Forrest Gump
30 years after its release (omg I’m OLD), Forrest Gump still holds up. Parts may not necessarily be as PC as they were once thought to be, but it’s still an A+ film that deserved all six of its Academy Award wins. That doesn’t even …
30 years after its release (omg I’m OLD), Forrest Gump still holds up. Parts may not necessarily be as PC as they were once thought to be, but it’s still an A+ film that deserved all six of its Academy Award wins. That doesn’t even …
1990’s Mermaids is the perfect movie for Mother’s Day– or, alternatively, any mothers/daughters out there who live for driving each other nuts no matter what day it is. Fair warning though, you’re likely to relive some excruciatingly embarrassing moments from your youth as you watch.
Set in the early 1960’s, Mermaids follows single mom Ms. Rachel Flax (Cher) and her two daughters Charlotte (Winona Ryder) and the friggin’ ADORABLE Kate (Christina Ricci) as they relocate to a charing New England town. This seems to be standard practice for promiscuous Ms. Flax, who defines death as “dwelling on the past or staying in one place too long!” Charlotte, by contrast, is obsessed with Catholicism (despite her Jewish heritage) and yearns for some semblance of stability as she makes her way through the awkwardness that is high school. And Kate– well she just really likes to swim.
Enter a couple of new men to shake things up for the Flax ladies, in the form of sassy shoe store owner Lou (Bob Hoskins) and the beautiful handyman Joe (Michael Schoeffling aka Jake Ryan) who lives in a convent next door. Torn between her delusional commitment to Jesus and her attraction Joe’s quiet hunky-ness, Charlotte Flax is constantly in flux– not to mention at constant war with her shifty, clever, sexy AF mother.
HIT ME Saaaaargent! Here's a perfectly fizzy and dangerously sweet cocktail with just enough OOMPH to either get you real calm, or to behave like a woman about to go forth in sin. Pour all the ingredients over ice, stir, and try not to get sloppy (KATE). The first of several finger foods, and one that Ms. Flax specializes in-- plus some goldfish for Olympian hopeful Kate. Gather all your cheese ball ingredients (ie the first 11 items in the above list). Once fully mixed, refrigerate for at least 30 minutes. Scoop 2 heaping tbsps of your cheese ball mix at a time and roll into balls. Pulverize a couple of handfuls of goldfish crackers, leveraging any and all mother-daughter angst you might be harboring-- you can use a mini food processor or your bare hands. Add to a small bowl and toss with your reserved cheeses and parsley-- roll your cheeseballs in this mix until they are fully coated. Stick a pretzel into the top of each ball to facilitate "pick-me-up" status, and tie a piece of chive where the pretzel meets the ball into a pretty little bow for presentation. And, just for Kate, stick a whole goldfish cracker into the side of each ball. Definitely not Kosher.. but the everything bagel crust and cream cheese gets us closer to Ms. Flax's pre-coital snack tray for Lou! I opted out of the little American flag toothpicks... Preheat oven to 425°F, and line a cookie sheet with parchment paper. Cut your puff pastry into squares the length of your lil smokie sausages, and wide enough to wrap around them (they should just barely peek out of the ends). Place a tiny dollip of cream cheese on each puff pastry rectangle, followed by a ploop of mustard. Roll your sausages in each puff pastry rectangle. Place each mini dog seam side down onto the baking sheet at least once inch apart. Beat your egg thoroughly and brush over the top of each pig in the blanket. Then sprinkle each with a bit of the everything bagel seasoning blend, pressing ever so slightly to make sure the bits stick. Bake for about 17 minutes, or until pastry is puffed and golden brown. Serve immediately. The pigs in a blanket can be pre-assembled and refrigerated the night before serving-- I'd just avoid the egg wash and everything topping, as the piggies can start to get soggy. Charlotte laboring over manly sammies to impress Joe and her mother ruining them with a cookie cutter is so pathetic and adorable... That said, I couldn't commit to bologna and American cheese. It was just too... ick. So ham and "holy" (pun alert) swiss it is. Using a star shaped cookie cutter, cut your sammich bread, ham, and cheese into fun shapes-- I recommend doing these separately so as to not waste the sammich borders (use the bread for panzanella later or something!). Mix your mayo and mustard for your sammich schmear and assemble! Top off with a cocktail olive if you prefer-- just make sure they're sans pimentos (they give Kate hermias. ahem hives). Ms. Flax's Marshmallow Kebabs, but with slightly more nutritional value. And, with a touch of mermaid essence. Mix your water and food coloring thoroughly in a mixing bowl or glass. Place your marshmallows into the color bath and allow to sit for a while, rotating every few minutes until even coloring is achieved. While you wait, line a baking sheet with wax paper. Use this to dry your mallows, patting them halfway through to create a glitter/speckle effect. Allow for several hours or up to overnight to dry. In the morning they will be sticky, so use a clean basting brush to dust them with corn starch. When you're ready to serve "dinner", peel and cut your kiwis into chunks. Using appetizer forks, alternate mallows and blueberries and kiwi chunks. The more you can fit on a stick the better! Vitamins..."You Give Me Fever" Cocktail
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Goldfish Cheeseball Pick-Me-Ups
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Mini-Franks in Everything Bagel Pastry
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Real Sandwiches a Man Can Sink His Teeth Into
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Mermaid Marshmallow Kebabs
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The only epilogue this movie could or should ever have:
The hairdo’s alone..
