Honey, I Shrunk the Kids– a classic family film that made every child in the 1980’s crave Little Debbie’s. Also the movie that made me realize grown ups should ALWAYS listen to their pets. QUARK KNEW EVERYTHING THE ENTIRE TIME SZALINSKI. Set in an unspecified …
I grew up in Florida. We had a boat. And let me just put it in writing: I DO NOT. GO. IN. THE OCEAN. It is dark, and there are sharks in there. See: Jaws. Oddly though, this film has become a comfort movie for …
Here it is. My (very belated) first post of 2021. And because I took such a long break before coming back to Two Crumbs Up, I said to myself– self, let’s go big. BITE YOUR TEETH INTO THE ASS OF LIFE! And I did, with Big Night— potentially the greatest foodie movie ever made.
The premise of Big Night in a nutshell: Italian brothers Primo and Secondo own a failing restaurant in 1950’s Jersey Shore. Despite the delicious authenticity of their food, they can’t seem to hack it, and are persuaded by a “well-meaning” competitor to host a bank-breaking dinner party for celebrity guest, The Lip Louis Prima. What ensues is, as previously implied, the best on-screen meal I’ve ever seen, complete with an A+++ list of dinner guests: Stanley Tucci (who also co-wrote and co-directed the film), the aforementioned Mr. Shalhoub, Isabella Rossellini, Minnie Driver, Ian Holm. There are more (co-director Campbell Scott, Allison Janney and, random, a mute Marc Anthony), but these first five characters are at the center of a plot filled with a sumptuous balance of ambition, jealousy, integrity, unbreakable fraternal love, and Minnie emerging from a late night ocean swim like a Fellini goddess after being treated like shit by the men in her life.
But I think that’s enough of a tease for now. Especially since– guys, I’m TIRED. Even having (yes I admit it) cheated at times. I’m not Tony Shalhoub’s Primo, and kneading ALL of the pasta required for this meal would’ve been too much for my atrophied spaghetti arms. But I think the below meal is a solid representation of Big Night’s best, most accessible dishes, and I hope you enjoy. Let’s eat!
(PS if you’re wondering what that weird paper cone thing is in the top right corner of my header pic, you gotta get to the amaretti and about 1 hour 24 minutes into the film. It’s worth it, trust me.)
The Movie
The Menu
Martini
Yield: 1 Cocktail
Prep Time: 1 hour
Cook Time: 5 minutes
Total Time: 1 hour5 minutes
A classic cocktail that you can make with either gin or vodka (though I prefer vodka). It's gonna be a long night, so mix up more than one. It'll help calm your nerves and prime the stomach for what's to come. HEY MAMBO!
Ingredients
Ice
2 1/2 shots Vodka (Or gin. I guess.)
1/2 shot Dry Vermouth, plus more for swirlage
BIG Green olive
Instructions
1 hr before serving, place martini glass in the freezer. When ready to serve, add a splash of vermouth to the glass and swirl it around before discarding. Next, fill a cocktail shaker with ice and add vodka + 1/2 shot of vermouth. Shake until well chilled and strain into a martini glass. Garnish with BIGASS olive, with an added splash of olive brine if you like 'em dirty. I have a suspicion that's how Gabriella prefers them...
Garlic & Rosemary Focaccia
Yield: 16 Small Squares
Prep Time: 10 hours
Cook Time: 20 minutes
Total Time: 10 hours20 minutes
My first "cheat" of the post-- a no knead focaccia recipe that nonetheless SHOULD require day ahead prep, if you have the time. But man is this stuff perfect. As Primo says, to eat good food is to be close to God. This focaccia gets you at least halfway there, and is the perfect antispasto appetizer.
Ingredients
3/4 + 1/8 tsp Instant Rapid Rise Yeast
1 tsp Honey
315 g All-Purpose Flour (about 2.25 cups)
1/2 tbsp Kosher Salt
1/2 tbsp Rosemary plus 1/2 tsp, minced
3 tbsp Olive Oil, divided
1 tbsp Salted Butter
Flaky sea salt (preferably Maldon)
2 Garlic Cloves
Instructions
Lightly toss together flour, rosemary, salt, and yeast in a mixing bowl. In a separate measuring cup, mix 1 1/4 cup warm water and honey and stir rapidly to combine.
