Recipes for foodies and film nerds. Because life's too short for stale popcorn and crappy movies.
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids– a classic family film that made every child in the 1980’s crave Little Debbie’s. Also the movie that made me realize grown ups should ALWAYS listen to their pets. QUARK KNEW EVERYTHING THE ENTIRE TIME SZALINSKI. Set in an unspecified …
Starring the incomparable Rosalind Russell (ie the star of His Girl Friday and many other fast talking classics), Auntie Mame is a long time personal favorite. Initially set during the Prohibition era, the film follows bohemian socialite Mame Dennis, who is granted custody of her …
It’s almost Christmas as I write this, so Love Actually is, actually, all around. Thankfully, it’s a delightful movie full of relatable characters (except Kyra Knightly, who always sucks) and poignant moments that still make me ugly happy cry 20 yrs later. I have to have an entire box of tissues on hand during Sam’s run through the airport.
Written and directed by rom com genius Richard Curtis (Four Weddings and a Funeral, Bridget Jones, Knotting Hill), Love Actually was one of the first large ensemble films to resonate with me. It’s also maybe the last– filmmakers have tried to replicate with little success (I’m looking at you, Valentine’s Day). Rather than a saccharine collection of generic lovey-dovey stories, the plot includes flawed characters with a range of personalities and ages, and not all of them have happy endings. And still when you finish Love Actually, you feel optimistic and a bit better about the world– which is quite something in this day and age.
So, in honor of Love Actually, Heathrow Airport, and England (the country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter, David Beckham’s right foot, and David Beckham’s left foot), I’ve made a high tea filled with delicious delicacies and taste explosions. Absolutely no dead baby’s fingers included.
So, assuming you’re ready to get the shit kicked out of you by love– get cooking!
For the old (Billy Mack baby) and young (epically agile Sam) rock and rollers in the film-- these very British sausage rolls get an apropo red hue from the roasted beets included. Yes it's punny, but what the hell. Preheat your oven to 425. Mix grated beet/beat with sausage, onion, and seasonings. Sprinkle a cutting board with flour, and lay out your puff pastry. Spread mustard over pastry, with roughly a one inch boarder on all sides untouched. Spread sausage mixture over mustard in a line, and brush the borders of the pastry with egg wash-- see below. Wrap your roll and rest with seal at the bottom. Brush with more egg wash and score lightly with a sharp knife. Sprinkle with sesame seeds and cut into four equal pieces (you can trip the very ends first to ensure you don't have excee dough). Place on a parchment paper lined cookie sheet. Bake for 25 minutes, or until golden brown. Cool at least 10 minutes before serving, tho you can serve at room temperature. Ah fuck, wank, bugger, shitting arse head and hole these are good. You can buy cooked beets at the store sure, but if you have fresh beets handy it's very easy to roast them-- for the purposes of this recipe, tossed lightly in olive oil, salt, pepper, wrapped tighly in aluminum foil and roasted at 400 for 50 minutes. the beats will be softened but not super firm-- perfect for grating. A Portuguese sammie for Jamie and Aurelia, whose first awkward conversation takes place over a plate of croissants. Noting that I will never have Aurelia's hot bod, I ate both myself with no reservations. Assemble marinade ingredients! Reserve a tbsp of the sauce in a separate container, and marinade the chicken in the remainder ro at least 3hrs (up to overnight). Preheat the oven to 425. Place chicken on a wired rack over an aluminum foil covered cookie sheet and bake for 35-40 minutes until thickest part of the breast reads 150. You can ignore all sources that say 165 should be a cooked chicken's internal temp-- LIES. But you should use a meat thermometer just in cases. Remove from the oven and allow to come to room temperature. Mix the remaining tbsp of piri pir sauce with mayo and gather the rest of your sandwich fixins: Assemble and enjoy whilst dreaming of Colin Firth learning a new language just for you. For the mother of the first lobster in the nativity play. Karen gets a sandwich all her own, because she fucking DESERVES IT. First, collect your little lobster tails. I prefer fresh, since store bought cooked lobster tends to be chewy. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil, and add your lobster tails and 3 quarters of lemon. Your water will take a minute to come back to a rolling boil-- once it does, cook for 3 minutes. Remove the lobster tails from the water and immediately place under cold running water until no longer hot. Using a very sharp pair of scissors, cut through your lobster tails lengthwise and extricate the delicious yummy lobster meat. Mix mayo, juice from remaining quarter of lemon, celery, and shallot-- add in lobster, and flavor with salt and pepper to taste. Thinly slice cucumber on a bias, and get to assembling. Cut at a diagonal-- then consume while listening to Joni Mitchell and thinking about why men are garbage. A foursome of American-ized bacon and Wisconsin cheddar tarts--goofball Colin would enthusiastically approve. Cut your puff pastry squares, and mix egg, cream, cheese, salt, and hot sauce. Place squares in a cupcake tin and brush lightly with egg wash. Fill with egg mix. Bake at 425 for 10 minutes to start-- while you wait, cook bacon bits in a saute pan until crisped. Drain, and sprinkle over your tartlets for the final 5 minutes of cooking. Remove from the oven when the puff pastry is a rich golden brown. Allow to cool slightly before nom nom noming. YA DARLING. An egg wash is typically a very well beaten egg with either a splash of water or cream included. For Judy and Jack-- the man who politely warms his hands before massaging Judy's breasts. Note, per the EXCELLENT movie Amadeus, these tasty treats should really have chestnuts instead of walnuts. But I had walnuts on hand so screw it. Microwave dark chocolate in bursts of 30 seconds until melted (about a minute and a half all in). Set aside to cool slightly. Pulse the walnuts in a food processor until very finely chopped. Next, cream the butter and sugar with a hand mixer, a couple of minutes. Add the melted chocolate, nuts, brandy, and vanilla and mix until thoroughly combined. The mixture will be soft, so you'll want to refrigerate it for 10 or so minutes until slightly more firm. Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper and divide the chocolate mixture into two balls-- press slightly at the bottom of each so that they will sit flatly. Freeze for another 10 minutes so that your balls will again... firm up? lol. Microwave white melting chocolate in bursts of 30 seconds, just as you did with the dark chocolate. Dunk chilled chocolate balls into white chocolate until completely coated, working VERY quickly (the butter in the balls will melt). Set back onto the parchment paper and refreeze, before coating once more. Refrigerate for at least 15 to 20 minutes or longer. Add a drop or two of red food coloring to the remaining white chocolate until you get a light pink color. Using a piping tip, add a slight amount of pink chocolate to the top of each ball. And there you have it-- a super sweet yet very sexually explicit treat. Fucking Keira Knightly... she didn't deserve Mark and his beautiful sensitivity anyway. That said, she does have good taste in pies. And recipe in particular is YUM-- with just a bit of Brazilian cinnamon for sad Sarah and a slight essence of sea salty tears for grieving papa Daniel. Start with the dulce de leche-- preheat oven to 425°F, and pour sweetened condensed milk into a small glass baking dish. Cover with aluminum foil, and place dish in a larger baking dish. Pour hot water into the larger dish until it reaches halfway up the side of the smaller dish. Transfer to oven and cook until condensed milk has become deep golden brown, about 1 hour. Remove from oven and whisk dulce de leche while still hot. Set aside, and reduce oven temp to 350. In a small bowl, add the graham cracker crumbs, first portion of butter, and first portion of sugar. Stir to combine. Divide the graham cracker mixture into two tart molds (or cupcake tins if that's what you got), firmly pressing with your fingers. Bake for 5 to 10 minutes in a 350-degree oven or place in the freezer to set up for 10 minutes. In the meantime, saute your bananas in remaining butter, sugar, sea salt and cinnamon until caramelized golden brown. Cue the Bay City Rollers, and assemble-- add a heaping tbsp of dulce de leche to each crust, top with slices of banana, followed by whipped cream, another banana slice, and a dusting of additional cinnamon. RIP Alan Rickman-- you're a damn gem even though your character in Love Actually was an ass. Heat chocolate, cream and vanilla in a glass bowl in bursts of 30 seconds, until melted and shiny. This is your truffle base. Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes to set. Roll into two truffle balls, and gradually shape into hearts. Dust with gold until fully coated-- gouge a small hole in the bottom right of the "pendant" and fill with raspberry jam/"gems". Chill until ready to eat, at which point you should place into a box, wrap with gold ribbon. This box will then go into a cellophane bag-- don't worry, it will be ready in the flashiest of flashes-- which you should then fill with rose petals, followed by a flourish of dried lavendar. I think we can stop there-- I lack a larger Christmas box. For the prime minister who love chocolate biscuits and debatably plump, foul-mouthed women from the dodgy end of London. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Cream the vanilla, butter and sugar with a hand mixer. Sift in the flour and salt, and continue to miix on low speed until the dough starts to come together. Dump onto a surface dusted with more flour and shape into a flat disk. Wrap in plastic and chill for 30 minutes. Roll the dough 1/4-inch thick and, using a cookie cutter or glass, cut four circles out of the dough. In the center of two of the rounds cut out two hearts. At this point, you'll have extra dough, so why not make a bunch of baby heart cookies? Because unlike Natalie, my thighs actually ARE the size of big tree trunks. Bake on a parchment paper lined cookie sheet for 20 to 25 minutes, until the edges begin to turn golden brown. Allow to cool to room temperature. Melt the chocolate in a glass bowl (at this point in the blog post, you should be well versed). Spread onto the non-stenciled cookies, and allow to cool before covering with a layer of jelly. Feel free to do the same with your baby hearts if you have extra! They're a delightful accompaniment to a nice cuppa tea and a smooch with Hugh Grant. I know, I know, I didn't add milk. But the spiced rum is more "me" anyway let's be honest. If you don't know how to make a cup of tea, I don't know what you're doing reading this blog.
