Recipes for foodies and film nerds. Because life's too short for stale popcorn and crappy movies.
The NeverEnding Story is one of those perfectly messed up childhood movies that you watch now and feel like you belong to a special club. Because it’s a REALLY good 80’s movie. Based on a bonkers German fantasy novel by Michael Ende, The NeverEnding Story …
30 years after its release (omg I’m OLD), Forrest Gump still holds up. Parts may not necessarily be as PC as they were once thought to be, but it’s still an A+ film that deserved all six of its Academy Award wins. That doesn’t even …
Boondock Saints: “A juvenile, ugly movie that represents the worst tendencies of directors channeling Tarantino.”
Fair enough. But it’s still a fun ride and Sean Patrick Flanery is feckin’ hot.
If you grew up in the 90’s, you’ve likely seen Boondock Saints and have since watched it on at least one St. Patrick’s Day since. It’s a dude movie through and through– brothers, guns, violence, crude humor, and lots of male bravado. But aside from the actually relevant theme of “everything sucks and is corrupt, someone actually do something about it”, there’s also Willem Dafoe– who is, as always, a terrific character actor.
If you HAVEN’T seen Boondock Saints, here’s the logline– sick and tired of the crime overtaking Boston, Irish Catholic fraternal twins Conner (Sean Patrick Flanery) and Murphy (Norman Reedus) decide to turn vigilante and kill ALL THE BAD GUYS. Together with their Italian buddy Rocco (David Della Rocco), they cut a bloody swathe through the city’s riff raff– only to find themselves chased by super savvy/flamboyant FBI agent Paul Smecker (Willem Dafoe) and a mysterious assassin (Billy Connelly) who it turns out is actually their [SPOILERS NEVERMIND].
Again, it’s not the best movie ever made. Nor is it in any way PC. Also they kill a cat. But hell, it is a classic St. Patty’s Day flick that happens to go perfectly with a huge plate of Shepherd’s Pie. So drink up folks, and blast The Blood of Cu Chulainn. Sláinte!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydXojYfCF3I&t=14s
"There was a FIIIIIREFIIIIIIIGHT!!!!" Note: You might recognize this bevvie as an "Irish Car Bomb" but that name is actually super offensive nowadays (particularly if you're in Ireland). So don't call it that anymore k? K. Add the Baileys to two shot glasses, followed by the whiskey-- pouring slowly to create a layered effect. And Shepherds we shall be For Thee my Lord, for Thee Power hath descended forth from Thy hand Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee And teeming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patri, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti. Plus an onion bagel and cream cheese 'tato crust for Agent Smecker. Place the potatoes in a large pot. Cover the potatoes with water. Bring the water to a boil and cook until fork tender. From the time the potatoes hit the water, this should be about 40 minutes. Drain in a colander and pour into a mixing bowl. While still hot, add cream cheese, half and half, first batch of salt/pepper, and onion powder-- beat with a hand mixer until smooth. Cover and set aside. Now for the meaty filling! Preheat oven to 400, and heat a cast iron skillet over medium low heat. Add olive oil and onions. Cook about 7 minutes, stirring occasionally until softened and slightly translucent. Mince your garlic and add to the skillet together with your carrots, stirring to coat with what oil is left in the pan. Cook for roughly 2 minutes. Add the ground lamb and use a wooden spoon to break it up as it cooks. While the lamb is still slightly pink, add salt/pepper and flour, tossing to coat the meat. Next, add the worcestshire sauce and remaining ingredients all the way through to the bay leaf. Bring to a boil, and then immediate reduce heat to low and simmer for roughly 7 more minutes, allowing the sauce around the meat to thicken. In a small saute pan, melt butter and toss in your breakcrumbs-- toast over medium heat until golden brown. Remove from heat and throw in your onion flakes. Spread your potato mixture over your meat filled skillet and sprinkle liberatlly with buttered breadcrumbs/onion flakes. Bake uncovered for 27-30 minutes, and cool for 15 minutes before serving. If you prefer beef, go for it. But keep in mind you will not be making a Shepherd's Pie-- it's a Cottage Pie. Fuckin'- What