Pour wet ingredients into bowl of dry ingredients and stir with a rubber spatula. Don't overwork the dough, but mix until everything is incorporated and the sides of the bowl are relatively clean. Get in there with your hands if you feel up to it! You should end up with a rough dough ball.
Pour one tbsp of olive oil over your dough ball and turn once to coat. Cover tightly and regrigerate overnight (though, if you're in a big hurry you can also allow the dough to rise at room temperature for 4 hours-- the focaccia just won't be quite as light and fluffy).
2 hours before cooking, butter an 8x8 pan and add a tbsp of olive oil to the bottom. Remove your dough from the fridge and plop it into the center of your pan.
Take the top of the dough (farthest end from you) and fold it toward you. Do the same with each side of the dough, and finish by wrapping the bottom upwards-- the technique is demonstrated a bit better here. Allow this new focaccia dough package to continue rising in your pan, uncovered and in a warm place, for about 2 hours until doubled in size-- it'll come close to filling the pan.
While you are waiting, combine remaining minced rosemary, 2 cloves of grated garlic, and olive oil. Allow sit at room temperature, letting the flavors marry.
Preheat your oven to 450 and spread your focaccia dough a bit more evenly in the pan. Using all ten fingers, take all of your frustration at culinary philistines out on your focaccia dough, and make DEEP indentations all over the surface. Drizzle with more olive oil, and then brush lightly with rosemary garlic oil. Don't add TOO much, or the rosemary flakes will burn-- see below for the correct dosage.
Bake for 20 minutes, until focaccia crust is a heavenly golden brown. Remove from oven, brush lightly with more rosemary garlic oil, and sprinkle with flaky Maldon salt.
Cut into 16 equal squares (or 12 if you're feeling particulary ambitious), and serve immediately if possible. Focaccia is always best within 2 hours of baking, but if need be, you can always re-toast the next day.
Notes
If you can, ALWAYS weigh your flour with a scale for baking projects. Different flours do not have the same weight, and without grams or ounces you run the risk of compromising texture/rise.
Garganelli in Parmesan Brodo
Yield: 2 Servings
Cook Time: 2 hours
Total Time: 2 hours
The time has come to make it, make it, make it, make the pasta! Garganelli in an umami packed parmesan brodo is my version of Primo's Zuppa course-- and thankfully, the broth can be made ahead.
Ingredients
1 tbsp Olive Oil
1/2 Yellow Onion, Thickly Sliced
1 Head of Garlic, Halved
Handful Parsley
1/2 tbsp. black peppercorns
2-3 Small Bay Leaves
1/3 cup Dry White Wine
8oz Parmesan Rinds
4 cups Water
1/2 Celery Stalk, chopped
1/2 Carrot, chopped
3/4 cup All-Purpose Flour, plus more for dusting
1 Egg, Extra Large
2 Egg Yolks
1/4 tsp Salt
Instructions
Begin with the broth (again, can be made ahead!). Assemble your ingredients below.
Saute your onion and garlic in olive oil until just starting to brown and soften. Add white wine to deglaze the pan, and continue cooking until mostly evaporated.
Next, add peppercorns, bay leaves, parmesan rinds and water. Bring to a boil and reduce heat. Simmer for two hours until all of the parmesan goodness has thickened and flavored your broth. Strain all of the solids out of your broth, and store until almost ready to serve.
About an hour before you're ready to serve your zuppa, start on your garganelli! Don't let the below fool you-- I halved the recipe once I discovered that my paltry little arms did not have the strength to make a full batch of that size. Luckily, I didn't need 2 dozen noodles, so just use the below as a model for what to do. Dump your flour onto a pasta mat or other floured surface, and make a well in the center. Add salt, eggs, and yolks to the well, and mix with a fork to form a slurry.
Then, get in there with your hands and knead your dough until the shaggy mess becomes a flexible and smooth ball. Shape into a disk, add a bit of flour to the surface, and wrap tightly in plastic. Refrigerate for 30-45 minutes.
Flour a pasta mat and roll the dough into a rectangular shape at less than 1/16th inch thick-- you should be able to see through the dough. Cut your rectangle with a pasta or pizza cutter into 1 1/2-2 inch squares.
Using a nifty pasta stripper (product recommendation to follow), roll your squares at an angle, pressing down slightly to seal. You should end up with garganelli shapes like those below.
