take about 15 mins. When you're ready, cut wax paper into 3x3 inch squares and pull the taffy into a 1/2 inch thick rope. Using kitchen scissors, cut taffy into 1 inch length pieces. Sprinkle with sea salt, and wrap in your wax paper-- twisting the ends. So easy, even the dummass mayor of Amity Island could do it.
Blood in the Water (Blood Orange and Limeade Marg)
Ingredients
Instructions
Great White Chum Sandwiches
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Old Bay Saltines
Ingredients
Instructions
Sea Salt Saltwater Taffy
Ingredients
Instructions
Epilogue
Remember when Dennis Quaid and Lea Thompson starred in Jaws 3 and a thirty-five-foot shark becomes trapped in a SeaWorld theme park IN 3D????
Yah, that happened. Hollywood…
But also seriously, Bruce the Great White was supposed to be 25 feet long? FLORIDA SHARKS GROW UP TO 40 FEET. 40 FEET OF DEATH AND TEETH AND LIFELESS EYES. BLACK EYES. LIKE A DOLLS EYES.
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