the fuckin'. Fuck. Who the fuck fucked this fucking... FUCK THESE ARE GOOD PEAS. RIP Rocco aka Funny Man-- you're an asshole cat killer but I'm giving you a recipe anyway. Gather your ingredients together, and dream of Sicily. Heat stainless steel skillet over medium heat. Add oil, and toss in your leeks-- stir until just tender, about 4 minutes. Be careful that they don't burn! Add the asparagus, peas, salt, pepper, and a glug of white wine, then cover the skillet. Cook over medium heat until vegetables are tender but still slightly al dente, about 5 minutes. Remove the lid and continue to cook for 2 more minutes to allow any residual heat to cook off. Just before serving, toss in freshly torn basil and lemon zest, seasoning with a bit more salt to taste. Buon appetito! A penny saved is worth two in the bush, isn't it? Especially if you have eye sockets and you're DEAD. Combine the chocolate chips and shortening in a small microwave-safe bowl. Microwave in 30-second intervals, stirring, until smooth and melted. Add vanilla and pistachios and stir to combine. Pour into circular silicon molds (see below for an Amazon link to buy) and refrigerate until chocolate is firm. Remove coins from silicon and wrap delicately in gold foil. Then say a prayer and head on down the River Styx. Penny mold can be found (CHEAP!) on Amazon here!
Irish Shot
Yield:
2 Cocktails
Ingredients
Instructions
Drop the shot into a pint glass filled half to three-quarters with the Guinness. Then CHUG CHUG CHUG before it curdles.
I Am The Lord My Shepherd's Pie
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Sidekick Peas, Sicilian Style
Ingredients
Instructions
Chocolate Pennies
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Recommended Products
Guys, don’t watch the Boondock Saints sequel. It’s bad. I mean really bad. If you need another St. Patty’s Day film, highly recommend Grabbers. Or Once. Or Sing Street. Anything that isn’t Boondock Saints 2. Julie Benz you’re so much better than that horrific southern accent.
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!
It’s almost Christmas as I write this, so Love Actually is, actually, all around. Thankfully, it’s a delightful movie full of relatable characters (except Kyra Knightly, who always sucks) and poignant moments that still make me ugly happy cry 20 yrs later. I have to …
Every time I watch Rosemary’s Baby, I forget how furious it makes me. Sure, it’s scary and all, but the truly horrifying amount of gaslighting perpetrated against Rosemary evokes mostly feminine RAGE. If you haven’t seen the film, read on. Rosemary’s Baby follows a young …
I’ve been wanting to tackle Studio Ghibli and Hayao Miyazaki for a long while, and luckily my fave in the collection– Howl’s Moving Castle– is a bit simpler culinarily speaking its companions. Don’t worry, I’ll get to Spirited Away eventually.
Based on a fantasy novel written by Welsh author Diana Wynne Jones, Howl’s Moving Castle follows a mousey young woman named Sophie, who lives a boring life as a hatmaker in a European-esque city. Enter the handsome wizard Howl, who first saves Sophie, then gets her into a huge pickle by just associating with her (just like a man)– poor Sophie is turned into an old woman by a jealous witch, and is forced to seek out Howl without being able to tell him who she is. Luckily, his castle (like his ego) is huge and hard to miss, and Sophie passes herself off as his new cleaning lady. Of course, she falls in love with the guy (even though she’s WAY too good for him), and has to save Howl more than once while navigating her own curse and OH YAH a world ravaged by a pointless war.
Thematically complex and beautifully animated, Howl’s Moving Castle is a solid Ghibli bet even if you opt for the English dub over the original Japanese— the latter of which features Christian Bale as Howl, Emily Mortimer as Sophie, and Billy Crystal as the wisecracking fire spirit who powers the moving castle. Food scenes in the movie are not what you would call plentiful, but there is one in particular that stands out as a pivotal moment for Howl and his little family:
Eggs and bakey rarely looked so good. And it’s an animated friggin’ meal!
Thus, a breakfast movie menu inspired by Howl’s Moving Castle– with a few Japanese flourishes to pay homage to the creator studio. Don’t worry, turnips are not included. What do you think I am, a monster?