Rock and Sausage Rolls with Beat-root
Yield:
4 rolls
Cook Time:
40 minutes
Total Time:
40 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Piri Piri Chicken Croissants
Yield:
2 Small Sandwiches
Prep Time:
3 hours
Cook Time:
45 minutes
Total Time:
3 hours 45 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Lobster Salad Tea Sandwiches
Cook Time:
30 minutes
Total Time:
30 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Wisconsin Cheddar and Bacon Tartlets
Yield:
4 tarts
Cook Time:
20 minutes
Total Time:
20 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Nipples of Venus for the Stand Ins
Cook Time:
30 minutes
Total Time:
30 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Sad Sack Brazilian Banofie Pie
Cook Time:
30 minutes
Total Time:
30 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Cheater's Chocolate Pendant with Extra Wrapping
Cook Time:
30 minutes
Total Time:
30 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Chocolate Jammie Dodger Biscuits
Yield:
2 big cookies plus a few smaller
Ingredients
Instructions
Boozy Christmas Tea
Ingredients
Instructions
In case you want a soundtrack while you cook– Love Actually has a great one :). HAPPY CHRISTMAS!
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!
I could spend days talking about Everything Everywhere All At Once. I can’t remember the last time I saw a film this original, while still being relatable and intensely relevant. A24, you did so good. Everything Everywhere follows Evelyn Wang (Michelle Yeoh, brilliant), a disgruntled …
While the initial intention was to time this Jurassic Park menu to the release of the sixth (and dear god we hope) final movie in the Jurassic Park/World franchise, I’ve also realized that I’m slowly making my way through the Steven Spielberg “top five”. If …
It all began on New Year’s Day… or in the case of this post, New Year’s Eve.
All hail Bridget Jones (Renee Zellweger), wanton sex goddess, who was able to land two, count ’em TWO, of the hottest British actors to ever grace the silver screen (that is, Hugh Grant and Colin Firth). There was quite a bit of hullabaloo in the UK when Zellweger was cast in this iconic literary role, being that she was NOT plump and definitely from Texas– but IMO she nailed it.
For those of you who have not seen Bridget Jones’s Diary, the film is a modern take on the classic “Pride and Prejudice” (Clueless, sorry, this one wins my affection award for modern Austen retellings). Now a single 32 year old living in London, our heroine Bridget must contend with the all too familiar fears of dying fat, alone, and eaten by wild dogs. With the arrival of the new year and her very non-PC mother’s turkey curry buffet, she fails all of her resolutions within about five minutes– and continues to do so with each subsequent, love triangle filled day that passes. Who should she choose– sexy red-flagapalooza boss Daniel Cleaver, romantic but emotionally constipated Mark Darcy, her career and sense of self-worth, or VODKA???
Clearly a perfect movie for singletons of the world over, this one really does hold up for me. And, it’s a great excuse to drink too much while watching a rom com at the end of a shitty pandemic year.
So, raise your glasses after filling them with booze, and enjoy the below menu of small plates inspired by Bridget Jones’s Diary. Let’s bid 2021 adieu!
