I’m relatively certain I saw Napoleon Dynamite in theaters five times when it came out. I also suspect that my high school bestie and I ruined the experience for everyone else by laughing so hard. The goofball dick bf watching in the auditorium got us …
Every time I watch Rosemary’s Baby, I forget how furious it makes me. Sure, it’s scary and all, but the truly horrifying amount of gaslighting perpetrated against Rosemary evokes mostly feminine RAGE. If you haven’t seen the film, read on. Rosemary’s Baby follows a young …
Turns out Moonstruck is 35 years young this month, and it also happens to be a holiday film. So happy Christmas Eve– time to celebrate with a bunch of classic Italian dishes and a lotta booze!
When Moonstruck was released in 1987, Cher had already proven herself an amazingly talented actress in several films (one of them, a personal favorite, released in the same year: Witches of Eastwick). Add in Nicolas Cage, who Cher insisted should be cast despite studio hesitation, not to mention a slew of amazing character actors (including the always sassy Olympia Dukakis), and you have an A+++ romantic comedy.
Set in Brooklyn, Cher plays Loretta Castorini, a jaded widow determined to counteract past years of bad luck by accepting the hand of big baby Johnny Cammareri (Danny Aiello). Her newly acquired fiancé, however, must return to Sicily to attend the bedside of his “dying” mother, and tasks Loretta with resolving the bad blood between himself and his one-handed brother Ronny (Nick Cage). What follows is a blunt, metaphor heavy, operatic affair between Loretta and Johnny that is complemented by various relationship ups and downs in the Castorini family. Viewers will learn why men chase women (they fear death), why it’s never a good idea to fall in love with a man (they drive you crazy, because they can), and to for god’s sake be careful around a bread slicer.
Appropriately, all of this wisdom is sandwiched between and shared during food scenes– at restaurants, in living rooms, and around the family dinner table. Which means, thankfully, I didn’t have to think much to construct this movie menu. And what a menu it is! I love it awful.
So eat, drink, and be merry. And don’t feed any of my food to the dog or I’ll kick ya till you’re dead. Alla famiglia!
The Movie
The Menu
Celebratory Bubbles, Italian Red, and a Martini for Rose
Yield: 3 Drinks
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Total Time: 15 minutes
Start with your prosecco and pizza, move on to your bloody steak and a big fat Italian red wine, and finally Bobo, let me have a martini, no ice, two olives with the minestrone!
And then maybe end with a little more prosecco. Because at Christmas time, you need a lotta booze.
Ingredients
Celebratory Bubbles
1 Glass Dry Prosecco
1 Sugar Cube
5 Dashes of Bitters
Splash Lemon Juice
Rose's Order
Ice
2 1/2 shots Good Quality Vodka
1/2 shot Dry Vermouth, plus a bit more to coat the glass
2 Queen Olives, with Pimiento
Red Wine Vibes
Your favorite full bodied Italian red-- highly recommend a Barbera or Barolo
Instructions
For the bubbles-- drop a sugar cube into a bubbles flute and add 5 dashes of bitters and lemon juice. Top with prosecco and enjoy! Ti amo.
For Rose's Martini-- 1 hr before serving, place martini glass in the freezer. When ready to serve, add a splash of vermouth to the glass and swirl it around before discarding. Next, fill a cocktail shaker with ice and add vodka + 1/2 shot of vermouth. Shake until well chilled and strain into a martini glass. Garnish with two olives.
For your red wine vibes-- get you some smoooooth jazz and sip slowly whilst pampering yourself before a big night at the opera.
When The Moon Hits Your Eye Pizza Pie
Prep Time: 4 hours
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Total Time: 4 hours15 minutes
I could've made a pizza tradizionale, but that didn't feel very moon-like. So here is a white pizza with some funky gorgonzola/fontina/mozzarella, a smooth and creamy rosemary white sauce, and a light drizzle of honey all atop a NY style crust for cosmopolitan Cosmo. The rest is in the song.
Ingredients
1/2 cup 00 Pizza Flour (but Bread flour works too)
1/2 cup All Purpose Flour
1/2 tsp Kosher Salt
Just under 1/2 cup Lukewarm Water
1/8 tsp Sugar
1/2 tsp Olive Oil
1/4 tsp Active Dry Yeast
1/2 cup Heavy Whipping Cream
1/2 tsp Fresh Rosemary, minced
1/2 Garlic Clove
1/3 cup Low Moisture Mozzarella, grated
1/3 cup Fontina, grated
1/2 cup Gorgonzola, crumbled
Honey, for drizzling (roughly 1 1/2 tbsp)
Instructions
Start with your dough! Slightly less yeast than I would typically use, but you're looking for a thin crust. In a large mixing bowl, combine flours and salt. In a small mixing cup, stir together lukewarm tap water and sugar until the sugar dissolves, then add the yeast and the olive oil-- wait a couple of minutes for the yeast to bloom then add to your flour.
