Elf
A film by Jon Favreau, Elf has become a holiday staple in American households. I have to be honest– I was not initially a fan (I’m a bit of a Christmas movie snob). But I’m now happy to say that I’m no longer a cotton …
It’s almost Christmas as I write this, so Love Actually is, actually, all around. Thankfully, it’s a delightful movie full of relatable characters (except Kyra Knightly, who always sucks) and poignant moments that still make me ugly happy cry 20 yrs later. I have to …
I’ve been wanting to tackle Studio Ghibli and Hayao Miyazaki for a long while, and luckily my fave in the collection– Howl’s Moving Castle– is a bit simpler culinarily speaking its companions. Don’t worry, I’ll get to Spirited Away eventually.
Based on a fantasy novel written by Welsh author Diana Wynne Jones, Howl’s Moving Castle follows a mousey young woman named Sophie, who lives a boring life as a hatmaker in a European-esque city. Enter the handsome wizard Howl, who first saves Sophie, then gets her into a huge pickle by just associating with her (just like a man)– poor Sophie is turned into an old woman by a jealous witch, and is forced to seek out Howl without being able to tell him who she is. Luckily, his castle (like his ego) is huge and hard to miss, and Sophie passes herself off as his new cleaning lady. Of course, she falls in love with the guy (even though she’s WAY too good for him), and has to save Howl more than once while navigating her own curse and OH YAH a world ravaged by a pointless war.
Thematically complex and beautifully animated, Howl’s Moving Castle is a solid Ghibli bet even if you opt for the English dub over the original Japanese— the latter of which features Christian Bale as Howl, Emily Mortimer as Sophie, and Billy Crystal as the wisecracking fire spirit who powers the moving castle. Food scenes in the movie are not what you would call plentiful, but there is one in particular that stands out as a pivotal moment for Howl and his little family:
Eggs and bakey rarely looked so good. And it’s an animated friggin’ meal!
Thus, a breakfast movie menu inspired by Howl’s Moving Castle– with a few Japanese flourishes to pay homage to the creator studio. Don’t worry, turnips are not included. What do you think I am, a monster?
All right Calcifer, let’s get cooking!
For the flower loving hat shop proprietess with a big heart to steal-- piping hot hibiscus tea. If you need to loosen up as much as Sophie does, let your hair down and add a little Japanese whiskey. Bring water to a boil in a small saucepan or teapot. Steep your hibiscus tea with ginger root for 5-7 minutes. Divide into two teacups and add honey and whiskey to taste. A breakfast that leverages all of Sophie's skills with bacon and Howl's expert egg cracking maneuvers + some bread and cheese for the table. And, since this is a Myazaki anime film, I've added some fun Japanese twists that liven up the meal. I won't blame you if you make more bacon than called for. Especially if it's as good as my butcher's. Just lookit how beautiful <3 The key to super crispy bacon (especially when it's this thick) is to start off with a cold pan and cook over a controlled lower medium heat (ie don't let Calcifer get a 'tude). I also use a non-stick skillet because it's easier, but if you prefer a cast iron just make sure you fully wipe away any crispies before you get your egg on. For this meal, you want to cook until almost done, several minutes per side-- drain on paper towels and set aside. Pour out the majority of bacon grease (save in a jar for future frying deliciousness), leaving a thin coating sans any residual bacon crispies (you don't want these to burn beneath your eggs). Place pan back over medium heat. Crack six eggs into the pan , trying to consolidate on one side for aesthetics. Reduce heat to low and cover, peeking every minute or so to monitor setting progress. When almost set (about 2-3 minutes total), remove lid and drizzle your eggs with chili oil. Add bacon back to the pan to rewarm/recrisp for a minute or two more. Divvy up across three plates (I hogged an extra slice of bacon), and serve with crusty bread and cheese. Oh, what a pretty fire-- and apparently a hungry one. All that snark must work up an appetite. So, here's a log-like Japanese roll cake filled with matcha cream and paired with white chocolate "egg shells"-- a slightly more appetizing version of Calcifer's allotted snacks during family breakfast. Line a 9x13 rectangular