Instructions

Slowly pour beer into a pint glass tilted at a 45o angle. Stand the glass upright and wait for the beer to settle. Pour the cider slowly over the back of a spoon and into the glass of beer.

For the shot, mix equal parts very cold vodka, sake, and juice in a cocktail shaker with ice-- shake until chilled. Pour into as many shot glasses as you want and get the score card ready.

Instructions

To make the green sauce, get your verdant ingredients together:

To clarify, this means the first 11 ingredients. Add them to a food processor or blender. Roughly chop scallion greens and add those to the mix as well. Puree until smooth, and refrigerate until 30 mins before you're ready to eat.

For the meatballs-- thinly slice white parts of the scallions, and add them to a medium mixing bowl with the remaining ingredients. Mix lightly with your hands until just incorporated (but don't overmix or your meatballs will be solid as a literal bolder). Refrigerate for 1 hr.

About 20 mins before eating, preheat oven to 425 degrees F. Roll chilled meat mixture into balls about 1½ in diameter. Cover a baking sheet with parchment paper. Bake your meatballs for 20 mins until firm.

Serve warm with sauce drizzled and/or on the side.

Then RUN.

Instructions

Slice your dates lengthwise down the seam. Stuff each with about a tsp of goat cheese, followed by an almond.

Drizzle with honey, and dust lightly with baharat spice mix. Enjoy-- but maybe still keep an eye out for assassins.

Instructions

For the dukkah-- pulse the first 9 ingredients in a mini-food processor until roughly ground into a chunky dust. Alternatively, chop the nuts and crush together with a morter and pestle. Set aside until ready to eat, or alternatively store in an air tight container for up to a week. But first, make sure you sift it through your hands and pretend like you're handling something very very very old...

Now, time for your bread. In a large mixing bowl, add yeast and sugar to 1/2 cup of lukewarm water. Stir very lightly and allow a minute or so for the yeast to "bloom" (that is, to get FOAMY). Add the flours, salt, and olive oil and stir with a wooden spoon until a shaggy dough forms.

Dust a cutting board with a little reserved flour, and knead the dough for about a minute until smooth. Cover and let rest 15 minutes, then knead again for 2 minutes. Try not to add too much reserved flour; the dough should be soft and a bit moist.

Clean the mixing bowl, lightly oil it, and put dough back in. Cover bowl tightly with plastic wrap, then cover with a towel. Put bowl in a warm (not hot) place.

Leave until dough has doubled in size, about 1 1/2 hours.

Preheat oven to 475 degrees. On bottom shelf of oven, place a heavy-duty baking sheet, large cast-iron pan or ceramic baking tile. Punch down dough and divide into 4 pieces. Roll the piecees into balls, cover with a damp towel, and let rest for 10 minutes.

Remove 1 ball (keeping others covered) and roll to an 8-inch diameter, about 1/8 inch thick, dusting with flour if necessary. Carefully lift the dough circle and place quickly on hot baking sheet. After 2 minutes the dough should be nicely puffed. See below for a very fuzzy visual demonstration.

Turn over with tongs or spatula and bake 1 minute more. The pita should be pale, with only a few brown speckles.

Transfer warm pita to a cloth-lined plate and cover-- this will prevent the bread from drying out. Repeat with the rest of the dough balls.

To serve, sprinkle dukkah dust into a shallow bowl of olive oil and use as a dipping side for the warm pita!

Instructions

First, whisk 1 1/2 tbsp of olive oil, oregano, parsley, red pepper flakes, garlic, and lemon juice. This will be your finishing vinaigrette!

To prep the cheese, remove from brine and cut (if you haven't already) into 1/4 inch thick slices.

Dredge in flour until lightly coated.

In a small cast iron skillet, heat remaining olive oil over high heat. Add cheese and fry until golden brown, about 2 minutes, then flip, using a slotted offset spatula, to fry the other side. Remove from heat, leaving cheese in the pan, and add tomatoes to one side of the pan.

Now it's time to recreate lightning. Fire. Power of God or something. Pour brandy into the pan and, USING A LONG LIGHTER, ignite the alcohol.

Be careful, as there is still some residual fat in the pan and you don't want to light your kitchen on fire.

Pour vinaigrette over the cheese and tomatoes, and serve immediately!

Instructions

Begin with the red jammy filling-- see below for your sunny Ra-esque ingredients.

Roughly chop the fruit, combine with the next five ingredients in a saucepan. Stir and bring to a boil for one minute. Reduce heat to medium low and simmer, covered, for 30 minutes. Stir every so often to prevent the fruit from sticking to the bottom of the pan.

Remove from heat. Using an immersion blender or mini food processor, roughly puree your filling into a more jammy consistency.

Refrigerate until ready to fill your cookies!

The cookie dough is next-- in a medium-sized mixing bowl, beat together the butter and sugar, until light and fluffy.

Add the salt, vanilla, and half of your beaten egg and mix to fully incorporate. Lastly, add flour and zest and mix until a cohesive dough forms.

Form into a disc, wrap it well, and refrigerate it for 1 hour.

Preheat the oven to 375°F and line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

Flour a cutting board lightly, and roll dough into a rectangle approximately 1/8 inch thick. Cut the dough into circles with a 2 1/2 inch round cutter or glass. Then, using a shot glass or knife, cut a smaller circle into half of the cookie rounds, creating a donut shape. Using your finger, lightly brush the exterior of your full circles, and place your donut shaped cookie dough rounds directly on top of the full cirlces (the egg will help seal the two layers together). Drop about a tsp of the jam into the center hole you've created. Then, using your fork, it's time to get creative-- press to create birdlike indents that almost ("almost") look like the birdwings on the actual medallion.

Just go with it, ok?

Bake the not-quite hamantaschen cookies for 12 to 14 minutes, until lightly browned on the bottom and edges. Transfer them to a wire rack to cool; just don't be an idiot and pick them up with your bare hands like that unnamed Nazi dude.