Knead with your hands until the dough is just coming together (it's ok if it looks slightly shaggy). If you need to add another tsp of water to the mix to collect all that flour, that’s fine. Let the mixture rest for 15 minutes. Dump dough onto a floured and knead for a minute or so until smooth and elastic and shapes easily into a ball of dough.
Place on a heavily floured surface or in a bowl, cover, and let rest and rise for 3 to 4 hours at room temperature or for 8 to 24 hours in the refrigerator (if you refrigerate the dough, remove it 30 to 45 minutes before you begin to shape it for pizza).
When your dough has risen, preheat your oven to its highest temp (mine goes up to 500), and slide in a cookie sheet upside down-- you want the surface to be piping hot when you put your pizza on it.
Using an immersion blender, beat your cream, rosemary and garlic until the cream thickens-- this will be your white sauce!
On a piece of parchment paper, spread your dough into a circle about 10 inches in diameter. Spread your white sauce over your dough, and top with your three cheeses (gorgonzola last).
Open your oven quickly to slide your pizza onto your preheated cookie sheet. Bake for about 15 minutes until the cheese is bubbly and the crust is browned.
Drizzle with a bit of honey, and cut into 8 slices. Bella luna! That's amore.
You'll Eat This One Bloody Tagliata
Prep Time: 1 hour
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Total Time: 1 hour15 minutes
Yah yah so Loretta served her steak with spaghetti but I needed some more veggies-- and beef tagliata is a super classic Italian dish and stupid easy to make.
And if you like yours well done, SNAP OUT OF IT. You need to feed your blood!
Ingredients
1 Boneless New York Strip Steak (Little less than 1 lb)
2 Sprigs Rosemary
1 Clove Garlic, thinly sliced
Kosher Salt & Fresh Ground Pepper
Canola/Veggie Oil
1 Lemon
Arugula
Parmesan, for shaving
Olive Oil
Balsamic Vinegar
Flaky Salt (like Maldon)
Instructions
At least an hour before cooking (or a few hours if you have the time), drizzle your steak with some canola oil and top with your garlic slices and rosemary sprigs-- wrap tightly with plastic wrap and refrigerate.
Roughly 20 mins before you're ready to eat (and about 30 mins before you head to the bed), heat a grill or griddle pan on high. Cut your lemon in half and brush with a little more oil before adding to the pan. Season both sides of the steak generously with salt and fresh cracked pepper and add it to the pan as well-- cook for about 3-4 mins per side. If your steaks are more than an inch thick, you might need an extra minute.
Remove steak and let rest on a carving board for 10 minutes while you assemble your arugula and parmesan on a plate. Drizzle with a bit of balsamic and olive oil.
Cut meat on a diagonal, against the grain, and arrange next to your salad. Squeeze a bit of the grilled lemon over the entire plate, and sprinkle with a little extra flaky salt.
SON OF A BITCH! So much tastier than chewing off your own foot, ya wolf.
Bobo's Minestrone
Cook Time: 45 minutes
Total Time: 45 minutes
Aaaaah minestrone-- a hefty Italian soup that you can make with the ingredients I have listed here-- OR you can sub in whatever veggies you happen to have in the fridge (squash instead of potatoes, bell peppers instead of carrots, other beans instead of cannelini, pancetta instead of bacon if you're feeling fancy, etc).
Just make sure you have a vodka drink to complement (or better yet a martini), and a towel to clean your face if you're John Mahoney and you've been chasing women.
Ingredients
Good olive oil
2 oz Thick Cut Bacon, 1/2-inch-diced
1 cup Onion, chopped
1 cup Carrots, chopped
1 cup Celery, chopped
1 cup Sweet Potato, peeled and chopped
3 cloves Garlic, minced
1 tsp Fresh Thyme Leaves
1 14oz can Diced Tomatoes, preferably San Marzano
4 cups Chicken Broth
1 bay leaf
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
7 oz Cannellini Beans, drained and rinsed
1 heaping cup Ditalini pasta, cooked
1/4 cup Dry White Wine
1 tbsp Pesto (see Notes)
Freshly grated Parmesan cheese and minced parsley/chives, for serving
Instructions
Gather your stage one ingredients-- your veggies, bacon, thyme and garlic (which you'll need to mince, but for the purposes of the below photo I have kept whole cause it just looked purtier).
