Home Alone
From the opening music credits, Home Alone brings us all back to simpler times– when mansions in Chicago suburbs were affordable, when we were all afraid of basement demons and hated our dickhead Uncle Frank, and when ten pizzas only cost $122.50. Now of course we live in current times, and it’s all I can do not to run outside on Christmas Eve and scream at the top of my lungs I’M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE.
Except I’m very full of a lovely cheese pizza just for me, and this year I’ve added quite a bit more dairy– hard pass on any physical activity until the new year.
I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who hasn’t seen John Hughes’s Home Alone, so I dunno that I’ll bother to summate here. What I will say is that this is, hands down, the best Christmas movie ever made. It just is. Come at me with your It’s a Wonderful Life-s and your Christmas Story-s and your Christmas Vacation-s– you’re WRONG OK. Home Alone has the soundtrack, the humor, the poignancy, and the food. Hence why it has always been a staple for my family during the holidays, and why Christmas is never complete without this, perfect, scream.
PS fuck you Buzz, you don’t deserve your spider.
Special shout out to John Candy (who did one day of filming as a favor to Hughes) and John Heard, both of whom have since very sadly passed on. The fam can never get through the movie without singing “Polka Poooolka, Polka Pooolkaaaa” or commenting on Heard’s final twitch of the lip when he finds Joe Pesci’s gold tooth.
So here is what I hope is a satisfactory menu for all the Home Alone fans out there. Lactose intolerants– this is it, don’t get scared now.
The Movie
The Menu
Based on Liquor.com's Rye Bandit, this riff features a quintessentially Home Alone cocktail base-- a lot of Pepsi. Just whatever you do, don't wet the bed Fuller. Add all liquid ingredients to a cocktail glass filled with ice, and garnish with a cherry. If you know anything about Chicago food, you probably know about Garrett popcorn. This shit is ADDICTIVE-- and now of course I have a homemade recipe that will do nothing to help my rapidly expanding waist line. WORTH IT. Gather together your ingredients-- we'll start with the caramel corn. Preheat the oven to 200 degrees, and toss the popcorn onto a parchment lined baking sheet. Next, combine the brown sugar, corn syrup, and butter in a saucepan-- bring to a boil over medium heat and stir constantly until the sugar is completely dissolved (about 3 minutes). Remove from heat and stir in baking soda and vanilla. The mixture will boil rapidly like a true caramel. Now onto your much easier and less time consuming cheddar popcorn. Melt the butter in a saucepan and whisk in cheese powder and mustard. Immediatley pour over popcorn (also on a parchment lined baking sheet) and toss to coat evenly. No additional salt needed-- the salt would just turn into bodies.. into mummies........ When ready to serve, mix everything together and enjoy-- preferably airborn. Everyone knows Little Nero's pizza is ACTUALLY inspired by Little Caesar's-- and for a while a hot and ready was what we ordered on Christmas Eve. This recipe is superior, especially given that Little Caesar's no longer uses cornmeal in their crust (for shame). Enjoy, and don't feel obligated to share with friends OR family. Preheat your oven to its highest temperature (in my case, that's 500 degrees)-- make sure a pizza stone or upside down baking pan is sitting in the oven as it preheats, for at least an hour. Scatter cornmeal onto a peice of parchment paper and, using olive oiled fingers, press the edges of the dough ball outward to form a roughly 10 inch circle. Your slightly raised crust border should only be about 1/2 inch thick (it will expand as it cooks. Brush crust with 1 tbsp olive oil and spread evenly with pizza sauce. Mix two cheeses and spread over sauced pizza. Bake for 12-13 minutes until crust starts to brown and cheese is melty. Cut into 8 slices, lay it on the doorstep, and get the hell outta here. I had to have SOME vegetables, Jesus. Start by blanching your broccoli in a saucepan of salted water-- this should take no more than 2 minutes if you're looking to retain a little crunch. Drain and place on paper towels to dry. Gather your other ingredients! Boil macaroni in salted water until al dente, 8-10 mins. While you wait, whisk together the evaporated milk, egg, and hot sauce in a bowl until homogeneous. Toss the cheeses with the cornstarch and dried mustard in a large bowl until thoroughly combined. When pasta is done, drain into a collander and return it to the saucepan. Add the butter and stir until melted. Add the milk mixture and cheese mixture and cook, stirring constantly, until the cheese is completely melted and the mixture is hot and gooey. Toss in the broccoli until everything is fully coated in cheese sauce, and season to taste with salt and more hot sauce. Serve hot, and for gods sake make sure you have enough time to actually eat it. The final nail in the intestinal coffin for any dairy sensative stomach-- I give you a giant neopolitan sundae covered with marshmallows, crushed candy canes, chocolate, and a lot of cherries on top. Layer your three flavors of ice cream in a bigass sundae bowl and top with remaining ingredients. Serve with one bigass spoon.
Wet Bandit Cocktails
Ingredients
Instructions
Copycat Garrett Popcorn Mix
Ingredients
Caramel Corn
Cheddar Corn
Instructions
Immediately pour over the popcorn and toss to coat as best you can-- it's ok if the popcorn isn't evenly covered, the heat from the oven will help. Bake for 45 minutes total, tossing every fifteen minutes for more even caramel coverage. When the caramel corn comes out of the oven, separate the pieces as much as you can before it cools completely.
A Lovely Cheese Pizza Just for Me
Ingredients
Instructions
Bless this highly nutritious "microwavable" macaroni and cheese
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Instructions
Junk and Rubbish Sundae
Ingredients
Instructions
Epilogue
Coming in hot and ready with a controversial opinion– Home Alone 2 isn’t that good. Yep, I said it.
Merry Christmas!
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!