cake pan with (SURPRISE) aluminum foil. You want it to be crinkly to accomplish a superficial bark like effect on the outside of your cake, so feel free to bunch it thickly in places and/or use more than one sheet of foil. Spray with baking spray and set aside. In a small sauce pan, heat the milk, cocoa powder, and chili powder on medium (do NOT bring to a boil). Stir continuously until cocoa powder clumps are broken up and dissolved-- set aside to cool, and preheat oven to 325. Now for the cake "batter". In a mixing bowl, combine sugar, baking soda, and 1/2 tsp cream of tartar. Sift in cake flour and whisk lightly to incorporate. Add egg yolks, oil, vanilla extract and chocolate milk mixture, stirring to combine. In a separate mixing bowl, beat egg whites with a hand mixer until lighter and frothy. Add remaining 1/4 tsp cream of tartar and continue to beat until the whites become opaque. Start adding sugar a little bit at a time, increasing the speed of your hand mixer until stiff peaks form. Using a rubber cake spatula, gently fold a third of the egg whites into the chocolate mixture, quickly rotating your wrists as you fold-- you just want to lighten up the chocolate mix a bit before adding the rest of your egg whites. Add in the rest of the whites and continue to fold lightly-- DO NOT overmix, you want the batter to be super light. Pour into lined cake pan and smooth evenly with your spatula. Drop the pan onto the counter a few times to make settle any air bubbles in the batter. Bake for roughly 15 minutes until a toothpick comes out clean. When the cake is finished baking, remove from oven and let cool for 5 minutes in the pan. Lay a sheet of parchment paper over a cooling rack, and flip your cake onto the parchment paper. Gently peel away the aluminum foil on the other side-- totally fine if the surface is craggy, we're going for a loglike effect! Now, place another sheet of parchment paper over the craggy surface of the cake and flip once more. Remove the first piece of parchment paper and roll your cake from the narrower end, incorporating the bottom piece of paper into the roll itself-- this will prevent the cake from sticking to itself. Note, it's VERY important to roll the cake before it cools completely to prevent the cake from cracking. Let your wrapped cake cool on the counter while you move onto your matcha whipped cream. Using a hand beater, whip cream, matcha, sugar, and cornstarch until stiff peaks form (a couple of minutes should do the trick). Refrigerate until cake has come to room temp. Unroll the cake and quickly spread your whipped cream evenly over the surface. Then, re-roll the cake with a light touch to avoid the cream squeezing out from the sides, and then use the parchment paper to wrap around your log to help maintain its shape. Refrigerate until ready to serve (cake will keep in the fridge for a couple of days if need be). While your cake is chiling, tackle your white chocolate "egg shells"! Very important PSA-- do not use regular white chocolate, which tends to get gloopy and separate. You HAVE to invest in melting chocolate. Blow up mini balloons to egg size-- rinse them lightly and coat with a very thin layer of vegetable oil. Next, microwave your melting chocolate in a glass bowl for a minute, pausing at 30 seconds to stir. Allow to come to room temperature, stirring frequently to maintain liquidy texture-- if you don't allow your chocolate to cool a bit, your balloons will pop when you dip them (and trust me when I say the mess is extreme). Tilt your bowl and dip your balloons a little more than halfway into your chocolate, swirling to coat. Allow any excess chocolate to drip away, and (assuming you have them) use egg holders to allow your balloons to set. Repeat with a second coat. Once completely set, you should be able to pop your balloons and peel away the balloon skin from the insides of your "shell"-- totally fine if bits of the edges chip away, makes it look a bit more authentic. When you're ready to eat, slice the ends off of your cake for a cleaner look, then slice into rounds. Serve with white chocolate egg shells whole and crumbled.Tea for Sophie
Ingredients
Instructions
Family Breakfast
Ingredients
Instructions
...and "Snacks" for Calcifer
Ingredients
Instructions
For those of you who aspire to Howl’s dexterity with eggs, here’s a little how to video. Worst case you end up with scramby instead of sunny side up– and those go great with chili oil too.