Heat a glug of olive oil over medium heat in a heavy pot or Dutch oven. Add the bacon and cook for about 5 minutes, stirring occasionally, until lightly crisped. Add the onions, carrots, celery, and potatoes and continue to cook, about 8 minutes, until THOSE ingredients are very lightly browned/softened. Toss in your garlic and thyme last and continue to cook for another 2 minutes.
Now for your stage two ingredients!
Add the 'maters, 3 cups of the chicken stock, the bay leaf, salt, and pepper to the pot. Bring to a boil, then lower the heat and simmer uncovered for 30 minutes, until the veggies are tender. Discard the bay leaf and add the beans and cooked pasta, stirring until they are heated through.
Just before serving, reheat the soup and, if it's too thick, add more chicken stock. Stir in the white wine and pesto and season with more salt if needed.
Serve in large shallow bowls and sprinkle with finely grated Parmesan cheese, parsley and chives.
For dinner or the morning after. Just make sure you get the bread pre-sliced-- you don't want to find yourself screaming I LOST MY HAND next to the bread slicer.
Ingredients
1/2 Red Bell Pepper, sliced
1 Clove Garlic, thinly sliced
1/2 tbsp Olive Oil
Salt
Pinch Red Pepper Flakes
1 tbsp Butter
2 Slices Italian Bread
2 Eggs
Instructions
Grab your cooking mumu and a frying pan and let's get started.
Heat the olive oil in your pan over medium heat and toss in your bell pepper slices, red pepper flakes, and a pinch of salt. Saute until your peppers soften a bit, and push them to the side of the pan away from the central point of heat-- throw your sliced garlic on top to begin to caramelize, but not burn.
Now, toss in your butter and wait until it's nice a bubbly. While you wait, cut a hole in each of your bread slices with a cookie cutter-- you can discard your bread circles, or toast them up with the other things in your pan.
Add your bread slices to the pan and move them around a bit to make sure the bottoms collect a fair amount of butter. Allow the bottoms to toast for about 4 mins, before flipping and cracking your eggs into the center of each.
Cover the pan and allow the eggs to cook and set to your desired doness (I like my yolks runny).
While the initial intention was to time this Jurassic Park menu to the release of the sixth (and dear god we hope) final movie in the Jurassic Park/World franchise, I’ve also realized that I’m slowly making my way through the Steven Spielberg “top five”. If …
This past weekend was my oldest friend’s birthday. Coincidentally, he’s also the person who helped me start this blog. So I figured what better way to celebrate him than to attempt (for the fourth or fifth time) a menu perfectly matched to his favorite movie: …
You’ve never seen it miss this house, and miss that house, and come after you! That’s right, it’s… DUN DUN DUUUUUNH… TWISTER!
But actually, other than that one line, this movie is a wonderfully suspenseful thriller– I would even say it’s one of the top natural disaster movies ever. When Twister was released in ’96, its PG-13 rating was awesomely clarified by the film’s “intense depiction of very bad weather.” FAIR ENOUGH– myself included, many a 13 and older movie goer became fascinated with the occupation “storm chaser” after watching this badass movie. Twister made NOAA and NSSL super cool, and paved the way for big budget disaster flicks like Armageddon and Day After Tomorrow. It’s the wonder of nature, baby!
Yes, we mostly have Speed director Jan de Bont and Amblin to thank for Twister. But I have to give an F5 shoutout to the stellar cast led by Helen Hunt and the late Bill Paxton. In addition to the nice little side love story between these two main characters (Do we believe it? Do we even care that much? SHOW ME MORE TORNADOS), you also have a tornado chasing team of recognizable faces including antagonist Cary Elwes and sidekick Phillip Seymour Hoffman– who is basically just being Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Dusty with Goo Goo Dolls playing in the background. I’ll take it.
Together, these maniacs track down and almost (or in some cases not almost) get sucked up by multiple twisters of varying magnitudes– they dodge exploding trucks, air borne houses, and bovine debris all within a very anxious 48 hour period. And I would pay good money to see Twister on big screen again, because the special effects still hold up after 25 years.
So, for this awesomely stressful flick I decided to pay homage to the one great heart attack inducing meal to appear in Twister– Aunt Meg’s steak and egg lunch. Add in the mashed potatoes and Meg’s famous gravy, and you have a Midwestern spread that will make you so heavy even a tornado couldn’t pick you up.
Time for fffffoooood!! FOOOOOD.
