Recipes for foodies and film nerds. Because life's too short for stale popcorn and crappy movies.
At some point I’ll have a series of menus based on movies from the 90’s that are actually based on literature– there were THREE in 1999 alone! So let’s start with the best of those, 10 Things I Hate About You. Loosely based on Shakespeare’s …
Boondock Saints: “A juvenile, ugly movie that represents the worst tendencies of directors channeling Tarantino.” Fair enough. But it’s still a fun ride and Sean Patrick Flanery is feckin’ hot. If you grew up in the 90’s, you’ve likely seen Boondock Saints and have since …
I loved The Menu. So much that I’m a little concerned I have rage issues and/or violent tendencies…but the self aware part of me is also tickled that The Menu makes fun of people like ME– “foodies” who spend too much money on groceries, who eat at fancy restaurants (though I would NEVER spend $1250 on a damn meal), and who watch Chef’s table. Horrifyingly I’m pretty sure I’ve dated a Tyler.
Created by Seth Weiss and Will Tracy (Succession, ahem), The Menu literally skewers those who buy into and participate in the cult of the celebrity chef. At the outset of the film, you meet an assortment of all the worst types of elites foodie assholes (sycophant Nicholas Hoult, egocentric critic Janet McTeer, name dropping sellout actor John Leguizamo, and more) boarding a boat to a secluded island where renowned Chef Julian Slowik (Ralph Fiennes) and his staff are preparing a meal for the ages. What they DON’T know is that (with the exception of surprise dinner guest Margot, played by Anya Taylor Joy), they’ve all been carefully selected not to preen, or to proselytize the genius of the food, but for something far more sinister.
I won’t spoil anything else for you except a) Hong Chau is incredible as Elsa, Slowik’s terrifyingly enigmatic maitre d’, and b) the funniest parts of the movie to me are the Chef’s Table imitation shots. Bravo David Gelb for consulting on the cinematography and blatantly mocking your own Netflix series. Truly, laughably good.
Now, on to the menu for The Menu.
Over the next few hours you will ingest fat, salt, sugar, protein, bacteria, fungi, various plants and animals, and, at times, entire ecosystems…a biome of culinary ideas, if you will. And think of yourselves as ingredients in a degustation concept.
KIDDING. You’re gonna eat a big fatty hunk of meat covered with American cheese, most definitely sandwiched between two slices of bread to accompany the savory accompaniments. And, to complete the masochism: a side of crinkle cut fries and s’mores for the grand finale. Because cooking, after all, requires joy.
I told you, you weren’t leaving. But don’t worry. It’s all part of the menu.
Here it is. A real cheeseburger. Not some fancy deconstructed avant bullshit. A very good, very traditional cheeseburger. Like the very first cheeseburger you ever ate. The cheap ones your parents could barely afford. Medium. With American Cheese. Worth every penny of $9.95. Time to be VERY precise with your proteins. Remember, chefs play with the raw material of life itself. For my part, I went with two 3.5oz patties to fit my slightly larger hamburger buns. Once your proteins have been weighed and formed into balls, cover and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes-- a chilled burger will be that much more juicy. While your proteins are chilling, use the time to gather together your burger accoutrement. Note, you can technically use any condiments/sauces that bring you joy, but my burger sauce is REALLY good for this recipe-- see the link below! Heat a large cast iron skillet or flat griddle on high, and add your buttered bun halves face side down on the hot surface. Toast for a minute or two until golden brown, and set aside, carefully wiping away any residual butter. Continue to heat the pan until it is piping hot, another minute or two-- you'll know it's ready when a splash of water pretty immediately evaporates. Now for your patties. You are NOT going to oil the pan before adding your meats to the pan-- adding these "dry" will ensure a solid maillard reaction (a very snazzy term for crispy crusties). As soon as you add your balls of beef to the skillet/griddle, place a small square of parchment paper on top of each-- this will serve as a layer between the meat and your panina press/large steel spatula. Press the meat down into a thickness somewhere around 1/2 inch, peeling back the parchment paper quickly after pressing so that it doesn't burn. Season with salt and freshly ground pepper, and top with half of your thinly sliced onions. You should be able to see the crispy crusties start to form on the bottom of each patty after about a minute: Flip your burger for futher evidence of aforementioned crusties-- at this point, you'll understand why a steel spatula is better than a plastic one (if you try the latter, you'll end up breaking the patties apart). When you flip, make sure that the onions stay underneath the flipped patty-- they will continue to cook and soften in all of the greasy meat juices. Place two slices of American cheese on each patty, and continue to cook for another minute, until the cheese melts over the patty and forms crispy crusties of it's own: In the meantime, throw a dollop of your preferred sauce (look out for a split emulsion!) on the top half of your burger and lay four pickle chips onto the bottom half. Once they are maillarded-- remove your patties from the heat (making sure to scrape as many bits up as you can with them) and place one on top of the other on your pickle bottomed bun. Top with your sauced bun half and press together lightly. Consume immediately, preferably with a side of crinkle cut fries (recipe to follow). That. Is a cheeseburger. Amazing mouthfeel. Pretty sure it's the American cheese. I want it documented here that I did a taste test of super expensive fancy pants Wagyu vs your standard grocery store 80/20 fat ratio ground beef. Appropriately for this film, the $4.99/lb ground beef won hands down. But for all the food gods' sakes, please don't opt for lean beef. You need the fatty goodness for optimum smushiness and taste. Also my really yummy burger sauce recipe is here! Props to "Margot" for ordering the crinkle cut fries-- just slightly more of a pain in the ass than regular julienned. But, after all, a chef's single purpose on this Earth is to serve people food that they might actually like. SO BE IT MARGOT. So send backsies for this menu. Peel and cut your potatoes into 1/4 inch thick strips with your crinkle cut knife-- submerge in cold water as you prep to avoid potatoes turning brown. Add vinegar, salt, 2 qts of water and potatoes to a large stock pot and bring to a boil-- cook for 10 minutes until tender, but not completely falling apart. Remove from heat with a strainer and allow to come to room temperature. While you wait, heat oil in the same pot and heat to roughly 380 degrees (I use a candy thermometer to make sure I've got the right temp). After about 30 minutes, bring your oil back up to frying temp, and fry your batches again-- about 3 minutes per batch. You're looking for a golden brown color. Remove each batch from the hot oil with a mesh strainer and drain on paper towels-- if you aren't serving until your burgers are done you can keep warm in the oven for 15 mins or so. The s'more. The most offensive assault on the human palate ever contrived. Unethically sourced chocolate and gelatinised sugar water imprisoned by industrial-grade graham cracker. It's everything wrong with us, and yet we associate it with innocence. With childhood. Mom and dad. But what transforms this fucking monstrosity is fire. The purifying flame. It nourishes us, warms us, reinvents us, forges and destroys us. We must embrace the flame. We must be cleansed. Made clean. Like martyrs or heretics, we can be subsumed... and made anew. I love you all! Dunk your marshmallows quickly in your brandy and skewer lengthwise. Turn the marshmallows slowly about 2 inches over a low flame-- the brandy will likely catch fire as it burns off, but it won't quickly char the mallow. It will, however, allow the heat to soften the mallow a bit before the golden brown color sets in as you rotate it. Never burn anything except by design-- to make delicious. Plus it's way more fun to light stuff on fire with booze. Now you may be tempted at this point to shove the gooey mallow into your face hole. But the whole point, after all, is not to eat, but to TASTE. And you'll burn your taste buds off if you eat your toasted mallows right off the flame. Add a square of your firecracker chocolate to the top of a graham square, and top with your gooey marshmallow-- the heat will soften the chocolate. Use the other graham square as leverage to squeeze your mallow onto your s'more as you pull out the skewer. Repeat with the other two s'mores and enjoy, if you survive. No promises to anyone who doesn't have student loans. If firecracker/pop rocks chocolate isn't available to you, just sprinkle whatever kick you can-- a pinch of chili powder, or maybe some sea salt. Then it'll be like you're EATING THE OCEAN.
Just a Well-Made Cheeseburger
Yield:
1 Perfect Burger
Prep Time:
30 minutes
Cook Time:
5 minutes
Total Time:
35 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
A Side of Crinkle Cut Fries
Yield:
An Unhealthy Amount
Cook Time:
1 hour
Total Time:
1 hour
Ingredients
Instructions
When you're ready to fry separate your potatoes into four batches and fry each for 1 minute. Temperature will fluctuate as you add and remove batches, so play with your gauge and wait between batches to make sure you stay at around 380. Drain each batch on paper towels, and allow to come to room temperature.