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!
Uncle Buck was a childhood fave of mine. Is it the best movie in the world? Maybe not. But it’s god damn funny, and it’s got a lot of food in it that I’ve always wanted to make. Namely, really enormous pancakes. The plot itself …
So last month kind of sucked for women. Actually, it really really sucked. But all the more reason to watch A League of Their Own– 30 years old on July 1, 2022 and a wonderful film to spend your afternoon with if you’re not feeling …
Better Off Dead is one of those 80’s movies that a number of people don’t get. It’s surreal, fantastical, slapstick-y, absurd, and yes, there is a claymation hamburger that sings along with Van Halen.
It’s f*cking funny you guys.
Better Off Dead focuses on Lane Meyer (John Cusack), an average-ish highschool student who showers with his socks on and has a VERY unhealthy obsession with his girlfriend Beth. When she dumps him at the end of the year for the class ski champ/asshole, aptly named Roy Stalin, he makes various and half-hearted attempts at suicide: hanging, carbon monoxide poisoning, self-immolation. Of course, he realizes that this is an extreme response, and soon decides to woo his lady love back by training to ski the terrifying K-12 slope. Together with his drugged out side-kick Charles de Mar (Curtis Armstrong) and a conveniently adorable foreign exchange student from across the street, this goes– not at all according to plan.
While not a huge success when it was released (and John Cusack HATED it at the time), Better Off Dead has accumulated a cult following of those who appreciate an alternative to the quirky but less bizarre teen films of the era. For myself (a girl who was soon to become obsessed with the John Cusack of Say Anything), it was my first introduction to a cute boy playing a girl saxophone over a romantic TV dinner.
The bar was set low from an early age. Merci buckets Blockbuster Video!
So here is a Better Off Dead movie menu that should make you giggle a little bit. Maybe not as sentient as the concoctions of Mrs. Meyer, but hopefully more tasty. Note, the tiny guitar is an *optional ingredient.
Charles De Mar, what a hilarious mess. I mean who snorts green jello? The kind of guy who mixes his eggnog with lighter fluid that's who. So cheers to you Charles-- here is a snowy, Meyer lemon-y granita with enough pine wood-y gin it probably has legit street value. It might even freeze the left half of your brain! See ingredients below: Begin by juicing your lemons. Note, you can do this via traditional methods, OR you can throw them against neighborhood street signs ala Monique. Get's the justified angst out. Once juiced, mix with syrup, club soda, and gin and transfer to a metal 13 x 9-inch baking pan. Freeze for 4 hours, and rake with a fork to fluff into a granita/snowy texture. Refreeze, and serve... ...I advise APRES ski. Otherwise you wouldn't be able to SKI ON ONE SKI, let alone follow along detailed and technically sound instructions like: "Go that way, really fast" and "If something gets in your way, turn." Simple syrup is just equal parts sugar and water, simmered until the sugar granules are dissolved. In order to make 1/2 cup, you might want to start with a little less than 3/4 cup of each to allow for some evaporation. Maybe the best, most creative scene in Better Off Dead-- and obviously I had to pay tribute. Besides, you need protein if you're gonna ski the K12. Don't worry, I did NOT boil the bacon. In a nonstick or cast iron pan/griddle, fry up four slices of bacon. For burgers I prefer to layer two bacon "circles" on each burger, but the team at SeriousEats can give you the pros and cons of various bacon shapes. While your bacon is crisping, cut your remaining two slices into eety beety pieces and toss them in with your ground pork, salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Then, lay out all the rest of your ingredients in anticipation... Lightly butter your hamburger buns and toast on a greased griddle-- you can throw the onion on with! When buns have toasted, remove from the griddle and flip your onion-- continue to cook IT for another couple of minutes until softened slighly. Set aside. Now time for your burgers-- pat your ground pork and bacon into patties