A relatively low calorie cocktail sure to get you smashed-- vodka, soda, and pretty red and green stuff. Because now that we're in our 30's, we can definitely hold our drink! Add raspberries and mint to a glass, fill said glass with mostly vodka, top off of sparkly water. Maybe add ice? And repeat frequently throughout the night because, like Bridget Jones: Not a culinary note, but would still like to mention that a close friend of mine calls all whole berries in cocktails "standards" because while drunk at a bar one night, she asked if said bar had any fruit she could add to her wine-- when they replied no, she yelled "DON'T YOU HAVE ANY STANDARDS?!?!". And I feel like this is apt for Miss Jones, who could definitely up her standards at the beginning of the film and certainly seems to acquire some by the end (SPOILER). So here's to you Ashley-- bottoms up! A recipe for those still coping with Christmas leftovers and also for whom pickles on toothpicks are NOT the height of sophistication-- I give you a lovely turkey curry appetizer. PS, this was my first time making curry! So, to be safe, I looked up a number of recipes and went with a slightly tweaked version of a NYT's Turkey Tikka Masala dish (tikka masala being the national dish of Britain). Caperberry gravy and gherkins not included. Bridget Jones would not have approved. Begin by marinading your turkey chunks in yogurt in spices-- in a medium bowl, add poultry, garam masala, coriander, cumin, paprika, turmeric, garlic, ginger, salt, and yogurt. Mix well, cover, and chill at least an hour or up to overnight. Next, get started on your masala sauce. In a medium saucepan, add canola oil and heat to medium. Throw in your onion slices, and add cardamom, paprika, red pepper flakes, garam masala, a pinch of salt and your bay leaf. Toss to coat, and cook until onions are caramelized-- about 20 minutes. If need be, reduce the heat to medium low to prevent your onions from burning. Add your ginger and garlic to the same pan and stir for another minute. Next, stir in your tomato paste and allow THAT to cook for another minute. Finally, add in tomatoes, crushing with your hands as you go. Simmer until liquid is almost evaporated, about 15 minutes. Add cream, cilantro, and salt-- continue to simmer until sauce thickens a bit, about 15 more minutes. While your masala sauce simmers, turn on your oven's broiler. Lay your chicken chunks in their yogurt marinade on an aluminum foil lined baking sheet, and broil until the pieces begin to blacken ever so slightly-- this should take only 5 minutes. Remove from the oven and set aside. Go back to your masala sauce and remove the bay leaf. Using an immersion blender, puree the sauce until relatively smooth. It should NOT need sieving, Una. Just before serving, add the turkey chunks to the sauce and toss until warmed through. Add more salt if needed, and spoon over dishes filled with steamed basmati rice. Serve hot, garnished with cilantro leaves. A kind of shot that Bridget would also enjoy-- full of carbs and cheese and not at all conducive to weight loss. But us verbally incontinent spinsters need some saturated fat sometimes. AND blue is good. If you ask me there isn't enough blue food. Get those ingredients together! Heat the butter in a medium saucepan until melted, and add your fennel, leek, and potato. Add olive oil, and season lightly with salt and pepper-- toss to coat. Allow the ingredients in the saucepan to sweat on medium/medium-low for about 10 minutes, until soft but NOT browned. Add chicken stock, bring to a gentle simmer, and cover with a lid-- cook like this for about 30 minutes to allow your vegetables to fully soften. Remove the pan from the heat and, using an immersion blender, puree the stock and vegetables until smooth. If using a food processor, do be sure to fasten the lid tightly... [ Add the cream and blue cheese, and continue to blend until fully incorporated. Place soup back on low heat until slightly thickened, and season with salt and pepper to taste. Pour into to soup shot glasses, and serve with fennel fronds as garnish. The main course in Bridget Jones's failed birthday supper, thanks to Mark Darcy-- and a recipe he might have been familiar making given his past unlucky relationship. Despite mother Pam's very non-PC judgement of Japanese culture, this surprisingly simple tamagoyaki recipe is delightful and perfect for a party. The rolling process might seem intimidating at first, but just keep repeating to yourself-- I am the intellectual equal of everyone else here. Begin with omelet base ingredients: Whisk eggs, soy sauce, dashi and mirin until completely mixed. Note, if you don't have access to homemade dashi broth, you can always rely on these super helpful packages of dried dashi and dissolve it in water! Then, in either an official tamagoyaki pan or a round non-stick skillet, you can begin building your layered roll. With a canola oil doused paper towel square, grease your pan, and heat over