Highly Flammable S'mores
Yield:
3 S'mores
Cook Time:
10 minutes
Total Time:
10 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Because every great meal deserves the perfect beverage pairing.
Our first selection this evening is somewhat of a classic, with a strong nose of cherry and vanilla. Some may consider the taste to be rather minimal initially, but it does increase as the drink warms up. And, the primary flavors of marzipan and almond pair excellently with the starch and salt in the exquisite expression that is the crinkle cut fry.
I give you, cherry coke:
Next, we have a lager with 4.2% alcohol by volume. Crisp, clean and refreshing, this light beer is full of Rocky Mountain refreshment, with clean malt notes and low bitterness to perfectly complement the richness of your elegantly dripping American cheese.
I give you, Coors Light:
Finally, for those of you who prefer a slightly more refined potable to go with the chef's vision (I'm looking at you, mama Slowik)-- a wine that benefits from hyper decantation with an immersion blender to awaken it from its slumber, and is characterized by a faint sense of longing and regret.
I give you, any red wine you want, from any year you can get, from Insert Any Winery Here:
Are those notes of bergamot I'm tasting?
(no but seriously I did go to my local wine shop and they gave me this bottle that tasted pretty good, if you want to try it. or you can read this article I guess, you snob.)
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!
Grumpy Old Men– the perfect movie to help you transition from Thanksgiving turkey time to whatever December holiday you choose to celebrate. The sixth of ten films in which great friends Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau costarred, Grumpy Old Men is set in the freezing cold of 1990’s Minnesota. Snow and ice and puffy jackets are everywhere, and since I spend most of my holiday season with family in balmy Florida (actually “having a heat waaaaaaaave”), I like to use this movie to live vicariously.
Let’s talk a little about the plot. Lemmon and Matthau play two aging frenemies (with possibly more emphasis on the “enemies” part) putz John Gustafson and moron Max Goldman. Both men live to ice fish and drive each other nuts, and it seems they are relatively comfortable with this routine. Enter Ariel (played by the legendary Ann Margaret)– a mysterious Titian beauty who moves in next door and exudes vitality. Frenemy tension increases as grumpy old men John and Max vie for Ariel’s affection, and naturally the quips and pranks increase proportionally.
But let’s be real, some of the best comedic moments come from Grandpa Gustafson. If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I mean.
Ok! Time for a Grumpy Old Men themed brunch menu– relatively easy for grumpy old bachelors looking to impress the ladies and still with enough leftover to snack on while fishing. Note, I did not myself retrieve the salmon from a Minnesota lake, but my commitment to authenticity can only go so far. Can’t find friggin’ Walleye Bass ANYWHERE. Plus, I don’t have The Green Hornet. If you don’t like it, you can pull your lip over your head and swallow.
For when it's butt cold and you're fresh out of beer! Nothing better to keep the chill off than a whiskey shot. This mini-cocktail is as bitter as John and Max-- and the beer chaser is for Gramps. Pour whiskey, vermouth, campari and bitters into two shot glasses. Add a lemon curl/worm via bait hook, and serve up with some beer-- I went with Michelob Gold, which happens to be on tap at the legendary Slippery's in Wabasha. Poached eggs and lox are delicious but let's face it they're for fancy pants putzes. Why not go with a creamy scrambly and a super easy "smoked" lakefish (in this case, Coho Salmon, relatively easy to find). Top off with some dill for a Scandinavian twist that is oh so Minnesota and perfect for a morning after brunch, oh ya you betcha. For those of you who do not have smokers, this recipe is a wonderful smoked salmon trick. The key ingredient-- liquid smoke. Yes, I know it's cheating, but it works. No smelly fishy fish here! Place salmon on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper, and pat dry. Sprinkle all other ingredients over the filet and rub gently to ensure marinade is fully incorporate. Wrap in plastic, and refrigerate for 1-2 hours. Preheat your oven to 350. Remove salmon from the refrigerator and pat dry. Bake for 12-15 minutes until fish is opaque. Using a fork, gently pull the fish apart into bite-sized flakes. Cover and set aside. Time for your eggs! In a medium sized bowl, whisk eggs, warm cream cheese, half and half, salt and pepper-- don't