All right Calcifer, let’s get cooking!
For the flower loving hat shop proprietess with a big heart to steal-- piping hot hibiscus tea. If you need to loosen up as much as Sophie does, let your hair down and add a little Japanese whiskey. Bring water to a boil in a small saucepan or teapot. Steep your hibiscus tea with ginger root for 5-7 minutes. Divide into two teacups and add honey and whiskey to taste. A breakfast that leverages all of Sophie's skills with bacon and Howl's expert egg cracking maneuvers + some bread and cheese for the table. And, since this is a Myazaki anime film, I've added some fun Japanese twists that liven up the meal. I won't blame you if you make more bacon than called for. Especially if it's as good as my butcher's. Just lookit how beautiful <3 The key to super crispy bacon (especially when it's this thick) is to start off with a cold pan and cook over a controlled lower medium heat (ie don't let Calcifer get a 'tude). I also use a non-stick skillet because it's easier, but if you prefer a cast iron just make sure you fully wipe away any crispies before you get your egg on. For this meal, you want to cook until almost done, several minutes per side-- drain on paper towels and set aside. Pour out the majority of bacon grease (save in a jar for future frying deliciousness), leaving a thin coating sans any residual bacon crispies (you don't want these to burn beneath your eggs). Place pan back over medium heat. Crack six eggs into the pan , trying to consolidate on one side for aesthetics. Reduce heat to low and cover, peeking every minute or so to monitor setting progress. When almost set (about 2-3 minutes total), remove lid and drizzle your eggs with chili oil. Add bacon back to the pan to rewarm/recrisp for a minute or two more. Divvy up across three plates (I hogged an extra slice of bacon), and serve with crusty bread and cheese. Oh, what a pretty fire-- and apparently a hungry one. All that snark must work up an appetite. So, here's a log-like Japanese roll cake filled with matcha cream and paired with white chocolate "egg shells"-- a slightly more appetizing version of Calcifer's allotted snacks during family breakfast. Line a 9x13 rectangular cake pan with (SURPRISE) aluminum foil. You want it to be crinkly to accomplish a superficial bark like effect on the outside of your cake, so feel free to bunch it thickly in places and/or use more than one sheet of foil. Spray with baking spray and set aside. In a small sauce pan, heat the milk, cocoa powder, and chili powder on medium (do NOT bring to a boil). Stir continuously until cocoa powder clumps are broken up and dissolved-- set aside to cool, and preheat oven to 325. Now for the cake "batter". In a mixing bowl, combine sugar, baking soda, and 1/2 tsp cream of tartar. Sift in cake flour and whisk lightly to incorporate. Add egg yolks, oil, vanilla extract and chocolate milk mixture, stirring to combine. In a separate mixing bowl, beat egg whites with a hand mixer until lighter and frothy. Add remaining 1/4 tsp cream of tartar and continue to beat until the whites become opaque. Start adding sugar a little bit at a time, increasing the speed of your hand mixer until stiff peaks form. Using a rubber cake spatula, gently fold a third of the egg whites into the chocolate mixture, quickly rotating your wrists as you fold-- you just want to lighten up the chocolate mix a bit before adding the rest of your egg whites. Add in the rest of the whites and continue to fold lightly-- DO NOT overmix, you want the batter to be super light. Pour into lined cake pan and smooth evenly with your spatula. Drop the pan onto the counter a few times to make settle any air bubbles in the batter. Bake for roughly 15 minutes until a toothpick comes out clean. When the cake is finished baking, remove from oven and let cool for 5 minutes in the pan. Lay a sheet of parchment paper over a cooling rack, and flip your cake onto the parchment paper. Gently peel away the aluminum foil on the other side-- totally fine if the surface is craggy, we're going for a loglike effect! Now, place another sheet of parchment paper over the craggy surface of the cake and flip once more. Remove the first piece of parchment paper and roll your cake from the narrower end, incorporating the bottom piece of paper into the roll itself-- this will prevent the cake from sticking to itself. Note, it's VERY important to roll the cake before it cools completely to prevent