Instructions

Place four martini glasses in the freezer for at least 30 minutes before serving.

Mix the first four ingredients in a cocktail shaker. Fill with ice, and shake until fully chilled. Pour into cold martini glasses and drop a lemon peel in each. Serve immediately, perhaps while on a stairmaster-- burns off the booze.

Instructions

The anatomy of a basic charcuterie board typically includes cheese, meats, crackers/bread, fruit, something pickled, and spreads of both the salty and sweet variety. You can always customize to your heart's desire based on the ingredients you have on hand, but (with few exceptions) your charcuterie ingredients should be able to stay at room temperature for a while to enable long-term snackage.

I have listed the ingredients for my board above, but here are some guidelines on how I chose my items and how to assemble the board itself.

The Cheese: For a more sizeable (and comprehensive) board, I like to have a range of 4 cheese types: soft and spreadable with a rind (like a brie or camembert), hard and salty (like a parmesan or manchego), stinky blue/gorgonzola (it goes SO well with fruit), and aged/smoked (flavor-packed options include cheddar or smoked gouda). IF you're looking for a fresher flavor, you can always swap one of the above (typically the spreadable or stinky, depending on preference) for a soft and zingy goat cheese.

The Meat: If I have enough real estate, I usually try for a 1:1 meat/cheese ratio. Cured meats are best, since they stay tasty for a long time, but if you want to add fresh ham, be my guest. Just not for this movie, duh.

The Carbs: I like three bread-y items for my charcuterie board-- a crispy cracker, a slightly softer but heftier toasted bread, and a gluten-free option (because I'm considerate dammit). I don't typically choose flavored crackers beyond a cracked pepper, sesame or whole wheat, since I like the meat and cheese to be the stars of the board.

The Fruit: For this board, I went aged/dried to stay on theme, but you can usually add whatever is seasonal. Grapes are, of course, a no-brainer. My combo of cheese-stuffed, meat-wrapped dates was a little more complicated, but worth the extra effort!

The Nuts: A little crunch adds a lot! I always like to season the nuts I add to a charcuterie board-- one of my favorite recipes is included in this post, but another favorite is salted marcona almonds. Expensive, but tasty.

The Spreads: If you are limited on space, opt for one salty spread (mustard is super easy, and goes wonderfully with the meat) and one sweet spread (like preserves, chutney, jam, etc). IF you have the extra space (and I often make it) I like to add honey for drizzling.

The Pickles: Marinated olives are my go-to usually, but you can also buy or make your own pickled vegetables! The briny acidic taste is a wonderful complement to all of your other elements.

Now for a basic charcuterie board assembly. First, don't stress if you don't have a beautiful, hand-carved board, because you're going to cover the surface entirely with food. The rest is surprisingly simple-- each item should be equi-distant from its category counterparts. For this board, I housed my olives, nuts, and spreads in individual bowls and placed them at each corner/the center. Next, the cheese. Pre-slice your hard cheeses and have small knives ready for your spreadable and stinky cheeses. Like your bowls, place each equi-distant from each other. Now for the meat. I like to place the meats strategically next to the cheeses that complement them best in terms of flavor. You don't have to be precise here-- layer your sliced meats, and just lightly wrinkle your more pliable meats so that it's easy to pick up individual slices. Follow the same process with your crackers, fanning them out instead of piling them for convenient grabbing.

As I said before, this is only one way to approach charcuterie. You might have entirely different ingredients for a different cuisine/flavor profile, a different diet, or a different movie. I don't own you-- live your life the way that you want, and say and do whatever you please bababababababaaaaaaa.

Instructions

First, assemble your ingredients! Be sure to peel your apples before chopping, or the skins will make for an odd texture once cooked.

Throw everything into a small saucepan and bring to a boil-- reduce heat, and simmer on low for about an hour until apples are almost translucent.

The end result will be a chunky chutney/preserve that pairs beautifully with your salty meats and cheeses!

Instructions

Assemble all ingredients.

In a small saucepan, heat the olive oil over medium-low heat. Add lemon peel, thyme leaves, red pepper flakes, and garlic. Warm in the oil for a minute or two, but do not allow your ingredients to sizzle and brown-- we're just trying to infuse the oil a bit. Toss in your olives and stir to mix fully. Remove from heat, and squeeze your lemon juice over the mixture.

Transfer to an airtight container and store for at least 24 hrs before serving (preferably with toothpicks, we don't want to get sloppy pickled).

Instructions

First, CRUSH. I double bagged my nuts and went to town with a rolling pin. Good times.

Next, melt your butter in a skillet over medium until foaming. Add your crushed nuts and seasonings and stir to fully coat.

Continue to sautee just until nuts start to caramelize and sugar is fully melted, but be careful not to let them burn! We have to have some pity...

Instructions

First, make your herb infused lemony honey. Heat honey, lemon peel and rosemary in a saucepan until just beginning to bubble-- simmer for a couple of minutes until flavors fully infuse.

Remove from heat and take out rosemary and lemon peel (you can add a few rosemary leaves when serving for presentation). The end result will be a lovely drizzle accompaniment to your she-devils on horseback.

For your dates-- mix blue and cream cheeses until fully incorporated. Using a knife, find a seam in the side of your dates and slice along it lengthwise, revealing the pocket where the pit used to be. Stuff with cheese mixture, and wrap the bundle in a strip of prosciutto.

Serve on top additional strips of proscuitto, with a few toothpicks or a small fork for non-sticky "restaurant quality" neatness: