Recipes for foodies and film nerds. Because life's too short for stale popcorn and crappy movies.
I’m relatively certain I saw Napoleon Dynamite in theaters five times when it came out. I also suspect that my high school bestie and I ruined the experience for everyone else by laughing so hard. The goofball dick bf watching in the auditorium got us …
It’s almost Christmas as I write this, so Love Actually is, actually, all around. Thankfully, it’s a delightful movie full of relatable characters (except Kyra Knightly, who always sucks) and poignant moments that still make me ugly happy cry 20 yrs later. I have to have an entire box of tissues on hand during Sam’s run through the airport.
Written and directed by rom com genius Richard Curtis (Four Weddings and a Funeral, Bridget Jones, Knotting Hill), Love Actually was one of the first large ensemble films to resonate with me. It’s also maybe the last– filmmakers have tried to replicate with little success (I’m looking at you, Valentine’s Day). Rather than a saccharine collection of generic lovey-dovey stories, the plot includes flawed characters with a range of personalities and ages, and not all of them have happy endings. And still when you finish Love Actually, you feel optimistic and a bit better about the world– which is quite something in this day and age.
So, in honor of Love Actually, Heathrow Airport, and England (the country of Shakespeare, Churchill, the Beatles, Sean Connery, Harry Potter, David Beckham’s right foot, and David Beckham’s left foot), I’ve made a high tea filled with delicious delicacies and taste explosions. Absolutely no dead baby’s fingers included.
So, assuming you’re ready to get the shit kicked out of you by love– get cooking!
For the old (Billy Mack baby) and young (epically agile Sam) rock and rollers in the film-- these very British sausage rolls get an apropo red hue from the roasted beets included. Yes it's punny, but what the hell. Preheat your oven to 425. Mix grated beet/beat with sausage, onion, and seasonings. Sprinkle a cutting board with flour, and lay out your puff pastry. Spread mustard over pastry, with roughly a one inch boarder on all sides untouched. Spread sausage mixture over mustard in a line, and brush the borders of the pastry with egg wash-- see below. Wrap your roll and rest with seal at the bottom. Brush with more egg wash and score lightly with a sharp knife. Sprinkle with sesame seeds and cut into four equal pieces (you can trip the very ends first to ensure you don't have excee dough). Place on a parchment paper lined cookie sheet. Bake for 25 minutes, or until golden brown. Cool at least 10 minutes before serving, tho you can serve at room temperature. Ah fuck, wank, bugger, shitting arse head and hole these are good. You can buy cooked beets at the store sure, but if you have fresh beets handy it's very easy to roast them-- for the purposes of this recipe, tossed lightly in olive oil, salt, pepper, wrapped tighly in aluminum foil and roasted at 400 for 50 minutes. the beats will be softened but not super firm-- perfect for grating. A Portuguese sammie for Jamie and Aurelia, whose first awkward conversation takes place over a plate of croissants. Noting that I will never have Aurelia's hot bod, I ate both myself with no reservations. Assemble marinade ingredients! Reserve a tbsp of the sauce in a separate container, and marinade the chicken in the remainder ro at least 3hrs (up to overnight). Preheat the oven to 425. Place chicken on a wired rack over an aluminum foil covered cookie sheet and bake for 35-40 minutes until thickest part of the breast reads 150. You can ignore all sources that say 165 should be a cooked chicken's internal temp-- LIES. But you should use a meat thermometer just in cases. Remove from the oven and allow to come to room temperature. Mix the remaining tbsp of piri pir sauce with mayo and gather the rest of your sandwich fixins: Assemble and enjoy whilst dreaming of Colin Firth learning a new language just for you. For the mother of the first lobster in the nativity play. Karen gets a sandwich all her own, because she fucking DESERVES IT. First, collect your little lobster tails. I prefer fresh, since store bought cooked lobster tends to be chewy. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil, and add your lobster tails and 3 quarters of lemon. Your water will take a minute to come back to a rolling boil-- once it does, cook for 3 minutes. Remove the lobster tails from the water and immediately place under cold running water until no longer hot. Using a very sharp pair of scissors, cut through your lobster tails lengthwise and extricate the delicious yummy lobster meat. Mix mayo, juice from remaining quarter of lemon, celery, and shallot-- add in lobster, and flavor with salt and pepper to taste. Thinly slice cucumber on a bias, and get to assembling. Cut at a diagonal-- then consume while listening to Joni Mitchell and thinking about why men are garbage. A foursome of American-ized bacon and Wisconsin cheddar tarts--goofball Colin would enthusiastically approve. Cut your puff pastry squares, and mix egg, cream, cheese, salt, and hot sauce. Place squares in a cupcake tin and brush lightly with egg wash. Fill with egg mix. Bake at 425 for 10 minutes to start-- while you wait, cook bacon bits in a saute pan until crisped. Drain, and sprinkle over your tartlets for the final 5 minutes of cooking. Remove from the oven when the puff pastry is a rich golden brown. Allow to cool slightly before nom nom noming. YA DARLING. An egg wash is typically a very well beaten egg with either a splash of water or cream included. For Judy and Jack-- the man who politely warms his hands before massaging Judy's breasts. Note, per the EXCELLENT movie Amadeus, these tasty treats should really have chestnuts instead of walnuts. But I had walnuts on hand so screw it. Microwave dark chocolate in bursts of 30 seconds until melted (about a minute and a half all in). Set aside to cool slightly. Pulse the walnuts in a food processor until very finely chopped. Next, cream the butter and sugar with a hand mixer, a couple of minutes. Add the melted chocolate, nuts, brandy, and vanilla and mix until thoroughly combined. The mixture will be soft, so you'll want to refrigerate it for 10 or so minutes until slightly more firm. Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper and divide the chocolate mixture into two balls-- press slightly at the bottom of each so that they will sit flatly. Freeze for another 10 minutes so that your balls will again... firm up? lol. Microwave white melting chocolate in bursts of 30 seconds, just as you did with the dark chocolate. Dunk chilled chocolate balls into white chocolate until completely coated, working VERY quickly (the butter in the balls will melt). Set back onto the parchment paper and refreeze, before coating once more. Refrigerate for at least 15 to 20 minutes or longer. Add a drop or two of red food coloring to the remaining white chocolate until you get a light pink color. Using a piping tip, add a slight amount of pink chocolate to the top of each ball. And there you have it-- a super sweet yet very sexually explicit treat. Fucking Keira Knightly... she didn't deserve Mark and his beautiful sensitivity anyway. That said, she does have good taste in pies. And recipe in particular is YUM-- with just a bit of Brazilian cinnamon for sad Sarah and a slight essence of sea salty tears for grieving papa Daniel. Start with the dulce de leche-- preheat oven to 425°F, and pour sweetened condensed milk into a small glass baking dish. Cover with aluminum foil, and place dish in a larger baking dish. Pour hot water into the larger dish until it reaches halfway up the side of the smaller dish. Transfer to oven and cook until condensed milk has become deep golden brown, about 1 hour. Remove from oven and whisk dulce de leche while still hot. Set aside, and reduce oven temp to 350. In a small bowl, add the graham cracker crumbs, first portion of butter, and first portion of sugar. Stir to combine. Divide the graham cracker mixture into two tart molds (or cupcake tins if that's what you got), firmly pressing with your fingers. Bake for 5 to 10 minutes in a 350-degree oven or place in the freezer to set up for 10 minutes. In the meantime, saute your bananas in remaining butter, sugar, sea salt and cinnamon until caramelized golden brown. Cue the Bay City Rollers, and assemble-- add a heaping tbsp of dulce de leche to each crust, top with slices of banana, followed by whipped cream, another banana slice, and a dusting of additional cinnamon. RIP Alan Rickman-- you're a damn gem even though your character in Love Actually was an ass. Heat chocolate, cream and vanilla in a glass bowl in bursts of 30 seconds, until melted and shiny. This is your truffle base. Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes to set. Roll into two truffle balls, and gradually shape into hearts. Dust with gold until fully coated-- gouge a small hole in the bottom right of the "pendant" and fill with raspberry jam/"gems". Chill until ready to eat, at which point you should place into a box, wrap with gold ribbon. This box will then go into a cellophane bag-- don't worry, it will be ready in the flashiest of flashes-- which you should then fill with rose petals, followed by a flourish of dried lavendar. I think we can stop there-- I lack a larger Christmas box. For the prime minister who love chocolate biscuits and debatably plump, foul-mouthed women from the dodgy end of London. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Cream the vanilla, butter and sugar with a hand mixer. Sift in the flour and salt, and continue to miix on low speed until the dough starts to come together. Dump onto a surface dusted with more flour and shape into a flat disk. Wrap in plastic and chill for 30 minutes. Roll the dough 1/4-inch thick and, using a cookie cutter or glass, cut four circles out of the dough. In the center of two of the rounds cut out two hearts. At this point, you'll have extra dough, so why not make a bunch of baby heart cookies? Because unlike Natalie, my thighs actually ARE the size of big tree trunks. Bake on a parchment paper lined cookie sheet for 20 to 25 minutes, until the edges begin to turn golden brown. Allow to cool to room temperature. Melt the chocolate in a glass bowl (at this point in the blog post, you should be well versed). Spread onto the non-stenciled cookies, and allow to cool before covering with a layer of jelly. Feel free to do the same with your baby hearts if you have extra! They're a delightful accompaniment to a nice cuppa tea and a smooch with Hugh Grant. I know, I know, I didn't add milk. But the spiced rum is more "me" anyway let's be honest. If you don't know how to make a cup of tea, I don't know what you're doing reading this blog.
Rock and Sausage Rolls with Beat-root
Yield:
4 rolls
Cook Time:
40 minutes
Total Time:
40 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Piri Piri Chicken Croissants
Yield:
2 Small Sandwiches
Prep Time:
3 hours
Cook Time:
45 minutes
Total Time:
3 hours 45 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Lobster Salad Tea Sandwiches
Cook Time:
30 minutes
Total Time:
30 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Wisconsin Cheddar and Bacon Tartlets
Yield:
4 tarts
Cook Time:
20 minutes
Total Time:
20 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Nipples of Venus for the Stand Ins
Cook Time:
30 minutes
Total Time:
30 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Sad Sack Brazilian Banofie Pie
Cook Time:
30 minutes
Total Time:
30 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Cheater's Chocolate Pendant with Extra Wrapping
Cook Time:
30 minutes
Total Time:
30 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Chocolate Jammie Dodger Biscuits
Yield:
2 big cookies plus a few smaller
Ingredients
Instructions
Boozy Christmas Tea
Ingredients
Instructions
In case you want a soundtrack while you cook– Love Actually has a great one :). HAPPY CHRISTMAS!
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!
Every time I watch Rosemary’s Baby, I forget how furious it makes me. Sure, it’s scary and all, but the truly horrifying amount of gaslighting perpetrated against Rosemary evokes mostly feminine RAGE. If you haven’t seen the film, read on. Rosemary’s Baby follows a young …
I’ve been wanting to tackle Studio Ghibli and Hayao Miyazaki for a long while, and luckily my fave in the collection– Howl’s Moving Castle– is a bit simpler culinarily speaking its companions. Don’t worry, I’ll get to Spirited Away eventually. Based on a fantasy novel …
Happy bday to Tom Hanks! Naturally I had to celebrate with some kid friendly party food and a screening of 1988’s Big– a very absurd, but well-deservedly loved 80’s fave directed by the great Penny Marshall.
If you haven’t seen it (she types scornfully), a quick overview: after making an ill-fated wish to be “big” on an apparently magical Zoltar machine, 13 yr old Josh Baskin wakes up the next morning to find a grown ass man staring at him in the mirror. Fleeing a mother who is convinced her young son has been kidnapped by sexual deviants (this movie is kinda dark when you think about it), Josh has to make his way through the big bad NYC as a kid trapped in an adult’s body– which, of course, leads to all sorts of professional and romantic (in kind of a creepy way) shenanigans with the true adults he encounters.
Big is a relatively early film in Tom Hank’s long and distinguished repertoire– but it is a favorite for a reason. In addition to Hanks’s hilarious performance (apparently he had the actor playing young Josh act out all his scenes so he could mimic his childlike behavior), you have the wise cracking bestie Billy as a foil (Jared Rushton), and John Heard playing a superb asshole antagonist as Paul. Elizabeth Perkins is also wonderful as a jaded convert and, despite the ick factor, the final scene between Josh and Susan is truly heartbreaking in the best way. I swear it’s mostly endearing and nostalgic. Remember the giant living room trampoline? One day, you guys… one day.
So, assuming you’re around my age, please come and relive this 80’s childhood classic with me– and eat until you feel like barfing up silly string all over your bestie. Because that’s real friendship.
As they say in Big: The space goes down, down baby, down, down the roller coaster, sweet, sweet baby, sweet, sweet, don't let me go. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop! Shimmy, shimmy, roooock. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop! Shimmy, shimmy, rooooock. I met a girlfriend - a triscuit! She said, a triscuit - a biscuit! Ice cream, soda pop, vanilla on the top. Ooh, Shanita, walking down the street, ten times a week. I read it. I said it. I stole my momma's credit. I'm cool. I'm hot. Sock me in the stomach three more times.,., Couldn't be simpler-- spoon vanilla ice cream into tall glasses (these happen to be for champers). Top with Pepsi cola (the product placement in this movie is RAMPANT, might as well be authentic), bourbon, whipped cream and a cherry. Serve chilled, and try not to get too hyper/disgusting. There's nothing like walking through a county fair with a warm toasty cone of kettle corn-- and this particular recipe pays homage to the cartoonish carnival machine that started it all for Josh Baskin. Be careful what you wish for... In a medium sized heavy bottom pot, heat vegetable oil and sugar over medium heat-- swirl, until sugar starts to dissolve. Add your kernels and stir to coat them in your sugar oil. Cover the pot-- the trapped heat inside is what will pop your corn! Shake the pot every 8-10 seconds to prevent the sugar from burning. Sprinkle with za'atar seasoning, adding more if you like a stronger flavor, and toss thoroughly to coat. Because maybe the most memorable scene in Big (or any Tom Hanks movie for that matter) is him "playing" Heart and Soul + Chopsticks on a giant floor piano at FAO Schwarz. Am I going to keep the one I used as a background prop in my Big movie menu post? Yes, probably. Suck it downstairs neighbors... Start by squishing your tofu between several sheets of paper towels to absorb excess water-- you want your tofu to be VERY dry, so let it sit, switching out paper towels as needed, for about 10 mins. Once dry, crumble with your fingers. In the meantime, lay your kimchi and your shrimp on paper towels of their own to dry a bit, patting softly. In a small food processor, pulse tofu, shrimp, kimchi, white parts of the green onions, garlic, ginger, soy sauce, sesame oil and salt. You want a relatively smooth paste. Transfer to a small mixing bowl and refrigerate until ready to use. Next, cut your dumpling/wonton wrappers into hearts with a cookie cutter or sharp knife, laying each heart on top of a damp paper towel to prevent them from drying out as you work. When you're ready, wet the edges of your dumpling skin hearts with water and drop a teaspoon of filling into the center. Place another dumpling skin heart on top of your filling and press the edges to completely seal, using more water on your fingers if needed. Repeat as necessary and refrigerate until ready to cook, making sure that the dumplings don't touch each other as they chill. About 10 mins before you eat, heat the pan with 1 tbsp of vegetable oil over medium heat. Add your dumplings in batches, again making sure they don't touch each other, and fry for about 2 mins until the bottoms are golden brown and slightly crisp. Add 1/3 cup of water to the pan, and cover immediately with a lid. Reduce the heat to medium low, and steam for roughly 4 more mins. Slide your finished dumplings onto a plate and keep warm next to the stove burner as you cook your next batch of dumplings. When you're ready to nosh, mix all of your sauce ingredients together until sugar is completely dissolved. Drizzle a tbsp or so over your dumplings, and include for further dipping. Sprinkle dumplings with green onion slices, and serve with chopsticks! You can also freeze your dumplings before cooking! Just steam for a bit longer when you're cooking them to ensure the innards are fully done. Apparently no cocktail party is complete without beluga caviar. But since that stuff is kinda gross, here's a kid friendly alternative-- a deconstructed cowboy caviar with tortilla "blinis", mexican crema/cotija instead of creme fraiche, black