Flour lightly and place on a parchment paper lined baking sheet. Store wrapped and refrigerated (for no more than a few hours), until you are a couple of minutes away from serving.
15 minutes before serving, bring your broth to a boil and add chopped celery and carrot. Allow those to soften a bit, before adding fresh pasta. Boil the pasta for 2-3 minutes until al dente, and serve your zuppa immediately, topped with roughly chopped parsley.
Both Stanley Tucci and Tony Shalhoub have claimed this Tricolore Risotto is their sleep hitter favorite dish from Big Night. And this I Primi plate is delightful in appearance and taste-- all of the colors of the Italian flag come together in a dish comprised of pesto risotto, creamy parmesan risotto, and seafood risotto.
Just a word of advice , if you ever see risotto on a restaurant menu and expect a side of spaghetti to go with, don't. Primo and I don't care how much you like starch.
Ingredients
2 tbsp Pine Nuts
2 Garlic Cloves, chopped
2 cups Basil, roughly chopped
1 tsp Lemon Juice
1/4 tsp Kosher Salt, + more to taste
1/4 cup Olive Oil
1/4 cup Parmesan plus 1/3 cup, freshly grated and divided
1 1/2 cup Arborio Rice (divided-- you'll see)
1 1/2 tbsp Butter, divided
1 1/2 tbsp Olive Oil, divided
6 tbsp Shallots, chopped and divided
6 tbsp Dry White Wine, divided
2 cups Seafood Broth
4 cups Chicken Broth
1 tbsp Mascarpone
1/3 cup Asiago Cheese
1 tbsp Tomato Paste
Salt and Pepper, to taste
Instructions
First, your pesto (this can be made in advance!). Lightly toast your pine nuts in a non-stick skillet for a couple of minutes-- they will turn a light golden brown and become fragrant, but be careful they don't burn!
Next, in a (mini, if you have one) food processer, combine pine nuts, basil, and garlic and pulse until mostly pureed.
Add parmesan, lemon juice, and olive oil and continue to puree, adding a tsp of water if you like a slightly looser consistency. Add salt and pepper to taste. Set aside.
Next, assemble your ingredients for your tricolore risotto. Three different risottos at once is A LOT, but I tried to make it a bit simpler-- the liquid of the white risotto is the same for the pesto, so feel free to start by combining those two into one larger pan and keeping the seafood risotto with its seafood broth in its own, smaller pan.
Start with 2 tbsp shallots, 1/2 tbsp butter, 1/2 tbsp olive oil in a small pan, and 4 tbsp shallots, 1 tbsp butter, and 1 tbsp olive in a larger pan. Caramelize the shallots until softened, and add 1/2 cup arborio rice to the smaller pan, and 1 cup arborio rice to the larger pan. Toss the rice in the butter, oil, and shallots and allow to cook briefly until the edges of the rice become translucent-- see below.
Next, add two tbsp of white wine to the small pan, and the remaining wine to the large pan-- allow the wine to cook off very briefly, stirring constantly.
Now, the exhausting part. Risotto cannot be allowed to stick to the pan or itself, and its creamy consistency relies on a slow simmer with small additions of liquid, 1/2 a cup at a time, until it becomes tender. So, over the next 45 minutes or so, add seafood stock to the small pan, and chicken broth to the large pan, gradually and while stirring regularly.
When your risotto is creamy and al dente, add 1 tbsp of tomato paste to the smaller pan, and stir to combine. Next, divide the larger portion of risotto into two. Now you should have your pink/orange seafood risotto, a risotto ready for the addition of your green pesto, and a plain risotto ready to be made even more creamy.
Add asiago to your seafood risotto and stir to combine; stir pesto into one batch of plain risotto, and finally add mascarpone and parmesan to the last batch. Serve, lined up on a plate in the order of green, white, and "red". Demarcate your risotto types with fresh sprigs of thyme, and serve!
For reference, see below from Big Night. A pretty close mini-me!
Il Timpano
Yield: 8 Servings
Prep Time: 3 hours
Cook Time: 1 hour30 minutes
Additional Time: 1 hour
Total Time: 5 hours30 minutes
It only took three tries, but I DID IT. I MADE A TIMPANO. Also called a timballo, timpano is explained by Primo to be "PASTA... with a special crust. It's shaped like a drum, like a timpani drum. And inside, all of the most important things in the world"-- ie more pasta, different italian meats, cheeses, and in this instance hard boiled eggs. Which are, suprisingly, delicious in this epic masterpiece of a dish.