the cake from cracking. Let your wrapped cake cool on the counter while you move onto your matcha whipped cream. Using a hand beater, whip cream, matcha, sugar, and cornstarch until stiff peaks form (a couple of minutes should do the trick). Refrigerate until cake has come to room temp. Unroll the cake and quickly spread your whipped cream evenly over the surface. Then, re-roll the cake with a light touch to avoid the cream squeezing out from the sides, and then use the parchment paper to wrap around your log to help maintain its shape. Refrigerate until ready to serve (cake will keep in the fridge for a couple of days if need be). While your cake is chiling, tackle your white chocolate "egg shells"! Very important PSA-- do not use regular white chocolate, which tends to get gloopy and separate. You HAVE to invest in melting chocolate. Blow up mini balloons to egg size-- rinse them lightly and coat with a very thin layer of vegetable oil. Next, microwave your melting chocolate in a glass bowl for a minute, pausing at 30 seconds to stir. Allow to come to room temperature, stirring frequently to maintain liquidy texture-- if you don't allow your chocolate to cool a bit, your balloons will pop when you dip them (and trust me when I say the mess is extreme). Tilt your bowl and dip your balloons a little more than halfway into your chocolate, swirling to coat. Allow any excess chocolate to drip away, and (assuming you have them) use egg holders to allow your balloons to set. Repeat with a second coat. Once completely set, you should be able to pop your balloons and peel away the balloon skin from the insides of your "shell"-- totally fine if bits of the edges chip away, makes it look a bit more authentic. When you're ready to eat, slice the ends off of your cake for a cleaner look, then slice into rounds. Serve with white chocolate egg shells whole and crumbled.
Tea for Sophie
Yield:
2 Cups
Cook Time:
10 minutes
Total Time:
10 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Family Breakfast
Yield:
3 Servings
Cook Time:
15 minutes
Total Time:
15 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
...and "Snacks" for Calcifer
Cook Time:
1 hour
Total Time:
1 hour
Ingredients
Instructions
For those of you who aspire to Howl’s dexterity with eggs, here’s a little how to video. Worst case you end up with scramby instead of sunny side up– and those go great with chili oil too.
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!
Soooo My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 is not the best film. I understand the 27% critics’ consensus on Rotten Tomatoes. However, I also understand the 73% Audience Score. Because this is the type of movie you can enjoy while acknowledging its faults! Plus, it’s …
This is a movie blog after all, so I had to create a menu for Casablanca. Is it my favorite Bogie flick? Nah. But Ingrid sure can work a tilted hat. Though Warner Bros didn’t put up much cash for Casablanca, the film is still …
I loved The Menu. So much that I’m a little concerned I have rage issues and/or violent tendencies…but the self aware part of me is also tickled that The Menu makes fun of people like ME– “foodies” who spend too much money on groceries, who eat at fancy restaurants (though I would NEVER spend $1250 on a damn meal), and who watch Chef’s table. Horrifyingly I’m pretty sure I’ve dated a Tyler.
Created by Seth Weiss and Will Tracy (Succession, ahem), The Menu literally skewers those who buy into and participate in the cult of the celebrity chef. At the outset of the film, you meet an assortment of all the worst types of elites foodie assholes (sycophant Nicholas Hoult, egocentric critic Janet McTeer, name dropping sellout actor John Leguizamo, and more) boarding a boat to a secluded island where renowned Chef Julian Slowik (Ralph Fiennes) and his staff are preparing a meal for the ages. What they DON’T know is that (with the exception of surprise dinner guest Margot, played by Anya Taylor Joy), they’ve all been carefully selected not to preen, or to proselytize the genius of the food, but for something far more sinister.
I won’t spoil anything else for you except a) Hong Chau is incredible as Elsa, Slowik’s terrifyingly enigmatic maitre d’, and b) the funniest parts of the movie to me are the Chef’s Table imitation shots. Bravo David Gelb for consulting on the cinematography and blatantly mocking your own Netflix series. Truly, laughably good.
Now, on to the menu for The Menu.