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Hocus Pocus– what a goofy ass time. Is it deserving of critical acclaim? No. But it’s a Halloween staple that everyone loves so much Disney just released a sequel 29 years later. And Sarah is STILL REALLY FUNNY! Both Hocus Pocus 1 & 2 star …
Ok, so Temple of Doom isn’t the best of the Indiana Jones films, but it’s certainly not the worst. This assumes you even consider Crystal Skull to be part of the franchise, however; I myself am still pretending it was never made. Technically a PREQUEL …
The Breakfast Club– a perfect back-to-school time movie and perhaps the most famous in the John Hughes coming of age oeuvre. Sure, a case could be made for Ferris Bueller, and I do love me some Uncle Buck, but The Breakfast Club is the movie in which five of the eight core Brat Pack members exemplified a certain set of 1980’s identities– or, alternatively, where they demonstrated that those identities are actually not as inextricably separated as angsty teens might think. After all, we’re all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that’s all.
Set in Hughes’s oft used but fictional Chicago suburb, Shermer Illinois, The Breakfast Club begins with visuals of empty school hallways that have always made for uncomfortable flashbacks. It’s a Saturday, and each of the film’s protagonists arrive one by one for detention– there’s the “brain” Brian (Anthony Michael Hall), the “athlete” Andrew (Emilio Estevez), the “basket case” Allison (Ally Sheedy), the “princess” Claire (Molly Ringwald), and the “criminal” John (Judd Nelson). Stuck in a library and instructed by the tyrant Vice Principal Richard “Dick” Vernon to capture their identities in 1000 words, these five teens inevitably clash, break a bunch of rules, and have “profound” conversations about peer and parental pressure, why life generally sucks, and how when you grow up your heart dies. And then hey presto– turns out they all have some key things in common.
It sounds a little trite now, but at the time The Breakfast Club was one of the first cinematic attempts to portray adolescence in a way that was relatable to actual adolescents, not to mention the adults that couldn’t (or wouldn’t) understand them. And, the performances (particularly Judd Nelson’s) are legit wonderful. Now, I do not condone the homophobic slurs and references to impregnating the prom queen. Despite John Hughes being an insightful writer/director, there are some VERY cringeworthy moments in his collection of teen films (I can’t even watch Sixteen Candles anymore). That said, The Breakfast Club is one of those decade defining films that otherwise holds up.
One of the best scenes in this 1980’s classic is, conveniently for this blog, the lunch scene. Food becomes one of the many indicators of each Brat Pack personality type, and in several instances the audience is meant to cringe as much as the characters on screen. With the following movie menu I’ve attempted what I think are slightly more delicious versions of each lunch, with a common through line that you may or may not recognize– but maybe more importantly, every component of this Breakfast Club school brunch/lunch is relatively portable and ok to be stored at room temperature for a couple of hours.
Because who the hell brings raw fish to an unrefrigerated environment around other people CLAIRE??