While it's still not "God damn it, I should kill you! This is so fucking good I should kill you!" level, the below Timpano recipe is pretty damn good.
So, pun intended, drumroll please...
Ingredients
1 1/2 cups Onion, chopped
3 Garlic Cloves, minced
1 tbsp Olive Oil
1 tbsp Butter
1/4 tsp Roasted Red Pepper Flakes
1/4 tsp Kosher Salt
2 28-oz Cans San Marzano Tomatoes
1/4 cup Tomato Paste
1/3 cup Italian Red Wine
1 15 oz can Tomato Sauce
3 tbsp Minced Basil
1/2 cup Day Old Crustless Bread, torn
2 tbsp Half and Half
3/4 cup Parmesan, grated
1/2 cup Onion, minced
1/3 Parsley Leaves, finely chopped
1 Egg
2 Garlic Cloves, minced
1/4 tsp Red Pepper Flakes
1 tsp Kosher Salt
1/4 tsp Ground Pepper
1/2 lb Ground Beef
1/2 lb Ground Pork
3 oz Pancetta or Bacon, minced
All-purpose flour, for dredging (about 1 cups)
2 tbsp Olive Oil
For Greasing the Dutch Oven: 1 tbsp each Butter and Olive Oil
2 1/4 cup All Purpose Flour (you can trust this ex grams or oz), plus more for dusting
1 1/2 lbs Penne Pasta
More Salt and Olive Oil for Pasta Water
3 Extra Large Eggs
6 Egg Yolks
1 tsp Salt
16 oz Low Moisture Mozzarella, 1/4 inch cube dice
8 oz Parmesan, grated
8 oz Aged Provolone, grated
3-4 oz Pepperoni
5 Eggs, hard boiled and slice lengthwise
Instructions
Begin with your tomato sauce (can be made a day ahead). The below will serve as your base! If you can get them, San Marzano tomatoes are the best-- just slightly sweeter and better quality over all.
Crush your tomatoes as much as possible and set aside.
In a large sauce pot, caramelize your onions in olive oil and butter until softened, adding garlic, salt, and red pepper flakes halfway through.
Add crushed tomatoes, tomato paste, wine, and tomato sauce to the pot and stir until fully incorporated. Allow to simmer for a couple of hours on very low heat while you continue to...
MEATBALLS! These can also be assembled (though not cooked) in advance. Begin by soaking your bread in half and half for five to ten minutes. Separately in a medium bowl, add meats, onion, parmesan, egg, garlic, red pepper flakes, salt, pepper, and chopped parsley. Squeeze the excess half and half from the bread and add wet bread to your bowl-- mix with your hands until just incorporated.
Form into 1 1/2 inch meatballs and dredge in flour. Set on a parchment lined sheet, cover in plastic and refrigerate until ready to cook.
While your sauce simmers and your meatballs set, attack your dough. As mentioned in my garganelli recipe, this is A LOT of dough-- I highly recommend cheating and using a stand mixer.
Add flour, salt, egg yoks, and eggs to a mixing bowl and mix on low speed for about 30 seconds with a paddle attachment until a shaggy dough begins to come together.
Switch to a dough hook, and mix on low speed until your dough comes together into a ball, just a couple more minutes.
On a well floured cutting board, knead your pasta dough for 2-3 more minutes until it becomes smooth and elastic.
Look how pretty! Wrap tightly in plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.
Now it's time to cook your meatballs! Drizzle a bit of olive oil in a non-stick pan and heat on medium high. In batches if need be, fry your meatballs until golden brown on all sides:
When done, add meatballs to your sauce and let those meaty flavors infuse.
Now for your filler pasta! And, I admit, I cheated again. Sure, you could theoretically hand-roll 1.5 lbs of pasta, but it would take forever and honestly-- extruded pastas like penne (which stand up better to weight) are better dried and made entirely from semolina. And, most of my super fancy and authentic Italian cookbooks advise to just purchase from a store. Sooooo just let it go OK???