bean "fish eggs", and roasted tomato and bell pepper "lox"-- all marinated in a Mexican spiced vinaigrette. Accompany your caviar with some grilled Mexican baby corn, and you can be as Tom Hanks faux fancy as you want. Start with your "lox". Cut your tomato in half and rub both halves and your bell pepper with veggie oil, sprinkling with salt and pepper. Broil for roughly 5 mins until skin is blackened-- transfer to a bowl and cover tightly with the same foil you use to broil it on. Allow to rest for 5-10 so that the steam will loosen the skin further. Remove the skin and discard, leaving only the softened bell pepper and tomato flesh-- slice this thinly to mimic seasoned lox. Gather your remaining caviar ingredients, including your vinaigrette (veggie oil to honey in the ingredients list) and your faux "creme fraiche" (ie your crema mixed with 2 tbsp of cotija). Add 1 tsp of your vinaigrette to your tomato, and 1 tsp to bell pepper, allowing the seasonings to infuse your "lox". Pour the rest over your black beans and let sit to marinate. Cover until ready to assemble. In the meantime, preheat your oven to 400 and cut out your tortilla "blinis". Spread out on a parchment paper lined cookie sheet and brush lightly with oil. Bake for 7 mins until golden brown. Set aside. Now time for baby corns! Dry briefly on paper towels and toss with your oil and seasonings. Heat a griddle pan on high, and sear your corn, about 2-3 mins per side. When ready to serve your caviar, spread your crema mix on your toasted blinis and top wiith "lox", followed by black bean "fish eggs" and sprigs of cilantro. Serve alongside baby corn with a healthy squeeze of lime juice and cotija-- which you can also dip into your crema for a nice street corn flavor. If you need instructions, see below. Just no double dipping, it's gross. Pull and shape your pizza dough into 10-12 equal balls. If you have extra, you can always try a nice game of catch? Cut your mozzarella string cheese into 1 1/2 inch chunks, and place into the center of each dough ball wrapping them tightly. Place onto a parchment paper lined cookie sheet. Melt your butter and mix in your garlic powder, basil and salt. While you wait for your oven to preheat to 400, brush your dough balls with melted butter mixture. Bake for roughly 30 minutes until golden brown, brusing with more butter if needed. Serve hot, with some yummy pizza sauce, and make sure to brush your teeth after if you plan on seeing your girlfriend at the end of the night EWWWWWWWWWW.
Ice Cream Soda Pop Vanilla (and Bourbon) on the Top!
Yield:
2 Cocktails
Ingredients
Instructions
Zoltar/Za'atar Kettle Corn
Yield:
4 Cups
Cook Time:
5 minutes
Total Time:
5 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
When the popping has slowed to once every 2 to 3 seconds, uncover the pot and remove from the heat. Ideally you'll have a slightly sticky and sweet batch of lovely kettle corn.
Heart and Seoul Dumplings
Yield:
12 dumplings
Cook Time:
45 minutes
Total Time:
45 minutes
Ingredients
Dumplings
Sauce
Instructions
Notes
Kid Friendly Caviar w/Grilled Baby Corn
Yield:
12 "blinis"
Cook Time:
30 minutes
Total Time:
30 minutes
Ingredients
Deconstructed Cowboy Caviar
Grilled Mexican Baby Corn
Instructions
Big Birthday Pizza Dough Bombs
Yield:
10-12 balls
Cook Time:
3 hours
Total Time:
3 hours
Ingredients
Instructions
If any of you are foolish enough to be all, “I don’t get it” when I praise Tom Hanks, watch him reenact his Big rap below. The man is a gd American treasure.
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!
“If you are what you eat, then I only want to eat the good stuff.” Out of the mouths of rats… Ratatouille is, to this day, one of the best foodie films ever made. Even Anthony Bourdain thought so! Once you get past the very …
So, to be completely 100% all the way honest, I wasn’t a huge fan of Waitress when it was released in 2007. At the time I knew nothing of the broadway musical that would come later that same year, and I had already seen (and loved) The Good Girl starring Jen Aniston in 2002. Now, of course, I’m in my 30’s and any movie featuring a smarter-than-her-town jaded heroine hits the spot for me. Also it’s a really good foodie movie. ‘Cause see the main character Jenna also happens to be her town’s pie genius.