overmix, it's totally fine to have some clumps of cream cheese floating about, these will turn into pockets of cheesy delicious gooeyness as the eggs cook. In a medium skillet, heat butter (or leftover bacon grease from the next recipe) over medium heat. Pour your egg mix into the skillet and allow to rest as the bottom just begins to set-- about 30 seconds. Using a spatula, gently begin to disturb your egg yolks. Don't go crazy with the stirring, moron, you want soft and creamy clumps! Reduce heat if necessary to prevent the eggs from overcooking. Just before eggs finish cooking, add salmon flakes to the skillet and gently stir to warm each succulent piece. To serve, top with torn dill, chives, and if your heart can still stand it after my next dish, some hot sauce. As mentioned, I went with a Coho salmon filet because it's found in Minnesota lakes-- alternatively you could get a King salmon, or even another variey, but I like to be ACCURATE. With old age comes heart attacks and ulcers that make you fart razor blades. I'm pretty sure Spam doesn't help, but it is a unique (fatty, very salty) Minnesota treat that John, specifically, seems to enjoy. I don't know what's in this stuff, but I figure anything is good wrapped in bacon and drizzled with a sweet Sichuan chili mustard glaze. Give it a try-- after all, the only thing in life, that you regret, are the risks that you don't take. Before you do anything-- soak your toothpicks! You will be baking them in the oven, and if they are not pre-soaked they will burn beyond use. Next, cut your bacon slices in half cross-ways, leaving you with 8 pieces. Add them to a skillet, and place over medium heat. Before bacon gets beyond a pale brown, flip, and cook about halfway-- you don't want to fully cook your bacon as it will need to spend the remainder of its short existence in the oven. When your bacon reaches a pale brown color, remove it from the pan and drain on a few paper towels. Preheat your oven to 400, and assemble your remaining ingredients-- if you haven't already, cut the specified amount of Spam into equal cubes and save the rest for... I don't know what... later. Mix your honey, syrup, and chile oil and set aside. Wrap each of the Spam cubes in a single bacon slice, fastening with a toothpick. Bake for 10 minutes. Remove from oven and drizzle with the spicy mustard glaze. Return to oven and continue baking for another 10 minutes until bacon is fully crisp. Allow to cool slightly, and consume, keeping your tums handy. If anyone is curious, the Spam website is prolific with featuring their product. But also so are the Serious Eats and Bon Appetit websites, so you know there's something to this sodium-packed, fatty almost gelatinized meat product. Despite all the old men talking about mounting and laying pipe, this movie is at its core a ROMANTIC comedy. Here's a crunchy winter salad for Max's son Jacob, who just can't be any adorably dorkier when asking John's daughter Maureen to kiss him under a "broccoli mistletoe". Hooooly Moly. First, whisk together oil, vinegar, syrup, and dijon until emulsified. Then, assemble the rest of your ingredients: Next, toast your almonds in a skillet over medium heat-- you should be able to hear them sizzle a bit and pop, but be careful not to burn! All in this should not take more than a minute or two. Mix your ingredients together and set aside to marinate for at least an hour-- the vinaigrette will need a bit of time to break down and soften the tough broccoli a bit. Oy what a relationship metaphor.
Bitter Old Pal Shot (and a beer chaser)
Yield:
2 Drinks
Prep Time:
1 hour
Cook Time:
5 minutes
Total Time:
1 hour 5 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Lake Salmon and Cream Cheese Scrambly Eggs
Yield:
2 Servings
Prep Time:
2 hours 1 second
Total Time:
2 hours 1 second
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Heart Attack on a Stick
Yield:
8 Bites
Prep Time:
15 minutes
Cook Time:
20 minutes
Total Time:
35 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Broccoli "Mistletoe" Crunch
Yield:
2 Servings
Cook Time:
15 minutes
Additional Time:
2 hours 1 second
Total Time:
2 hours 15 minutes 1 second
Ingredients
Instructions
You guys, the bloopers for Grumpy Old Men are almost as funny as (if not more than) the movie itself. Here you go. You’re welcome.
On to Grumpier Old Men…
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!
Here it is: my favorite Halloween movie and perhaps my favorite Mel Brooks film, Young Frankenstein. Fans of the director will immediately recognize hilarious throwbacks (and throw forwards) to his other movies– walk this way, wasn’t your hump.. on the other side?, etc. But of …