Heat a big pot of water with plenty of salt and olive oil (about 1 tbsp of each) and bring it to a boil. Boil penne to just UNDER al dente, about 8 minutes-- your penne will finish cooking inside your timpano. Just before straining, reserve 1 cup of pasta water. Once strained, dump pasta into your tomato sauce with meatballs and stir gently with a wooden spoon to fully incorporate.
Now for my Everest-- the giant circle of pasta dough that will be the outer casing for your timpano. On a VERY well floured pasta matt or other large flat surface, roll your refrigerated disc of pasta into a 22-23 inch diameter circle. You should be able to see through it slightly-- try to get it as thin as possible.
Grease a 6 qt dutch oven generously with oil and butter, and flip your pasta dough over so that it lies over the dutch oven. Press down gently so that the dough fits into and lines the inside of the pot-- you want a lot of extra dough draping over the sides.
And now, the time has come to preheat the oven to 375 and FILL YOUR TIMPANO. Be sure to retrieve your meatballs from your tomato sauce before you begin.
Start with a layer of pasta, and top with mozz and grated cheeses.
Then, add meatballs, egg halves, and pepperoni (which I vastly prefer over salami-- I tried it, trust me, the pepperoni is better).
Top that layer with more cheese, and repeat everything over one more time. Then add a final layer of pasta, a thin layer of cheese, and then bring your draped dough up and over the rim of the pan so that it covers your filling completely. Brush the top of your dough generously with olive oil to help seal it closed.
Bake, covered for 1 hour, then remove the cover and continue to bake for 30 minutes more. Remove your timpano when your crust becomes a lovely golden brown.
Allow to rest for at least an hour, lid off. When you are ready to eat, flip the dutch oven onto a cutting board and lift the pot off of your deliciously beautiful work of art.
Cut into that baby (at the table for presentation!) and eat. Again, don't get full, we have a LONG way to go...
Hens Roasted with Cipollini Onions and Balsamic Grapes
Yield: 4 Servings
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 50 minutes
Total Time: 1 hour
Since I couldn't make a suckling pig, and since I didn't really want a whole roasted fish, I went for Primo's roasted hens. When paired with rosemary, cippolini onions and balsamic roasted grapes you have <chef's kiss> quite the I Secundi course.
Ingredients
2 Cornish Hens
1 Lemon, Quartered
4 tbsp Butter, Softened
1 tsp Fresh Rosemary, minced
1 tsp Fresh Thyme, minced
4 Cloves Garlic
2-3 sprigs each Rosemary, Thyme
Olive Oil, Salt, Pepper
1 1/2 cup Cipollini Onions
1 cup Globe Red Grapes
1 tbsp Balsamic Vinegar
Instructions
Pat your hens dry with a paper towel and fold the itty bitty wings under the body-- if you're not sure how to do that, check out my post for Fantastic Mr. Fox! I have a photo how-to and everything.
Soften your butter (either at room temperature over 15-20 minutes, or briefly in the microwave), and mix in minced herbs. Next, set your hens in an oiled glass or ceramic baking dish, and stuff each with two lemon quarters and two garlic cloves.
Rub your herb butter under the breast skin of your hens, and surround your birds with cipolinni onions, rosemary and thyme springs. Drizzle with a healthy glug of olive oil and sprinkle with a tsp or so of salt and pepper.
Bake at 375 for 35-40 mins.
In the meantime, toss your grapes in a little olive oil and balsamic vinegar. At about the 35 minute mark, before your birds are done baking, throw your grapes into the baking dish. They will have JUST enough time to develope a lovely blister.
Remove your hens from the oven at about 50 minutes total, when the thickest part of the breast registers 165 and your skin is a nice and crisp golden brown. Serve whole or halved, depending on the intestinal capacity of you and your guests.
Roasted Asparagus with Stuffed Tomatoes Provencal
Yield: 2-4 Servings
Prep Time: 30 minutes
Cook Time: 20 minutes
Total Time: 50 minutes
Who knew there would be room for sides? While watching Big Night I clocked grapes and onions (check, done), these items, and some other sides that looked delicious but were a bit carby. So, I went with these somewhat lighter options.
Don't worry, there's still oil, bread and cheese included.
