Mermaids
1990’s Mermaids is the perfect movie for Mother’s Day– or, alternatively, any mothers/daughters out there who live for driving each other nuts no matter what day it is. Fair warning though, you’re likely to relive some excruciatingly embarrassing moments from your youth as you watch.
Set in the early 1960’s, Mermaids follows single mom Ms. Rachel Flax (Cher) and her two daughters Charlotte (Winona Ryder) and the friggin’ ADORABLE Kate (Christina Ricci) as they relocate to a charing New England town. This seems to be standard practice for promiscuous Ms. Flax, who defines death as “dwelling on the past or staying in one place too long!” Charlotte, by contrast, is obsessed with Catholicism (despite her Jewish heritage) and yearns for some semblance of stability as she makes her way through the awkwardness that is high school. And Kate– well she just really likes to swim.
Enter a couple of new men to shake things up for the Flax ladies, in the form of sassy shoe store owner Lou (Bob Hoskins) and the beautiful handyman Joe (Michael Schoeffling aka Jake Ryan) who lives in a convent next door. Torn between her delusional commitment to Jesus and her attraction Joe’s quiet hunky-ness, Charlotte Flax is constantly in flux– not to mention at constant war with her shifty, clever, sexy AF mother.
The Movie
The Menu
HIT ME Saaaaargent! Here's a perfectly fizzy and dangerously sweet cocktail with just enough OOMPH to either get you real calm, or to behave like a woman about to go forth in sin. Pour all the ingredients over ice, stir, and try not to get sloppy (KATE). The first of several finger foods, and one that Ms. Flax specializes in-- plus some goldfish for Olympian hopeful Kate. Gather all your cheese ball ingredients (ie the first 11 items in the above list). Once fully mixed, refrigerate for at least 30 minutes. Scoop 2 heaping tbsps of your cheese ball mix at a time and roll into balls. Pulverize a couple of handfuls of goldfish crackers, leveraging any and all mother-daughter angst you might be harboring-- you can use a mini food processor or your bare hands. Add to a small bowl and toss with your reserved cheeses and parsley-- roll your cheeseballs in this mix until they are fully coated. Stick a pretzel into the top of each ball to facilitate "pick-me-up" status, and tie a piece of chive where the pretzel meets the ball into a pretty little bow for presentation. And, just for Kate, stick a whole goldfish cracker into the side of each ball. Definitely not Kosher.. but the everything bagel crust and cream cheese gets us closer to Ms. Flax's pre-coital snack tray for Lou! I opted out of the little American flag toothpicks... Preheat oven to 425°F, and line a cookie sheet with parchment paper. Cut your puff pastry into squares the length of your lil smokie sausages, and wide enough to wrap around them (they should just barely peek out of the ends). Place a tiny dollip of cream cheese on each puff pastry rectangle, followed by a ploop of mustard. Roll your sausages in each puff pastry rectangle. Place each mini dog seam side down onto the baking sheet at least once inch apart. Beat your egg thoroughly and brush over the top of each pig in the blanket. Then sprinkle each with a bit of the everything bagel seasoning blend, pressing ever so slightly to make sure the bits stick. Bake for about 17 minutes, or until pastry is puffed and golden brown. Serve immediately. The pigs in a blanket can be pre-assembled and refrigerated the night before serving-- I'd just avoid the egg wash and everything topping, as the piggies can start to get soggy. Charlotte laboring over manly sammies to impress Joe and her mother ruining them with a cookie cutter is so pathetic and adorable... That said, I couldn't commit to bologna and American cheese. It was just too... ick. So ham and "holy" (pun alert) swiss it is. Using a star shaped cookie cutter, cut your sammich bread, ham, and cheese into fun shapes-- I recommend doing these separately so as to not waste the sammich borders (use the bread for panzanella later or something!). Mix your mayo and mustard for your sammich schmear and assemble! Top off with a cocktail olive if you prefer-- just make sure they're sans pimentos (they give Kate hermias. ahem hives). Ms. Flax's Marshmallow Kebabs, but with slightly more nutritional value. And, with a touch of mermaid essence. Mix your water and food coloring thoroughly in a mixing bowl or glass. Place your marshmallows into the color bath and allow to sit for a while, rotating every few minutes until even coloring is achieved. While you wait, line a baking sheet with wax paper. Use this to dry your mallows, patting them halfway through to create a glitter/speckle effect. Allow for several hours or up to overnight to dry. In the morning they will be sticky, so use a clean basting brush to dust them with corn starch. When you're ready to serve "dinner", peel and cut your kiwis into chunks. Using appetizer forks, alternate mallows and blueberries and kiwi chunks. The more you can fit on a stick the better! Vitamins...
"You Give Me Fever" Cocktail
Ingredients
Instructions
Goldfish Cheeseball Pick-Me-Ups
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Mini-Franks in Everything Bagel Pastry
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Notes
Real Sandwiches a Man Can Sink His Teeth Into
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Mermaid Marshmallow Kebabs
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Epilogue
The only epilogue this movie could or should ever have:
The hairdo’s alone..
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