Because despite Allison's alleged predilection for vodka, obviously bad boy John deserves a character based brunch cocktail the most. ESPECIALLY one that celebrates a mental and emotional victory over "don't mess with the bull" Dick Vernon. In a perfect world, someone would step in and fuck that bull up. Plus, Bender is the only one who doesn't come with a lunch, and while a boozy beverage might not seem like a great idea for a teenager, at lease this one has nutritional heft? Vegetables! So smoke up Johnny! Being bad DOES feel pretty good... Start by grilling your cherry tomatoes-- spray with a bit of oil, and sear on a hot griddle pan. The tomatoes should just begin to burst when they're ready. Set aside (or store in an air tight container). Mix the next 9 ingredients in a glass or cocktail shaker. Then, using a cocktail smoker (see note) smoke your mix within the container. At this point, you could store for future consumption-- but if you're ready to indulge, pour into an ice filled glass and top with charred tomatoes. So good, you'll be all: If you don't have a cocktail smoker, you can always set some wood chips on a fire proof dish/pan and light them until smoking-- invert your glass over the smoke and allow it to permeate the inside. Flip the glass and immediately pour your cocktail ingredients into the residual smoke. It won't be as strong as with a cocktail smoker, but you'll still get a delightful hint of smoke. But advocating for the purchase, cause cocktail smoker guns are actually pretty cheap! Here it is, a sandwich so big it'll leave you totally totaled. Unless of course you blaze up beforehand and then it's just the right amount of fuel for a manic parkour sesh in a large room. Though Andrew's enormous lunch featured what looked like a plain old turkey on white, I went with a recipe inspired by one of the better sandwiches I've had at Chicago's own Publican Quality Meats. And then added some bacon and firm fried eggs for the brekkie club element. Honestly, chef's kiss. ...But also I still really wanna know what the hell kind of strain Bender's dope was to cause that kind of reaction... Begin with the avocado aioli. Add avocado, yogurt, mayo, garlic powder, lemon juice, olive oil, and a pinch of salt to a small food processor-- blend until fully smooth. Cover tightly and refrigerate until ready to assemble sammies. For your sandwich innards, begin by frying your bacon, laying slices on paper towels to drain when finished. Lightly wipe the pan free of bacon bits, keeping a bit of oil in the pan. Over medium heat, fry eggs about 3-4 mins per side-- you want the insides to be firm, but still slightly jammy. You could of course go for the full egg porn yolky-ness, but it doesn't transport so well... Toast your bread slices lightly and cut in half at a diagonal. To assemble your breakfast clubs, layer as follows: avocado aioli, turkey, peppers, bacon, egg, lettuce, cheese. Then, repeat, creating a double decker sandwich. Cut in half at an angle, and stack. Then, eat. it. all. Gotta get all those nutrients in if you don't wanna BLOW YOUR RIDE SON. But seriously-- raw fish and seaweed at room temp for hours Claire??? I love sushi, don't get me wrong, but I also hate people who are olfactory-ly selfish in a group setting. So, here is an alternative, sushi-esque side of all veggies with a tart and sweet ginger dressing. Nutritious, delicious, and still appropriately snobby. Start with your ginger sesame dressing-- in a small food processor, combine peanut oil, sesame oil, chili oil, vinegar, miso, carrot, ginger and honey. Puree till as smooth as possible (see below). Cut cucumber into four chunks about 3 inches long. Hollow out the seeds to create a hollow center. Next, slice your bell pepper, radish, and avocado into long strips. Using a chopstick to help, line the inside of the cucumber lengthwise with bell pepper, followed by radish and avocado-- fill the rest of the gap in with sushi rice, pressing down for a tight pack. Slice each cucumber segment into 3 pieces, and serve with ginger miso dressing topped with sesame seeds. Poor Brian-- a whizz in the math club, uh, the Latin, and the physi... physics club. Who needs friggin' lamps or a sex life when you can have PB&(cherry)J sans crust? Line a baking pan with parchment paper and place about 6 small dollops (about 1 tsp each) of cherry jelly onto the parchment paper. Place in the freezer for about an hour to allow the jelly firm up. In the meantime, mix cherries, oats, flax seeds, honey, peanut butter, vanilla extract, and salt until combined. Using your hand scoop out some of the dough and flatten into a disk shape. Then, place a dollop of frozen jelly in the center of each disk. Fold up the edges sealing the jam in the center, then roll between your hands to form a ball. Like the other kids, I found Allison's butter, cereal, and pixy stix sandwich to be the most... .... But I was always curious. Curious enough to try it? ...nah. That said, the ingredients had promise, and turns out you can make a bad-ass rice krispy style treat with enough sugar to keep you awake through all eight hours of detention. HA! Get all your cereal treat ingredients together and remember to play all the games on the back of the captain crunch box. Melt the butter and marshmallows, stirring frequently, until almost entirely smooth. Mix in your cereal and stir to combine. Add to a buttered 9x9 baking pan and press into the square shape. Refrigerate for an hour. Meanwhile, mix confectioners sugar, coke, corn syrup, cocoa powder and pixy stick in a small bowl. Whisk until smooth. When cereal treats have set, remove from baking pan and drizzle with coca cola pixy stick icing. Cut into 9 squares and serve-- alternatively, if you store in your hoarder bag with all your other shit, a ziploc is recommended (sticky). A Smoked Bloody Bull for John
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Recommended Products
A "Breakfast Club" for Andrew
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"Sushi" for Claire
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PBJ, No Crusts, for Brian
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When ready to serve, sprinkle with minced peanuts! Isn't life swell? A Sugary Treat for Allison
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I haven’t even mentioned The Breakfast Club soundtrack yet! And I highly recommend you listen while you cook– it’s one of the best.