Ingredients
3 Roma Tomatoes
3/4 cups Panko Bread Crumbs
2 tbsp Shallots, minced
2 tbsp Fresh Basil, minced
1 tbsp Fresh Parsley, minced
1 tsp Garlic, minced
1/4 tsp Fresh Thyme Leaves
1/4 cup Finely Grated Parmesan
Salt, Pepper, Olive Oil
1 Bunch Asparagus (Let's say 16-18 stalks)
More Salt, Pepper, Olive Oil
1/2 Lemon, Thickly Sliced
Instructions
Since they are slightly more labor intensive, begin by prepping your tomatoes. Slice your romas in half lengthwise, removing the inner seeds as thoroughly as possible (see the bottom tomatoes in the below pic).
Combine shallots, cheese, garlic, chopped parsley, and breadcrumbs in a small bowl, and sprinkle your tomato halves with salt and pepper. Stuff your tomatoes with your bread mixture, and place onto an aluminum foil lined baking dish. Drizzle generously with olive oil. Note: at this point I switched from martinis to red wine because there was a very real danger of drunkendly dropping my timpano on the kitchen floor.
To prep your asparagus, first snap off the tougher end of the asparagus spear-- it should break naturally if you bend from the end with one hand and about 4 inches from the end with the other.
Space your asparagus out on another aluminum lined banking sheet, drizzling with olive oil and sprinkling lightly with a pinch of salt and pepper each.
About 20 minutes before eating, preheat your oven to 400. Bake tomatoes first for 15 minutes, and put asparagus in when you have 6-7 minutes remaining.
Serve asparagus with a squeeze of fresh lemon, and tomatoes with basil garnish, on individual plates or a single dish (the latter is preferred if you happen to be taking photos of all your Big Night dishes in one go and are struggling to fit everything into frame).
Wish Upon An Amaretti
Yield: 8 Cookies
Prep Time: 1 hour
Cook Time: 20 minutes
Total Time: 1 hour20 minutes
WE MADE IT! It's that time of the night when you and your dinner guests have lapsed into a food-and-martini/wine induced catatonia and the only thing left is I Dolci-- in this instance, some incredibly light and sweet amaretti cookies. If you can find some flying wish paper to help round out your dessert experience, I highly recommend it.
Buona sera all! It's time to say good night to Napoli.
Ingredients
3/4 cups Almond Flour
1/4 cup Granulated Sugar, + 1/8 cup for dusting
Pinch Kosher salt
1 egg white (reserve yolk, see below)
1/4 teaspoon almond extract
1/4 tsp lemon zest
1/8 cup powdered sugar
Instructions
In a small bowl, combine almond flour, 1/4 cup granulated sugar, lemon zest and salt. In a bigger bowl, combine egg whites and almond extract. Using a hand beater, beat the egg whites until stiff peaks form.
Then, add your flour mixture to your egg whites. Stir gently until dough comes together. Form dough into a disk, wrap tightly in plastic and refrigerate for 1 hour.
Meanwhile, preheat your oven to 325, and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Next, prep your rolling sugars—sprinkle powdered sugar on one plate and remaining 1/8 cup granulated sugar on the other.
Remove your cookie dough from the fridge and scoop out 1-inch dough balls. As you go, coat each ball first in granulated sugar, then in powdered sugar.
Place each cookie dough ball on the parchment lined baking sheet, pressing gently down on each to flatten slightly. You should end up with 8 cookies.
Bake for 20 minutes, until cookies begin to crack but are still slightly soft. Remove from your oven and allow to cool in the pan.
Now, for your flying wish (or joss) paper! What was originally a product of Asian tradition representing "spirit money", now these whimsical papers can carry a written wish to the heavens. I think both are appropriate intents for Big Night. And anyway I really do like lighting stuff on fire.
Link to the flying wish paper I found on Amazon is below.
Like Primo and Secondo, sometimes all I want after an intense night of cooking is some god damn scramby eggs. And if you made it through all of the above with me, you’ll have loads of egg whites to work with– scramble with a drizzle of olive oil in a pan, toss in a bit of leftover cheese, and serve with some light greens, coffee, a lovely baguette, and some quiet time.
The recent heat wave had me craving beachy/oceany movies and something cool and fresh to consume. Enter Moana, my favorite of the more recent Disney films. Sure, in some ways Moana follows the Disney Princess Formula–sheltered yet adventurous young girl journeys out into the world …