medium. Pour 1/4 of your egg mixture into the pan and tilt to coat the bottoom with as even a circle as you can make. All enough time for the edges to solidify, at which point you can fold in two sides of the circle. Next, roll the unfolded end of this "rectangle", from bottom of the pan to the top. Push yuor egg roll back to the bottom end of the pan, and re-grease the pan with your oiled paper towel. Pour another 1/4 of the egg mix into the empty space in the pan, and lift your already completed up egg roll to allow some of the raw mix to get under it. Fold the sides in again once the raw mix has begun to firm up, and repeat the rolling process. Do this two more times, until you end up with a thicker log. ... this is starting to sound inappropriate. Slice the egg roll into six equal pieces and top with a drizzle of siracha and scallions. Have it OEUF! No overspray to mind, thank god. If you don't have mirin, you can substitute with sake or alternatively a dry white wine and a pinch of sugar. Also, if the above set of instructioons on how to roll a tamagoyaki in a round pan is a bit murky, use this video on youtube-- super helpful! A finishing flourish to *i hope* a slightly more successful meal than Bridget Jones's birthday "feast"-- orange marmalade biscuits/cookies with a nice spike of booze. Because, have you seen this movie?? I may use cookie and biscuit interchangeably here, just be aware. The movie's British guys, deal with it. Preheat your oven to 350 good god! (i might be drunk as i write this) Gather your base ingredients together... ... and beat your butter, sugar and vanilla together with a hand mixer until light and fluffy. Sift in flour and salt in 1/2 cup increments, and continue to beat until fully incorporated-- add the orange zest in with the last batch of sifted flour. Form dough into a disk, and wrap in plastic. Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes. After chilling period has ended, roll your dough between two pieces of parchment paper-- should be about 1/8 inch thick. Using a cookie cutter or whatever other round shaped devices you have on hand (note, I have a shot glass), cut 12 three-inch rounds and 12 three-inch donut shapes out of your dough. Place onto a parchment paper lined baking sheet like so: Bake, for 15-20 mins-- keep an eye, you want to take out of the oven when the edges of your shortbread biscuits turn golden at the edges. Remove from the oven and allow to cool to room temperature. In the meantime, mix marmalade with booze and prep a cookie assembly station. When biscuits are cool, sprinkle the hollow ones with powdered sugar, and get to it: Mmmmmm-- deeelishioush! You can find my 4 ingredient orange marmalade recipe here-- just needs a few hours (or overnight) to set and you're SET. Get it?
I Choose Vodka
Yield:
Oh, thousands.
Cook Time:
2 minutes
Total Time:
2 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Turkey Curry
Yield:
4 Servings
Prep Time:
1 hour 30 minutes
Cook Time:
1 hour
Total Time:
2 hours 30 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
"Blue" Leek, Stilton, Fennel and Potato Soup
Yield:
2 Servings
Cook Time:
1 hour
Total Time:
1 hour
Ingredients
Instructions
Slice white fennel bulb into thick strips, removing the tough inner core but reserving a step or two for the fronds. Next, slice your leek, white and very pale green parts only-- if you are seeing a lot of grit on the leek, you may want to rinse the slices in water. Lastly, peel and cube your potato into roughly 1 inch thick chunks.
Japanese Omelette
Yield:
6 Pieces
Cook Time:
15 minutes
Total Time:
15 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Boozy Orange Marmalade Biscuits
Yield:
1 Dozen (ie 1 Serving)
Prep Time:
45 minutes
Cook Time:
20 minutes
Total Time:
1 hour 5 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Until I find that “Someone Like You” guy who likes me just the way I am, I’ll be over here:
Wish me luck. I’m going to Bedfordshire.
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!
It’s like. Duh. One of the best 90’s movies EVER. It’s also way smarter than you might think. Starring Mira Sorvino and Lisa Kudrow, Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion is a comedic alternative to Thelma & Louise and a wonderfully lighthearted balm for anyone (and …
This past weekend was the 40th anniversary of the beginning of the Indiana Jones trilogy, Raiders of the Lost Ark! (We do not acknowledge any subsequent Indy productions on this blog– they are blasphemous and shameful.) I have too many thoughts on this, one of …
If you are reading this at the beginning of April– here is a not-so-traditional movie menu for Easter! At first you may not think Monty Python and the Holy Grail fits the spring holiday vibe, but think again. You’ve got religion (God be praised!), gatherings of friends and family (with routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable), and not one but TWO rabbit appearances (the second with NASTY, POINTY TEETH).