The Movie
The Menu
Jack and Pepsi with a Twist
Cook Time: 2 minutes
Total Time: 2 minutes
Apparently this one time, while naked and drunk on Jack Daniels, EXTREME storm chaser Bill Harding (/Paxton) strolled up to a twister, said "have a drink", and chucked the bottle into the twister. And it NEVER hit the ground.
So here's a cocktail for the most outta control son of a bitch in the game-- a simple drink that may or may not cause imminent rueage should you have one too many. Use Pepsi in honor of the overwhelming product placement throughout the movie Twister, as well as a twist of lemon because... duh.
Ingredients
2 shots Jack Daniels
Pepsi, to top (4-6 ounces, to taste)
Healthy Squeeze Lemon Juice
Lemon Twist
Instructions
Pour first three ingredients over ice and give it a single swirl-- top off with a twist of lemon and get ready to cheers a tornado. YOU'RE IN THE SUCK ZONE NOW.
Steak and Eggs
Prep Time: 30 minutes
Cook Time: 15 minutes
Total Time: 45 minutes
WE GOT COWS.
Unlike Aunt Meg, I did NOT slaughter my own-- but this red meat + fried egg combo will satiate any storm chaser who craves sustenance before hitting the road. Sure, it may also give you a heart attack, but if you're likely to get sucked up by a twister you might as well eat good first, amiright?
Ingredients
1 Ribeye Steak, boneless and preferably 1/5 inches thick
Salt & Pepper
2 Large Eggs
2 tbsp Canola Oil
2 tbsp Butter, divided
Instructions
30 mins before cooking, pat steaks dry with paper towels and season liberally with salt and freshly cracked pepper. Allow to rest at room temperature.
Next, heat oil in a cast iron skillet over high heat. Add steak to pan and cook for five minutes. Flip, add 1 tbsp butter to the top of the steak, and continue to cook for four minutes more. Remove from heat, shove your steak over, and add final tbsp of butter followed by your eggs. Feel free to take a photo, but be quick-- you don't want your steak to overcook!
Remove steak and cover your egg occupied pan to allow your whites to set-- the pan will still be hot enough for the eggs to cook in several minutes. In the meantime, tent your steak loosely with foil and allow to rest for 5 minutes, thereby allowing all those meaty juices Dusty loves to redistribute.
When you are ready to eat, be sure to cut your steak against the grain-- serve alongside sunnyside up (the irony) eggs, sprinkled with more salt and pepper.
Notes
For a thinner steak, reduce cooking time to 7 mins total for medium rare.
You can't live in the Midwest, let alone Tornado Alley, without an affinity for potatoes. These are whipped, because that seemed more appropriate for Twister, and drowned in my version of Meg's gravy-- which is famous. It's practically a food group.
Ingredients
1/4 cup Carrot, peeled and chopped
1/4 cup Celery, chopped
1 clove Garlic
1/2 Onion, chopped
2 tbsp Butter
1 tbsp AP Flour
2 cups Beef Broth
1 Small Bay Leaf
1/2 tsp Fresh Thyme, minced
1/2 tsp Rosemary, minced
1/2 oz Jack Daniels (optional)
2 lbs Russet Potatoes
3/4 cup Whole Milk, warmed
3 tbsp Butter
tsp Salt
More Salt and Freshly Ground Pepper, to taste
Instructions
Hey look, it's your gravy ingredients!
In mini food processor, pulse carrot, celery, garlic and onion; pulse until all vegetables are broken down.
Heat butter in a medium saucepan over medium heat; add vegetables and cook until caramelized, about 5 minutes. Stir in flour and cook until flour smell dissapates. Whisking constantly, gradually add broths; bring to boil, then reduce heat to low. Add herbs (and whiskey, if you dare) and continue to simmer, whisking occasionally, until thickened (about 25 minutes).
While your gravy simmers away, peel and cube your potatoes into 1 inch chunks. Add to a salted pot of water and set over high heat. Bring to a boil, and cook until potatoes are softened (about 15 minutes).
Strain and add to a mixing bowl. Using electric beaters (we want these suckers whipped up like an F5 came at 'em), beat your potatoes with your warm milk, 1/2 tsp salt, and remaining 3 tbsps butter.
Cover and keep warm while you finish up your gravy.
Strain gravy through fine-mesh strainer into clean saucepan, discarding solids.
Add more salt and pepper to taste, and serve atop your whipped 'tatoes.
Notes
You can make your gravy up to a week in advance, refrigerated.
Parasite was by far my favorite film of 2019. I’m almost never happy with award season outcomes, but Director Bong Joon-Ho more than deserved all of the wins– this is A+ cinema. The movie focuses on the destitute Kim family in South Korea, who scam …