the diameter of your buns (they should be about an inch thick) and make a shallow dent in the middle of each. Place on a medium high griddle and cook, undisturbed, for about 5 minutes. Flip, place a slice of cheese on top, and continue to sizzle, for another 4-5 minutes-- your cheese should get gooey melty. Time to layer! Spread mayo on your buns, then proceed in this order: cheese covered pattie, two bacon circles, tomato slice, softened onion slices, butter lettuce. EVERYBODY WANTS SOOOOOME!!!!!!!!! Not the first nor the last of Mrs. Meyer's delightfully (maybe disturbingly) flubbed recipes-- her FRONCH themed dinner in honor of actual French citizen and very good sport Monique. So here's some thick cut FRONCH fries (see Pig Burger footage for reference on size) and a creamy FRONCH dressing that honestly tastes like a yummy fry sauce. So good, it'll make you think fried food is ze REAL international language... Start by peeling and cutting your potatoes into 1/2 inch thick strips-- submerge in cold water as you prep to avoid potatoes turning brown. Add vinegar, salt, 2 qts of water and potatoes to a large stock pot and bring to a boil-- cook for 10 minutes until tender, but not completely falling apart. Remove from heat with a strainer and lay out on paper towels. Allow to come to room temperature. While you wait, heat oil in the same pot to roughly 380 degrees (I use a candy thermometer to make sure I've got the right temp). When you're ready to fry separate your potatoes into four batches and fry each for 1 minute. Temperature will fluctuate as you add and remove batches, so play with your gauge and wait between batches to make sure you stay at around 380. A word of advice-- do NOT try for less than four batches. Your oil could boil over and cause a grease fire and those are never, I repeat NEVER, fun. Drain each batch on paper towels, and allow to come to room temperature. Let sit for 30 minutes. While your taters is resting, you can whisk together your FRONCH dressing. Add all your ingredients to a small blender or processor and puree until smooth. Refrigerate until ready to serve. And now back to your taters-- bring your oil back up to frying temp (this should take about 5 minutes), and fry your batches again, this time about 3 minutes per batch. You're looking for a golden brown color. Remove each batch from the hot oil with a mesh strainer and drain on paper towels. Sprinkle immediately with salt and dip (but not slurp, Ricky) into your creamy FRONCH dressing. ... maybe next time, calamari? "I got the recipe from a magazine. The mail got wet in the rain, so some of the pages ran together, but what I couldn't read I just... improvised with my own little... creative ideas. It's got raisins in it. You LIKE raisins." Nuff said. Ok really this is a pistachio pudding with a rum raisin and pistachio garnish. It's delicious, not sentient (I don't think), and It's not that many ingredients, look! Begin by soaking your raisins and rum and set aside to marinate. Cover tightly and set aside. Grind your pistachios in your food processor until they are as finely ground as possible, about 3-4 minutes. Add half of your sugar and 1 tablespoon milk and pulse until a paste forms. When ready to serve, pour into pudding bowls/cups and top off with chopped rum raisins and your extra pistachios. Eat quickly, before it skidaddles.This is pure snow!
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Everybody Wants Some Pigburger
Ingredients
Instructions
Fronch Fries with Fronch Dressing
Ingredients
Instructions
It's Got Raisins in it!
Ingredients
Instructions
Combine the paste with the remaining milk in a large saucepan and cook over medium heat, whisking to break up any clumps, until the mixture begins to steam. While the milk is heating, go back to your food processor and add the remaining sugar with the egg, yolks, cornstarch, and salt-- process until combined. With the food processor still running, slowly add ½ cup of the warm milk mixture into the mixture to temper the eggs (if you skip this and add eggs to your steaming liquid, you'll end up with bits of scramby eggs. Add the contents of the food processor back to your saucepan and whisk in with remaing milk mixture. Cook, stirring constantly, until the pudding begins to thicken.