So everyone else can keep their deviled eggs and insipid peeps. I’m happy with dismembered chicken, thank you very much!
Is Monty Python and The Holy Grail the funniest movie ever made? I honestly think it might be. Co-directed by the two Terry’s (Gilliam and Jones) in 1975, it is the Monty Python troupe’s first real journey to the cinema after years of sketch comedy for television. The story is of course focused on King Arthur and his legendary quest for the Holy Grail, and makes amazing use of historical and cinematic source material for medieval gags. Together with his following of incompetent/irrationally violent/not so brave Round Table knights, King Arthur must contend with snobbish French aristocrats with out-RAGEOUS accents, irritable peasants with too firm a grasp on economics, sorcerers, monsters, and the British police. The Dark Ages were a bitch.
I cannot say how many times my brother and I annoyed my parents with “he’s going to tell, he’s going to tell, he’s going to tell, he’s going to tell” , or walked slowly around our house singing some garbled version of “pie iesu domine, dona eis requim” and smashing our heads with books. But I’m sure this is exactly the type of lunacy Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Eric Idle, Michael Palin, and the two Terry’s would have appreciated. Perhaps Life of Brian would’ve been more thematically appropriate for Easter, but after all– no bunnies.
OK, let’s GET ON WITH IT. “And the people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large chu–” Skip it. I did not make those things. But I did make other delicious things you could eat for lunch OR dinner. Please do enjoy, together with a side stitch-inducing screening of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Special thanks goes to Moose trainer Yutte Hermsgervørdenbrøtbørda as well as “Ralph” the Wonder Llama.
YOU'RE MOTHER WAS A HAMPSTER, AND YOU'RE FATHER SMELT.. OF ELDERBERRIES! Who knew Elderberry syrup was widely available online, and good for your immune system to boot? Mix your first four ingredients-- top off with chilled gin and champagne (if you're a wicked, bad, naughty Zoot) OR club soda (you're such a Galahad, you prude). No I didn't cook real rabbit-- I'm not a monster aaaaaaaaaagh. But trust me when I say that this Scottish version of rarebit (the historical poor man's rabbit in the UK) is a scrummy alternative. It's basically cheese on toast with a BITE (get it?). Now for the recipe. Follow! BUT-- follow only if ye be men of valor! Begin with a roux-- melt butter in a sauce pan over medium heat until foaming, then add flour. Stir and allow to cook for a minute or two, until the smell of flour fades and you have a popcorn-smelling wet sand texture. Add your remaining ingredients (except the bread, you silly K-nig-hts), and stir over medium-low heat until melted. Keep your cheese mixture warm while you lightly toast your bread. Pour cheese sauce over bread and summon fire without flint or tinder-- ie toast the cheese with a blow torch or under a broiler. To avoid burning the toast, I suggest counting to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. And now, brave knights! If you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth... RUN AWAAAAAY! It's clearly not just a flesh wound... This is a fool proof recipe inspired by Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight-- a spatchcocked, blackened, and dismembered chicken with a bloody delicious sauce. If you want to be extra on-the-nose, I recommend starting with the wings before moving on to the legs. Spatchcocking a chicken is actually super easy. First, remove the giblets and set aside-- these will help flavor your sauce. Next, pat the bird dry with paper towels and place on a large cutting board, breast side down. Using sharp kitchen scissors, remove backbone by cutting along either side of it. Reserve the spine along with the giblets. Cut a slit at the base of the neck to encourage the flattening process. Nevermind that the underside of the chicken looks like the incubator horseshoe crab monster from Alien-- that is another movie entirely and we don't have any time for non-Monty Python allusions. Turn chicken over and lay out flat. Press firmly the breast with the palm of your hand to flatten the bird. Mix 1 tsp paprika, brown sugar, oregano, salt and pepper, and sprinkle 1/3 on the now underside of the chicken, and 2/3 on the breast side. Refrigerate, uncovered, for 2 hours. About an hour before you are ready to eat, take your chicken out of the fridge and allow to sit at room temperature for about ten minutes. Next, heat your grill for 5 minutes on high. Clean and oil your grilling grate-- you don't want other nasty food bits sticking to your chicken. Reduce the back burner to medium low heat, and reduce front to medium high. Place chicken, breast side up, on cooler side of grill, with legs facing toward hotter side. Cover the grill and cook until an instant-read thermometer inserted into thickest part of breast registers 110F (about 35 minutes). While chicken is grilling, make your sauce. Melt butter in a sauce pan with flour for another, loose roux. Add liquids, giblets and spine, onion powder and 1 tbsp paprika and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and allow to simmer until slightly thickened. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Now, back to your chicken. After you've reached your 110 degrees, flip your bird and place on hotter side of grill, skin side down, with breasts pointed toward cooler side. Press down firmly with a wide, stiff spatula to ensure good contact between bird and grill grates. Cover and cook until skin is crisp and an instant-read thermometer inserted into thickest part of breast registers 160°F, about 10 minutes longer. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. A shrubbery for the Knights who saaaaay... NI! One that looks nice. And not too expensive. And a path running down the middle. And a vinaigrette made wiiiiith... A HERRING! You might think that herring in a vinaigrette sounds cringe worthy, aka Ekki-ekki-ekki-ekki-PTANG, Zoom-Boing, z'nourrwringmm. But it's NOT. It works very similarly to an anchovy in a salad dressing, and you can dial it up or down based on preference. So, start by mashing your herring filet into a paste-- I ended up with a heaping tsp, which was just enough for a hint of brine. Combine with vinegar, lemon juice, capers, salt and pepper. Whisk in olive oil, until emulsified, and add more salt and pepper to taste. Set aside. Now for your shrubbery assembly-- pile your greens high on both sides of a path (a path! a path!) of radish and cucumber slices, and drizzle with vinaigrette. A lovely little salad worthy of Roger, the shrubber. It's very easy-- oh no! I said it! oh no I said it again! If you really don't like/don't feel like buying herring, feel free to use my french vinaigrette recipe-- simple and delicious.
Elderberry Fizz
Yield:
2 Cocktails
Cook Time:
5 minutes
Total Time:
5 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Scottish Rarebit
Yield:
2 Servings
Prep Time:
10 minutes
Cook Time:
10 minutes
Total Time:
20 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Dismembered Chicken
Prep Time:
2 hours
Cook Time:
45 minutes
Additional Time:
15 minutes
Total Time:
3 hours
Ingredients
Instructions
Transfer chicken to a cutting board and allow to rest, uncovered, for 10-15 minutes. Hack into pieces and serve with strained sauce.
A Shrubbery!
Yield:
2 Servings
Cook Time:
10 minutes
Total Time:
10 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Huzzah! A solution for the put upon 5oz swallow (African or otherwise) tasked with carrying a 1lb coconut from tropical climes. Gone are the days when we ask our avian friends to simply "grip it by the husk!" Introducing this coconut cookie, a tasty treat from Nigeria light enough for birds of (almost all) air speed velocities.
Preheat the oven to 350F. Mix together the coconut, sugar and egg yolks to form a stiff, dough-like consistency.
Take a little of the mixture and squeeze into balls about 1 inch in diameter. Coat with additional flour and arrange on a baking tray.
Bake for 15 minutes until golden in color, and serve inside coconut halves if you're fancy and only once you've finished playing horsie with them.
Splitting a coconut is surprisingly simple-- use a hammer to pierce the "eyes" and let the juice out, then hit the coconut with the hammer in a full rotation around the middle. A hairline crack will appear and then widen.
Undoubtedly there will be a Two Crumbs Up Monty Python and the Holy Grail Part 2. I really want to make some watery tarts. And a giant Trojan rabbit. But the above will do for now.
In the meantime, I’m now rewatching Monty Python and the Holy Grail for the fifth time in two days. This scene is still making me cackle:
UPDATE: The team at Monty Python just posted all of the above recipes on their official website. I’m floored. You can check them out here.
If you’re anywhere in my vicinity today, watch out– I’ll be doing a silly walk out of pure joy.
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!
I read somewhere that Michael Keaton ad libbed 90% of his lines as Betelgeuse/Beetlejuice. That’s insane to me, because I consider it to be one of his best performances (it’s also his favorite role). And, the movie itself is still one of the funniest dark …