Better Off Dead

Instructions

See ingredients below:

Begin by juicing your lemons. Note, you can do this via traditional methods, OR you can throw them against neighborhood street signs ala Monique. Get's the justified angst out.

Once juiced, mix with syrup, club soda, and gin and transfer to a metal 13 x 9-inch baking pan. Freeze for 4 hours, and rake with a fork to fluff into a granita/snowy texture. Refreeze, and serve...

...I advise APRES ski. Otherwise you wouldn't be able to SKI ON ONE SKI, let alone follow along detailed and technically sound instructions like: "Go that way, really fast" and "If something gets in your way, turn."

Instructions

In a nonstick or cast iron pan/griddle, fry up four slices of bacon. For burgers I prefer to layer two bacon "circles" on each burger, but the team at SeriousEats can give you the pros and cons of various bacon shapes.

While your bacon is crisping, cut your remaining two slices into eety beety pieces and toss them in with your ground pork, salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Then, lay out all the rest of your ingredients in anticipation...

Lightly butter your hamburger buns and toast on a greased griddle-- you can throw the onion on with!

When buns have toasted, remove from the griddle and flip your onion-- continue to cook IT for another couple of minutes until softened slighly. Set aside.

Now time for your burgers-- pat your ground pork and bacon into patties the diameter of your buns (they should be about an inch thick) and make a shallow dent in the middle of each. Place on a medium high griddle and cook, undisturbed, for about 5 minutes. Flip, place a slice of cheese on top, and continue to sizzle, for another 4-5 minutes-- your cheese should get gooey melty.

Time to layer! Spread mayo on your buns, then proceed in this order: cheese covered pattie, two bacon circles, tomato slice, softened onion slices, butter lettuce.

EVERYBODY WANTS SOOOOOME!!!!!!!!!

Instructions

Start by peeling and cutting your potatoes into 1/2 inch thick strips-- submerge in cold water as you prep to avoid potatoes turning brown.

Add vinegar, salt, 2 qts of water and potatoes to a large stock pot and bring to a boil-- cook for 10 minutes until tender, but not completely falling apart. Remove from heat with a strainer and lay out on paper towels. Allow to come to room temperature.

While you wait, heat oil in the same pot to roughly 380 degrees (I use a candy thermometer to make sure I've got the right temp). When you're ready to fry separate your potatoes into four batches and fry each for 1 minute. Temperature will fluctuate as you add and remove batches, so play with your gauge and wait between batches to make sure you stay at around 380. A word of advice-- do NOT try for less than four batches. Your oil could boil over and cause a grease fire and those are never, I repeat NEVER, fun.

Drain each batch on paper towels, and allow to come to room temperature. Let sit for 30 minutes.

While your taters is resting, you can whisk together your FRONCH dressing. Add all your ingredients to a small blender or processor and puree until smooth. Refrigerate until ready to serve.

And now back to your taters-- bring your oil back up to frying temp (this should take about 5 minutes), and fry your batches again, this time about 3 minutes per batch. You're looking for a golden brown color. Remove each batch from the hot oil with a mesh strainer and drain on paper towels. Sprinkle immediately with salt and dip (but not slurp, Ricky) into your creamy FRONCH dressing.

... maybe next time, calamari?

Instructions

Ok really this is a pistachio pudding with a rum raisin and pistachio garnish. It's delicious, not sentient (I don't think), and It's not that many ingredients, look!

Begin by soaking your raisins and rum and set aside to marinate. Cover tightly and set aside.

Grind your pistachios in your food processor until they are as finely ground as possible, about 3-4 minutes. Add half of your sugar and 1 tablespoon milk and pulse until a paste forms.

Combine the paste with the remaining milk in a large saucepan and cook over medium heat, whisking to break up any clumps, until the mixture begins to steam. While the milk is heating, go back to your food processor and add the remaining sugar with the egg, yolks, cornstarch, and salt-- process until combined. With the food processor still running, slowly add ½ cup of the warm milk mixture into the mixture to temper the eggs (if you skip this and add eggs to your steaming liquid, you'll end up with bits of scramby eggs. Add the contents of the food processor back to your saucepan and whisk in with remaing milk mixture. Cook, stirring constantly, until the pudding begins to thicken.

At this point, I HIGHLY recommend returning the mix back to your food processor, or using an immersion blender, just to make sure the pistachio bits are as smoothed out as possible. This done, add the butter and vanilla, and stir until the butter is melted.

Cover with plastic wrap pressed directly against the surface of the puddings to prevent a skin from forming. Chill for at least 2 hours to allow your puddings to fully set.

When ready to serve, pour into pudding bowls/cups and top off with chopped rum raisins and your extra pistachios.

Eat quickly, before it skidaddles.