Instructions

Start by making simple syrup-- in a small saucepan, heat water and sugar and simmer until sugar is dissolved. Remove from heat and allow to cool.

In a larger sauce pan, bring roughly 8 cups of water to boil. Add the tapioca pearls and cook for 5ish minutes, or till your pearls reach your desired softness (I like mine a little more firm). Drain the pearls and transfer them to a bowl of ice water to chill. Gather your reamining ingredients.

Once chilled, drain the pearls once again. Pour half of the simple syrup over the pearls, cover, and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes or until almost ready to serve..

To assemble your drinks-- wet the rim of three lowball glasses and dip into black sugar/glitter/charcoal. Divide tapioca pearls into your glasses and top with a scoop of ice (enough to get your glasses to half full. badum bump). Add tea, then whiskey, followed by 2 tablespoons of milk and 1 1/2 tablespoons of simple syrup into each glass. Flavor with more syrup and dairy, to your taste.

Instructions

In a small saucepan, bring water to a boil. Add your egg and boil for roughly 7 minutes (don't go too much longer or you won't get that yolky jammy texture everyone loves so much). Once time is up, remove egg from the water and allow to cool. Peel, and add to a ziploc together with your soy sauce. Seal and refrigerate for at least an hour, and up to 24 hours.

In a small bowl, whisk together sugar, salt, both soy sauces, oyster sauce, sesame oil, and white pepper-- make sure all of your sugar is dissolved. Gather the rest of your ingredients.

In a large pot, bring about 8 cups of water to boil. Cook your noodles according to package instructions-- somewhere between 7-8 mins. Check to make sure they are al dente, no one likes overcooked noodles. And remember, these babies are LONG.

Feel free to sample, just be aware you may be eating one of your own children in another universe. Drain and briefly set aside.

Add 2 tbsp of veggie oil to a wok or non-stick skillet over high heat. Toss in white parts of the scallions and saute for about 30 seconds. Add the noodles and stir fry for another 30 seconds, tossing to coat in oil.

Pour in your sauce mix and stir fry for another minute or so, continuing to toss. If you need to, add the remainder of your veggie oil to prevent your noodles from sticking to the pan. Just try not to break them up-- you want to keep your noodles long for longevity and prosperity! Add the green parts of the scallions as well as your chopped chives to the pan. Mix until they turn bright green, just another minute or so.

Serve immediately, with your soy sauce marinated egg cut in half for extra good luck and longevity.

Instructions

Dissolve your sugar into 2/3 cup warm water, then add yeast-- you'll need to wait about two minutes for the yeast to "bloom", ie get all foamy. Add flours, salt, and cocoa powder to a separate mixing bowl while you wait-- the cocoa powder is what will guarantee a rich, dark pumpernickel color.

Mix dry ingredients until they are fully incorporated, and pour in your bloomy yeasty sugar water. Mix until you get a rough dough ball, adding a couple more tbsp of water as needed to get all of the flour into the dough ball. Let sit for 10 minutes-- then, on a floured cutting board, knead the dough for a minute or two until smooth.

Lightly brush a large mixing bowl with oil, add the dough, and turn to coat. Cover with a damp towel and let rise in a warm place for an hour and a half-- the dough should double in size. You'll know that it's ready when you press the dough with your finger and it doesn't bounce back:

Punch the dough down and, on an unfloured board this time, roll it into a ball. Coat a finger with flour and create a hole in the center, stretching it out roughly 2 inches in diameter. Cover with the same damp towel and let rise for about 20 minutes while you bring a big pot of water to boil and preheat your oven to 425.

When your water is boiling, carefully lower your bagel in-- boil for 2 minutes, flip, and boil for another two minutes.

Remove the bagel from the hot water and immediate coat with everything bagel seasoning.

Bake for 25 minutes and allow to rest for at least 15 before cutting. While you wait, mix sliced scallions into your cream cheese and when ready... MMMMMM DAIRY. In some universes cows don't even exist anymore, so relish it.

Just don't look too long or too closely-- you might get suuucked. Intooooo. the Baaaaagel...

Instructions

Place chef hat over the raccoon controlling your every movement and collect your "ratatouille" veggies. Mix up the remaining ingredients for the marinade (oil and sesame seeds occluded).

Marinade veggies for 30 minutes in a sealed ziploc.

Heat oil on a large flat griddle pan (or a large non-stick if that's all ya got). Add the veggies and cook, tossing every once in a while to ensure all sides are equally browned. You should be done in about 5 minutes, barring any glitches with the hair/hand connection.

Raccacoonie, I don't know what I'd do without you...

Instructions

Add almond flour, salt and butter to one bowl-- sift all purpose flour, sugar, and baking soda into another.

Beat the almond flour mix on medium until just incorporated, then add half of your whisked egg and almond extract. Add all-purpose mix next, continuing on medium speed until you have a doughy consistency.

Scoop 12 dough balls onto a piece of parchment paper using an ice cream scoop. Chill for at least an hour, covered.

Using your fingers, press dough into rounds roughly 2.5 inches in diameter (they should be at least 1 inch apart, they will spread as they bake!). Press two almonds into the top of each round to make eyes, and then use a small glass or measuring cup to impress a smile into each cookie. Brush with remaining whisked egg.

Bake at 325 for 10 minutes. Check at this point and, if you need to, re-impress your smiles into the dough. Continue to bake for another five minutes until cookies turn a pale gold, and remove from oven. Allow to cool on a baking sheet.

Whisk your sugar, water and food coloring and use this red mix to paint in your smilies. Remember, red is also good luck! Just lookit how happy these little dudes are, and I think they would be even in a stupid, stupid universe where we have hot dogs for fingers.