Over the next few hours you will ingest fat, salt, sugar, protein, bacteria, fungi, various plants and animals, and, at times, entire ecosystems…a biome of culinary ideas, if you will. And think of yourselves as ingredients in a degustation concept.
KIDDING. You’re gonna eat a big fatty hunk of meat covered with American cheese, most definitely sandwiched between two slices of bread to accompany the savory accompaniments. And, to complete the masochism: a side of crinkle cut fries and s’mores for the grand finale. Because cooking, after all, requires joy.
I told you, you weren’t leaving. But don’t worry. It’s all part of the menu.
Here it is. A real cheeseburger. Not some fancy deconstructed avant bullshit. A very good, very traditional cheeseburger. Like the very first cheeseburger you ever ate. The cheap ones your parents could barely afford. Medium. With American Cheese. Worth every penny of $9.95. Time to be VERY precise with your proteins. Remember, chefs play with the raw material of life itself. For my part, I went with two 3.5oz patties to fit my slightly larger hamburger buns. Once your proteins have been weighed and formed into balls, cover and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes-- a chilled burger will be that much more juicy. While your proteins are chilling, use the time to gather together your burger accoutrement. Note, you can technically use any condiments/sauces that bring you joy, but my burger sauce is REALLY good for this recipe-- see the link below! Heat a large cast iron skillet or flat griddle on high, and add your buttered bun halves face side down on the hot surface. Toast for a minute or two until golden brown, and set aside, carefully wiping away any residual butter. Continue to heat the pan until it is piping hot, another minute or two-- you'll know it's ready when a splash of water pretty immediately evaporates. Now for your patties. You are NOT going to oil the pan before adding your meats to the pan-- adding these "dry" will ensure a solid maillard reaction (a very snazzy term for crispy crusties). As soon as you add your balls of beef to the skillet/griddle, place a small square of parchment paper on top of each-- this will serve as a layer between the meat and your panina press/large steel spatula. Press the meat down into a thickness somewhere around 1/2 inch, peeling back the parchment paper quickly after pressing so that it doesn't burn. Season with salt and freshly ground pepper, and top with half of your thinly sliced onions. You should be able to see the crispy crusties start to form on the bottom of each patty after about a minute: Flip your burger for futher evidence of aforementioned crusties-- at this point, you'll understand why a steel spatula is better than a plastic one (if you try the latter, you'll end up breaking the patties apart). When you flip, make sure that the onions stay underneath the flipped patty-- they will continue to cook and soften in all of the greasy meat juices. Place two slices of American cheese on each patty, and continue to cook for another minute, until the cheese melts over the patty and forms crispy crusties of it's own: In the meantime, throw a dollop of your preferred sauce (look out for a split emulsion!) on the top half of your burger and lay four pickle chips onto the bottom half. Once they are maillarded-- remove your patties from the heat (making sure to scrape as many bits up as you can with them) and place one on top of the other on your pickle bottomed bun. Top with your sauced bun half and press together lightly. Consume immediately, preferably with a side of crinkle cut fries (recipe to follow). That. Is a cheeseburger. Amazing mouthfeel. Pretty sure it's the American cheese. I want it documented here that I did a taste test of super expensive fancy pants Wagyu vs your standard grocery store 80/20 fat ratio ground beef. Appropriately for this film, the $4.99/lb ground beef won hands down. But for all the food gods' sakes, please don't opt for lean beef. You need the fatty goodness for optimum smushiness and taste. Also my really yummy burger sauce recipe is here! Props to "Margot" for ordering the crinkle cut fries-- just slightly more of a pain in the ass than regular julienned. But, after all, a chef's single purpose on this Earth is to serve people food that they might actually like. SO BE IT MARGOT. So send backsies for this menu. Peel and cut your potatoes into 1/4 inch thick strips with your crinkle cut knife-- submerge in cold water as you prep to avoid potatoes turning brown. Add vinegar, salt, 2 qts of water and potatoes to a large stock pot and bring to a boil-- cook for 10 minutes until tender, but not completely