Grumpy Old Men
Grumpy Old Men– the perfect movie to help you transition from Thanksgiving turkey time to whatever December holiday you choose to celebrate. The sixth of ten films in which great friends Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau costarred, Grumpy Old Men is set in the freezing cold of 1990’s Minnesota. Snow and ice and puffy jackets are everywhere, and since I spend most of my holiday season with family in balmy Florida (actually “having a heat waaaaaaaave”), I like to use this movie to live vicariously.
Let’s talk a little about the plot. Lemmon and Matthau play two aging frenemies (with possibly more emphasis on the “enemies” part) putz John Gustafson and moron Max Goldman. Both men live to ice fish and drive each other nuts, and it seems they are relatively comfortable with this routine. Enter Ariel (played by the legendary Ann Margaret)– a mysterious Titian beauty who moves in next door and exudes vitality. Frenemy tension increases as grumpy old men John and Max vie for Ariel’s affection, and naturally the quips and pranks increase proportionally.
But let’s be real, some of the best comedic moments come from Grandpa Gustafson. If you’ve seen the movie, you know what I mean.
Ok! Time for a Grumpy Old Men themed brunch menu– relatively easy for grumpy old bachelors looking to impress the ladies and still with enough leftover to snack on while fishing. Note, I did not myself retrieve the salmon from a Minnesota lake, but my commitment to authenticity can only go so far. Can’t find friggin’ Walleye Bass ANYWHERE. Plus, I don’t have The Green Hornet. If you don’t like it, you can pull your lip over your head and swallow.
The Movie
The Menu
For when it's butt cold and you're fresh out of beer! Nothing better to keep the chill off than a whiskey shot. This mini-cocktail is as bitter as John and Max-- and the beer chaser is for Gramps. Pour whiskey, vermouth, campari and bitters into two shot glasses. Add a lemon curl/worm via bait hook, and serve up with some beer-- I went with Michelob Gold, which happens to be on tap at the legendary Slippery's in Wabasha. Poached eggs and lox are delicious but let's face it they're for fancy pants putzes. Why not go with a creamy scrambly and a super easy "smoked" lakefish (in this case, Coho Salmon, relatively easy to find). Top off with some dill for a Scandinavian twist that is oh so Minnesota and perfect for a morning after brunch, oh ya you betcha. For those of you who do not have smokers, this recipe is a wonderful smoked salmon trick. The key ingredient-- liquid smoke. Yes, I know it's cheating, but it works. No smelly fishy fish here! Place salmon on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper, and pat dry. Sprinkle all other ingredients over the filet and rub gently to ensure marinade is fully incorporate. Wrap in plastic, and refrigerate for 1-2 hours. Preheat your oven to 350. Remove salmon from the refrigerator and pat dry. Bake for 12-15 minutes until fish is opaque. Using a fork, gently pull the fish apart into bite-sized flakes. Cover and set aside. Time for your eggs! In a medium sized bowl, whisk eggs, warm cream cheese, half and half, salt and pepper-- don't overmix, it's totally fine to have some clumps of cream cheese floating about, these will turn into pockets of cheesy delicious gooeyness as the eggs cook. In a medium skillet, heat butter (or leftover bacon grease from the next recipe) over medium heat. Pour your egg mix into the skillet and allow to rest as the bottom just begins to set-- about 30 seconds. Using a spatula, gently begin to disturb your egg yolks. Don't go crazy with the stirring, moron, you want soft and creamy clumps! Reduce heat if necessary to prevent the eggs from overcooking. Just before eggs finish cooking, add salmon flakes to the skillet and gently stir to warm each succulent piece. To serve, top with torn dill, chives, and if your heart can still stand it after my next dish, some hot sauce. As mentioned, I went with a Coho salmon filet because it's found in Minnesota lakes-- alternatively you could get a King salmon, or even another variey, but I like to be ACCURATE. With old age comes heart attacks and ulcers that make you fart razor blades. I'm pretty sure Spam doesn't help, but it is a unique (fatty, very salty) Minnesota treat that John, specifically, seems to enjoy. I don't know what's in this stuff, but I figure anything is good wrapped in bacon and drizzled with a sweet Sichuan chili mustard glaze. Give it a try-- after all, the only thing in life, that you regret, are the risks that you don't take. Before you do anything-- soak your toothpicks! You will be baking them in the oven, and if they are not pre-soaked they will burn beyond use. Next, cut your bacon slices in half cross-ways, leaving you with 8 pieces. Add them to a skillet, and place over medium heat. Before bacon gets beyond a pale brown, flip, and cook about halfway-- you don't want to fully cook your bacon as it will need to spend the remainder of its short existence in the oven. When your bacon reaches a pale brown color, remove it from the pan and drain on a few paper towels. Preheat your oven to 400, and assemble your remaining ingredients-- if you haven't already, cut the specified amount of Spam into equal cubes and save the rest for... I don't know what... later. Mix your honey, syrup, and chile oil and set aside. Wrap each of the Spam cubes in a single bacon slice, fastening with a toothpick. Bake for 10 minutes. Remove from oven and drizzle with the spicy mustard glaze. Return to oven and continue baking for another 10 minutes until bacon is fully crisp. Allow to cool slightly, and consume, keeping your tums handy. If anyone is curious, the Spam website is prolific with featuring their product. But also so are the Serious Eats and Bon Appetit websites, so you know there's something to this sodium-packed, fatty almost gelatinized meat product. Despite all the old men talking about mounting and laying pipe, this movie is at its core a ROMANTIC comedy. Here's a crunchy winter salad for Max's son Jacob, who just can't be any adorably dorkier when asking John's daughter Maureen to kiss him under a "broccoli mistletoe". Hooooly Moly. First, whisk together oil, vinegar, syrup, and dijon until emulsified. Then, assemble the rest of your ingredients: Next, toast your almonds in a skillet over medium heat-- you should be able to hear them sizzle a bit and pop, but be careful not to burn! All in this should not take more than a minute or two. Mix your ingredients together and set aside to marinate for at least an hour-- the vinaigrette will need a bit of time to break down and soften the tough broccoli a bit. Oy what a relationship metaphor.
Bitter Old Pal Shot (and a beer chaser)
Ingredients
Instructions
Lake Salmon and Cream Cheese Scrambly Eggs
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Instructions
Notes
Heart Attack on a Stick
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Instructions
Notes
Broccoli "Mistletoe" Crunch
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Instructions
Epilogue
You guys, the bloopers for Grumpy Old Men are almost as funny as (if not more than) the movie itself. Here you go. You’re welcome.
On to Grumpier Old Men…
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!