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!
It’s like. Duh. One of the best 90’s movies EVER. It’s also way smarter than you might think. Starring Mira Sorvino and Lisa Kudrow, Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion is a comedic alternative to Thelma & Louise and a wonderfully lighthearted balm for anyone (and …
This past weekend was the 40th anniversary of the beginning of the Indiana Jones trilogy, Raiders of the Lost Ark! (We do not acknowledge any subsequent Indy productions on this blog– they are blasphemous and shameful.) I have too many thoughts on this, one of …
Here it is: my favorite Halloween movie and perhaps my favorite Mel Brooks film, Young Frankenstein. Fans of the director will immediately recognize hilarious throwbacks (and throw forwards) to his other movies– walk this way, wasn’t your hump.. on the other side?, etc. But of his library, Young Frankenstein was always particularly special to me, and stands out as unique within his opus. Maybe it’s the well-known origin story? Mel does have a way with outsider characters. Or maybe it’s the ballsy commitment to black and white footage? (I gave it a shot below, not bad).
Or maybe it’s Inga’s pronunciation of the word MOOCHAL? I couldn’t say– I just know that I’ve spent every Halloween (and many non-Halloween related days) finding ways to quote the film. PUT. ZE CANDLE. BACKH.
If you want a stellar critical review, there are many (here’s one). Otherwise, just believe me when I say Young Frankenstein, starring Gene Wilder, Peter Boyle, Teri Garr, Marty Feldman, Madeline Kahn, and Cloris Leachman, is funny, whimsical, wonderful, and FUNNY.
And so, I made a lovely German/Transylvanian/Ritz-on-fire dinner to go with it! Trust me, you’ll be making yummy mmmmmMMMMMMMMMM noises while eating.
Sometimes, true, FIRE BAD. But in this case, it's the opposite. As the Creature eventually learns, a bit of flame can really accentuate the ritzy things in life-- including the complex and elegant Ritz cocktail. Mix the first four ingredients in a cockatil shaker with ice-- shake until chilled and pour into a coup glass. Top off with as much champagne as you'd like. Now it's time for the FIRE GOOD part. Orange peels have natural oils that ignite when spritzed onto an open flame. All you have to do is light a match, and hover it just above your Ritz cocktail-- squeeze your orange peel next to it in order to release the oils in a spray-- you'll see the flame bloom as the oils make contact, and taste the orange essence in your drink! PS it might take a few tries. My own BTS photo of the aftermath here: If you want to attempt other cool tricks with alcohol and FIRE, here's a fun article that tells you what not to do. ie don't like alcohol on fire. The schwanstucker-- a word Mel Brooks invented that translated perfectly into a Two Crumbs Up menu item. While these brats are not enormous (potentially to Elizabeth and Inga's disappointment) you'll find that they are still flavorful and juicy-- especially when braised in beer with onions. OOOOH MYYYYSTERY OF LIFE AT LAST I'VE FOOOOUNND YOUUUUUUUU Add butter to a medium saucepan and melt over medium heat. Add onion slices along with red pepper flakes, garlic, salt and pepper. Sautee for two to three minutes until just starting to caramelize. Pour beer into the pot and bring to a boil, scraping up any and all crispy bits. Reduce heat and add brats to the saucepan-- simmer for roughly 10 minutes. Meanwhile, heat a griddle pan to medium high. Remove brats from the saucepan and place directly onto the griddle pan. Continue cooking the onions and beer until liguid is reduced to a gravy like consistency-- you can do this simultanesouly while grilling your brats. Both should take an additional 10 mins-- brats should be turned 5 minutes in. When ready to serve, spoon onions over brats and perhaps some polenta (in which case, don't clean out your saucepan!). Who knew polenta was a (kind of) traditional Transylvanian dish? Normally it shows up in