Instructions

Divide three cups of vodka equally into three glasses. Toss a handful of each kind of candy into separate glasses, cover, and refrigerate for at least three hours. The end result:

As you're waiting for your candy to marinate, prep your flavored sugars. On three plates, dump a couple of tbsps of sugar and toss with orange zest on one plate, lime zest on the other, lemon on the last.

When you're almost ready to DRINK UP GIRLFRIENDS, moisten the lip of nine shot glasses-- three with an orange wedge, three with a lime and three with a lemon. Dip into corresponding sugars and allow rims to dry for a couple of minutes. Add orange juice, lime juice, and lemon juice into corresponding shot glasses, and then add your candy corn flavored vodka to your orange shot, your gummy bear vodka into your lime shot, and your jelly bean vodka into your lemon one.

Serve chilled, and in accordance with the previously detailed drinking game. I'm only one person, so here are three shots instead of nine for just me. And no, I can't solve the gd word problem.

Instructions

Pour all ingredients over ice and sip, again in accordance with the aforementioned drinking game.

Instructions

Prep your burger innards!

Toss oil on a griddle pan and heat on medium. Add sliced onions and toss until just barely softened-- push aside.

Add meat balls to the spot on the griddle pan previously occupied by your onions. Press flat with a spatula until you get about 1/4 inch thick patties-- cook for one minute.

Top your patties with equal portions of onions and flip your patties so that the onions come into direct contact with the griddle.

And here I steal a technique from Serious Eats: place the bottom half of the buns over your onion covered patties, and then place your hamburger tops on top of your bottom buns. Cover the griddle with a towel, making sure the cloth doesn't hit open flame, and cook for another 2 minutes. Steaming the buns under a towel with the meat ensures they pick up on all the meaty onion-y essenceeee.

Remove the towel and the buns and top your patties with a slice of cheese, each (quartered if you need to fit the small size of the patties). Add the top bun back to the top of each patty, and cover yet again with a towel-- cook for 1 more minute.

Remove patties and top buns from the griddle pan and place on your top bottoms. At this point if you have extra caramelized onions, feel free to throw those on your burgers too!

Serve immediately, with all the condiments and junk food.

I LOVE it when it's hamburger day!

Instructions

Start with your COOL RANCH seasoning: mix first 7 ingredients in a mini blender and pulse into a fine grind. Set aside.

Next, peel and cut your potatoes into 1/4 inch thick strips-- submerge in cold water as you prep to avoid potatoes turning brown.

Add vinegar, salt, 2 qts of water and potatoes to a large stock pot and bring to a boil-- cook for 10 minutes until tender, but not completely falling apart. Remove from heat with a strainer and allow to come to room temperature.

While you wait, heat oil in the same pot and heat to roughly 380 degrees (I use a candy thermometer to make sure I've got the right temp).

When you're ready to fry separate your potatoes into four batches and fry each for 1 minute. Temperature will fluctuate as you add and remove batches, so play with your gauge and wait between batches to make sure you stay at around 380. Drain each batch on paper towels, and allow to come to room temperature.

After about 30 minutes, bring your oil back up to frying temp, and fry your batches again-- about 3 minutes per batch. You're looking for a golden brown color. Remove each batch from the hot oil with a mesh strainer and drain on paper towels, tossing immediately with cool ranch seasoning.

Serve warm, alongside sliders, two cokes, and the formula to post its glue.

Instructions

First, cut your top round steak into 1 inch thick long slices.

Next, mix the remaining ingredients in a large bag and swash around until the sugar and salt dissolve fully. Now, some people might say the liquid smoke is cheating, and that you should use a smoker. What do I say? It adds twice the taste in half the time for the gal on the go. Don't like it? Fuck off!

Add the meat strips to the bag and seal-- refrigerate overnight to allow the flavors get all up in that meat.

The next day, heat the oven to 170/175. Line a baking sheet with foil and a rack, and arrange the meat strips side by side.

Slow-roast for four hours, and then turn-- continue to roast for another hour. Remove from the oven, and serve (either in smoky wrapped paper) or make ahead and store for up to a week in an airtight container.

IMO, far superior to any junk food that might be inspired by Sandy Frinkazoid. He's nice, but he's no Cowboy.

Instructions

First, make sure your flour won't KILL YOU DEAD (apparently raw flour is a bad thing). In a microwave save dish, heat flour for 1 minute, stirring midway through. Heat until you get to 180 degrees, and you should be good to go.

Now, time to assemble the rest of your cookie dough base:

With a hand mixer or stand mixer, beat the brown sugar, salt, granulated sugar, butter, yogurt and vanilla extract until fluffy-- about a minute. Sift in your flour, and mix on low speed until you get to a chunky consistency:

Fold in your cand bar pieces and try not to eat as you go...

Roll into a sausage shape within plastic wrap, and refrigerate for at least an hour.

When ready to eat, slice bite or gouge your way through till it's aalllllll gone.