At this point, I HIGHLY recommend returning the mix back to your food processor, or using an immersion blender, just to make sure the pistachio bits are as smoothed out as possible. This done, add the butter and vanilla, and stir until the butter is melted.
Cover with plastic wrap pressed directly against the surface of the puddings to prevent a skin from forming. Chill for at least 2 hours to allow your puddings to fully set.
I’m stuffed full of food so I’ll just leave you with this. Always, always beware your local paperboy– remember, $2 then would be $5.18 in 2022 with inflation. And they like to be tipped.
Ok the movie’s over…you can go home now.
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!
The Breakfast Club– a perfect back-to-school time movie and perhaps the most famous in the John Hughes coming of age oeuvre. Sure, a case could be made for Ferris Bueller, and I do love me some Uncle Buck, but The Breakfast Club is the movie in …
Grumpy Old Men– the perfect movie to help you transition from Thanksgiving turkey time to whatever December holiday you choose to celebrate. The sixth of ten films in which great friends Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau costarred, Grumpy Old Men is set in the freezing …
I’ve been wanting to do at least one serious horror/thriller for October. But let me just say that blood, guts and ghosts don’t always make for appetizing menus.
Enter Mike Pence (or should I say his winged companion) who inspired me to revisit Hitchcock’s classic Psycho– and right in time for the film’s 60th anniversary!
When Psycho was theatrically released in 1960, Hitchcock notoriously ordered theaters to bar entrance to late ticket holders– “It is required that you see ‘Psycho’ from the very beginning!”. Though it’s hard to spoil the movie at this point in history, you have to appreciate his commitment to preserving the theatrical experience and safeguarding the surprise ending. And yet, he was a master at teasing the audience with JUST ENOUGH to titillate them (as evidenced in the “trailer” below).
Hitchcock intentionally made Psycho look like a cheap exploitation film in the vein of other critically acclaimed low-budget thrillers like Clouzot’s “Diabolique” (1955). For Psycho, Hitchcock retained a television crew with a fraction of the budget typical for his other well-known productions– the footage is black and white at a time when Technicolor was the norm, the soundtrack is a raw mix of only strings, and there is very little dialogue for long stretches. The end result is of course an iconic and shocking work of art featuring A+ performances from Anthony Perkins, Janet Leigh, and Mr. Fly.
As far as food goes, there are actually several culinary references in Psycho– perhaps the most notable being Norman’s simple parlor dinner of sandwiches and milk. In this menu, I too went with sandwiches, but got a little psychoanalytical with my ingredients. Enjoy, as much as you can in between gasps, and from today onward please remember to lock your damn bathroom door.