that part of the world as dumplings, but I do like a creamy base for sausages and gravy. And if you don't get the pun, you don't deserve Mel Brooks. This recipe is SUPER simple-- only a few ingredients required. In a saucepan (or alternatively, the same pan you used for your sausages and onions, with the sticky bits still in), combine half and half and sour cream. Bring to a simmer, and add corn meal and cheese. Sir until thickened (you can add a bit more half and half or chicken broth if it becomes to firm. Add salt and pepper to taste. ...or perhaps they belonged to Hans Delbruck. You'd have to ask I-gor, Froderick. Either way they're a delicious accompaniment to sausages and creamy polenta. GIVE MY CREATION LIFE. Assemble ingredients. In a small saucepan, combine liquids, seasonings, and mustard. Bring to a boil, and remove from heat-- you want the salt and sugar to be completely dissolved. Peel garlic cloves and cut scallions into 2-3 pieces (white and pale green parts only)-- these will season your pickling liquid. Add cauliflower, garlic, and scallions to warm liquid and allow to cool completely. Pour into a sealable glass jar and allow to rest, at least 3 hours or overnight (can keep up to a week). One of the few dishes actually featured in Young Frankenstein, Schwartzwalder Kirschtorte is really a Black Forest Cake filled with brandied cherries and topped with whipped cream. But I didn't feel like making an entire cake, so I thought cupcakes... IT. COULD. WORK. And I had to pay homage to my favorite moment, 20 minutes into the movie. I don't know why, but the way Frau Blucher (neeeeeigh) pronounces Ovaltine has always made me giggle. Preheat your oven to 350. Change the poles from plus to minus, and minus to... shit wrong recipe. Sift first five ingredients together in a small bowl. Next, mix oil, half and half and sour cream. Add sugar to the dairy mixture and whisk until fully incorporated. Gradually stir in dry ingredients. In the now empty dry ingredients bowl, whisk egg, coffee and vanilla briefly so that the yolk is broken up. Add to batter, and stir to fully combine. You should end up with the below, ovaltine-y goodness. Using a 1/4 cup, pour batter into paper lined cupcake pans. Bake for 17-18 minutes-- you can tell they're done when you stick a toothpick in and it comes away batter free. Now for the cherry filling! Roughly chop your cherries and add them to a saucepan with sugar and brandy. Bring to a boil and reduce heat-- simmer for 10 minutes until liquid has reduced to a syrup. Set aside to cool completely. Scoop out the innards of your cupcakes, and fill with cherries. Feel free to reserve the juice for future cocktails and/or general slurpage. On to the whipped cream topping. Beat cream, vanilla, powdered sugar and corn starch with a hand mixer until stiff peaks form-- the latter ingredient will help stabalize the cream so that it doesn't melt or bleed (and so you can pipe it onto your cupcakes if you're fancy!). Top your cherry filled cupcakes with whipped cream-- as previously mentioned, if you are fancy you can "pipe" it with a piping tip and a ziploc bag that has one of the bottom corners cut off. Finish by shaving a bar of bittersweet chocolate on top of each cupcake and a final maraschino cherry.Puttin' on the Ritz/FIRE GOOD
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Adequately Sized Schwanzstucker
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Gouda Muenster Polenta
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Abby Normal's Pickled Brains
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Schwartzwalder Kirschtorte Cupcakes (w/Ovaltine)
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Outtakes from Young Frankenstein below. You’re welcome.
Also. HAPPY HALLOWEEN! (Unless you’re reading this in May. In which case I encourage you to watch Robin Hood: Men in Tights next. That’s my second favorite Mel Brooks film. Movie menu is forthcoming.)
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