Instructions

Mix your first four ingredients-- top off with chilled gin and champagne (if you're a wicked, bad, naughty Zoot) OR club soda (you're such a Galahad, you prude).

Instructions

Begin with a roux-- melt butter in a sauce pan over medium heat until foaming, then add flour. Stir and allow to cook for a minute or two, until the smell of flour fades and you have a popcorn-smelling wet sand texture.

Add your remaining ingredients (except the bread, you silly K-nig-hts), and stir over medium-low heat until melted.

Keep your cheese mixture warm while you lightly toast your bread. Pour cheese sauce over bread and summon fire without flint or tinder-- ie toast the cheese with a blow torch or under a broiler. To avoid burning the toast, I suggest counting to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out.

And now, brave knights! If you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth...

RUN AWAAAAAY!

Instructions

Spatchcocking a chicken is actually super easy. First, remove the giblets and set aside-- these will help flavor your sauce. Next, pat the bird dry with paper towels and place on a large cutting board, breast side down. Using sharp kitchen scissors, remove backbone by cutting along either side of it. Reserve the spine along with the giblets.

Cut a slit at the base of the neck to encourage the flattening process. Nevermind that the underside of the chicken looks like the incubator horseshoe crab monster from Alien-- that is another movie entirely and we don't have any time for non-Monty Python allusions.

Turn chicken over and lay out flat. Press firmly the breast with the palm of your hand to flatten the bird.

Mix 1 tsp paprika, brown sugar, oregano, salt and pepper, and sprinkle 1/3 on the now underside of the chicken, and 2/3 on the breast side. Refrigerate, uncovered, for 2 hours.

About an hour before you are ready to eat, take your chicken out of the fridge and allow to sit at room temperature for about ten minutes. Next, heat your grill for 5 minutes on high. Clean and oil your grilling grate-- you don't want other nasty food bits sticking to your chicken.

Reduce the back burner to medium low heat, and reduce front to medium high. Place chicken, breast side up, on cooler side of grill, with legs facing toward hotter side. Cover the grill and cook until an instant-read thermometer inserted into thickest part of breast registers 110F (about 35 minutes).

While chicken is grilling, make your sauce. Melt butter in a sauce pan with flour for another, loose roux. Add liquids, giblets and spine, onion powder and 1 tbsp paprika and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and allow to simmer until slightly thickened. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

Now, back to your chicken. After you've reached your 110 degrees, flip your bird and place on hotter side of grill, skin side down, with breasts pointed toward cooler side. Press down firmly with a wide, stiff spatula to ensure good contact between bird and grill grates. Cover and cook until skin is crisp and an instant-read thermometer inserted into thickest part of breast registers 160°F, about 10 minutes longer.

Transfer chicken to a cutting board and allow to rest, uncovered, for 10-15 minutes. Hack into pieces and serve with strained sauce.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

Instructions

You might think that herring in a vinaigrette sounds cringe worthy, aka Ekki-ekki-ekki-ekki-PTANG, Zoom-Boing, z'nourrwringmm. But it's NOT. It works very similarly to an anchovy in a salad dressing, and you can dial it up or down based on preference.

So, start by mashing your herring filet into a paste-- I ended up with a heaping tsp, which was just enough for a hint of brine.

Combine with vinegar, lemon juice, capers, salt and pepper. Whisk in olive oil, until emulsified, and add more salt and pepper to taste. Set aside.

Now for your shrubbery assembly-- pile your greens high on both sides of a path (a path! a path!) of radish and cucumber slices, and drizzle with vinaigrette. A lovely little salad worthy of Roger, the shrubber. It's very easy-- oh no! I said it! oh no I said it again!

Instructions

Preheat the oven to 350F. Mix together the coconut, sugar and egg yolks to form a stiff, dough-like consistency.

Take a little of the mixture and squeeze into balls about 1 inch in diameter. Coat with additional flour and arrange on a baking tray.

Bake for 15 minutes until golden in color, and serve inside coconut halves if you're fancy and only once you've finished playing horsie with them.