With one of those faces you can't help believing, Norman asks Marion to join him for a low key parlor dinner: a simple sandwich of bread, cheese and ham. We'll call this his good side sandwich-- ham and Gouda/good-a (kind of a pun?) on a no frills seeded bread (just right for a girl who eats like a bird), topped off with a sweet honey mustard spread (to lure in unsuspecting flies). Mix mayo, dijon, and honey until fully incorporated. Set aside. Next, assemble your remaining ingredients. Spread one slice of bread with whole grain mustard, and the other slice with honey mustard mix. Layer on ham and gouda (GET IT?? Good-a), cut in half, and dinner is served. All you need now is a nice glass of milk and some innocent, not creepy at all, late night taxidermy. And now for a sandwich more suited to the dark psyches in Psycho-- an oozy mess of extra sharp cheddar grilled cheese, sinful bacon, and bloody mary tomatoes bursting out of dark pumpernickel bread. Eat quickly, the aftermath is difficult to clean up. Add bacon slices to a non-stick skillet and bring the heat to medium (starting the bacon in a cold pan gives you a more crispy crust! Cook bacon till one side is crisp (about 4-5 mins) and turn over. Cook an additional 3-4 mins until bacon is fully crisped, and transfer to a paper towl to allow the grease to drain. Pour half of the bacon grease out (or alternative, reserve and refrigerate for future use). Add your cherry tomatoes to the pan and bring them to a sizzle. Reduce heat to low, and cover, allowing for 5 minutes until tomotoes have burst. Add your Worcestershire, hot sauce, pepper, horseradish, lemon juice, and celery salt, tossing your tomotoes until fully coated and liquids mostly evaporate. Remove from heat. Heat a griddle pan (or utilize the same non-stick skillet if you don't need the griddle marks) on medium. Brush both sides of each piece of bread with butter. Grill one side of each piece of bread-- this will make for crunchier innards. Toast for about 5 minutes. Remove pumpernickel from the grill and allow to cool slightly. Add your spinach to the toated side of one slice, followed by your bacon, cheese, and a sprinkle of paprika. Top with burst tomatoes (and extra cheese, if you're feeling particularly amoral) and second grilled slice. Grill exterior of the sandwich on low heat-- you'll need extra time to allow all that cheese to melt, but you don't want your bread to burn. Eventually, you'll end up with this gluttonous, bleeding mess that's just begging you to cut it open... ...and, for numerous reasons, maybe take a minute before showering after consumption. Turns out that in addition to young blondes, one of Norman's other vices is candy corn. Wouldn't he be excited to know you can combine the two into one delicious Halloween treat-- throw in some nuts for his nutty state of mind and you've got a triple threat on your hands. Preheat the oven to 350, and grease a 9x5 loaf pan with butter, and line with parchment paper. Assemble your ingredients. Roughly smash 1/2 cup of the candy corns, reserving a few (these will be pressed whole into the surface of your blondies. Next, melt your butter in a microwave safe bowl, and add sugar, stirring to incorporate. Whisk in egg and vanilla, followed by the flour and salt. Fold your crushed candy corn and nuts into the blondie batter, trying not to over stir. Pour batter into pan and bake for about 20 minutes until almost done. Remove from oven and gently press whole candy corn into the still-soft top of the blondie mix. Place back in oven for another 2 minutes, allowing the candy to melt EVER SO SLIGHTLY into the surface. Remove from oven and your pan and set on a cutting board to cool 15-20 minutes. Cut into 8 equal bars, and indulge yourself. A boy's best friend is his mother. Even when you have to hide her in the fruit cellar. Three hours before bedtime, preheat your oven to 175. Lay your apple slices on a parchment lined baking sheet and sprinkle with cinnamon and nutmeg. Two of these are spares for looks, since the apples will warp as they dry out. Dry your apple slices in your heated oven for about three hours until fully dehydrated... WHOOPS, sorry. Now for the cocktail. Mix all remaining ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice and shake until chilled. Pour into your favorite glasses, with or without ice-- just as long as you drink every. last. drop. Like a good little child."Wouldn't Hurt a Fly" Ham and Cheese
Ingredients
Instructions
Bloody Marion Mess
Ingredients
Instructions
Candy Corn Blondies
Ingredients
Instructions
Mother's Milk
Ingredients
Instructions
Don’t bother with the 1998 shot-for-shot remake of Psycho— it’s not good (clearly I have a complex about remakes…). Instead, watch Michael Powell’s “Peeping Tom”. A British production also released in 1960, this film is (dare I say it) darker than Psycho and more perverse in a number of ways. Plus there’s a really nifty dance number…
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!
After twenty years (!!!), Almost Famous is still on my list of all time favorites. What do I like about this movie? To begin with… everything. An autobiographical showcase of director Cameron Crowe’s misspent youth, Almost Famous focuses on the experiences of a fifteen year …