falling apart. Remove from heat with a strainer and allow to come to room temperature. While you wait, heat oil in the same pot and heat to roughly 380 degrees (I use a candy thermometer to make sure I've got the right temp). After about 30 minutes, bring your oil back up to frying temp, and fry your batches again-- about 3 minutes per batch. You're looking for a golden brown color. Remove each batch from the hot oil with a mesh strainer and drain on paper towels-- if you aren't serving until your burgers are done you can keep warm in the oven for 15 mins or so. The s'more. The most offensive assault on the human palate ever contrived. Unethically sourced chocolate and gelatinised sugar water imprisoned by industrial-grade graham cracker. It's everything wrong with us, and yet we associate it with innocence. With childhood. Mom and dad. But what transforms this fucking monstrosity is fire. The purifying flame. It nourishes us, warms us, reinvents us, forges and destroys us. We must embrace the flame. We must be cleansed. Made clean. Like martyrs or heretics, we can be subsumed... and made anew. I love you all! Dunk your marshmallows quickly in your brandy and skewer lengthwise. Turn the marshmallows slowly about 2 inches over a low flame-- the brandy will likely catch fire as it burns off, but it won't quickly char the mallow. It will, however, allow the heat to soften the mallow a bit before the golden brown color sets in as you rotate it. Never burn anything except by design-- to make delicious. Plus it's way more fun to light stuff on fire with booze. Now you may be tempted at this point to shove the gooey mallow into your face hole. But the whole point, after all, is not to eat, but to TASTE. And you'll burn your taste buds off if you eat your toasted mallows right off the flame. Add a square of your firecracker chocolate to the top of a graham square, and top with your gooey marshmallow-- the heat will soften the chocolate. Use the other graham square as leverage to squeeze your mallow onto your s'more as you pull out the skewer. Repeat with the other two s'mores and enjoy, if you survive. No promises to anyone who doesn't have student loans. If firecracker/pop rocks chocolate isn't available to you, just sprinkle whatever kick you can-- a pinch of chili powder, or maybe some sea salt. Then it'll be like you're EATING THE OCEAN.
Just a Well-Made Cheeseburger
Yield:
1 Perfect Burger
Prep Time:
30 minutes
Cook Time:
5 minutes
Total Time:
35 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
A Side of Crinkle Cut Fries
Yield:
An Unhealthy Amount
Cook Time:
1 hour
Total Time:
1 hour
Ingredients
Instructions
When you're ready to fry separate your potatoes into four batches and fry each for 1 minute. Temperature will fluctuate as you add and remove batches, so play with your gauge and wait between batches to make sure you stay at around 380. Drain each batch on paper towels, and allow to come to room temperature.
Highly Flammable S'mores
Yield:
3 S'mores
Cook Time:
10 minutes
Total Time:
10 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Because every great meal deserves the perfect beverage pairing.
Our first selection this evening is somewhat of a classic, with a strong nose of cherry and vanilla. Some may consider the taste to be rather minimal initially, but it does increase as the drink warms up. And, the primary flavors of marzipan and almond pair excellently with the starch and salt in the exquisite expression that is the crinkle cut fry.
I give you, cherry coke:
Next, we have a lager with 4.2% alcohol by volume. Crisp, clean and refreshing, this light beer is full of Rocky Mountain refreshment, with clean malt notes and low bitterness to perfectly complement the richness of your elegantly dripping American cheese.
I give you, Coors Light:
Finally, for those of you who prefer a slightly more refined potable to go with the chef's vision (I'm looking at you, mama Slowik)-- a wine that benefits from hyper decantation with an immersion blender to awaken it from its slumber, and is characterized by a faint sense of longing and regret.
I give you, any red wine you want, from any year you can get, from Insert Any Winery Here:
Are those notes of bergamot I'm tasting?
(no but seriously I did go to my local wine shop and they gave me this bottle that tasted pretty good, if you want to try it. or you can read this article I guess, you snob.)
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!
Hocus Pocus– what a goofy ass time. Is it deserving of critical acclaim? No. But it’s a Halloween staple that everyone loves so much Disney just released a sequel 29 years later. And Sarah is STILL REALLY FUNNY! Both Hocus Pocus 1 & 2 star …