Having inherited her late mother’s gift for making a pie fit any occasion, mood, or change in the weather, Jenna debuts all of her culinary creations at Joe’s Pie Shop where she waits tables. Jenna has a horrible home life with a loser, epically selfish and abusive husband (Jeremy Sisto, ugh what’s wrong with me he’s still a stud)– and then she finds out she’s pregnant. With a damn. baby. Good thing her new gyno happens to be incredibly handsome (Nathan Fillion, ahem), sensitive and super into her. What follows is a whole lotta self examination and realization and Jenna coming into her own and who really cares because, like the patrons of Joe’s, we’re here for the food.
So for this cute movie I made some very sweet (and one savory) pie or pie-like treats. I prioritized my selections based on those that actually got their own visual vignette in the film, but feel free to pick any of the other numerous pies Jenna references! Just do as I did, for the sake of your waist line, and make some of these pies personal sized. Luckily, all of the below recipes can be baked at the same temps and for roughly the same amount of time, so despite the volume it’s all a piece of … you know. HAPPY PI DAY!
And, lastly, you can find my pie crust, caramel, and whipped cream recipes here. You’re gonna need ’em.
Per the handsome doc, coffee (and most definitely booze) are on Jenna's "bad food list". Good thing none of US are pregnant. (if you are you shouldn't drink this...) Fill a high ball or sundae glass with ice. Pour in the coffee, syrup, cream and whiskey, stirring until mixed. Top with the whipped cream and sprinkle with nutmeg. If you want to make whipped cream from scratch-- BRAVO. It's super easy and way more delicious than what you'll find in a can. Just check out my On the Side how-to. One of the first pies of the film: a savory quiche filled with brie and smoked ham. Nothing says "I wish I could shirk my parental responsibilities" like a bunch of broken eggs! For quiche, you'll need to blind bake your crust (otherwise, you run the risk of a soggy bottom and that would be a dman shame! Preheat your oven to 375. Roll out your portion of pie crust and line a 9inch pie dish-- crimp the edges all pretty like (there's a very usefull how to at Food52). Prick the bottom of the crust with a fork several times (this will prevent air bubbles from expanding beneath the crust as it bakes. You can further prevent uneven crusts by lining the dough with parchment paper and weighting it with dried beans or pie weights (more on that here). Bake for 11-12 minutes until crust just starts to turn a pale gold. Remove from the oven and set aside to come to room temperature-- reduce the oven temp to 350, and get started on your filling. Whisk eggs, dairy, salt and pepper together. Layer chunks of brie, ham and half of your scallions on the bottom of your cooled pie crust, and pour your egg mix over your fillings. Bake for roughly 45-50mins at 350-- the center should still have a very slight jiggle when it comes out of the oven, as the quiche will contine to set as it sits. When ready to serve, sprinkle with a few of the remaining scallions. You can find the full recipe for Pie Crust here on my On the Side page. MMM a dark chocolate cream pie drowned in caramel-- all it needs is some extra salt to bring out the perfect level of bitterness. Start with your crust. Preheat the oven to 375. On a piece of wax paper, roll out your dough into an 8 inch diameter circle. Place a 5inch pie tin over the dough... .. and flip it over. Peel away the wax paper and press the dough into your mini-pan, crimping the edges. Bake for 5-10 minutes until golden brown. Remove and set aside to cool completely. Now for your filling! In a medium bowl, whisk together the sugar, cornstarch, cocoa, espresso powder, and salt. Add 1/2 of the cream and the egg yolks-- continue whisking until smooth. Before serving, pour your caramel sauce over your pie and sprinkle with flaky sea salt. For best slicing, refrigerate the pie overnight before serving. My pie crust recipe can be found here! Homemade caramel sauce can be found here! Ok Ok this is not a pie. It's a NY style cheesecake. But Jenna made it, so it's not cheating! Especially since this one is low calorie and still creamy delicious enough to make the late night child care a little more bearable. Preheat oven to 375-- time to assemble your graham cracker crust! Combine graham cracker crumbles, sugar and melted butter in a bowl-- the mixture will be like a grainy wet sand. In a 4 inch springform pan (or, if you don't have one of these, you can always make 3-4 mini mini cheesecakes in a lined cupcake tray), firmly press heaping tablespoons full of the crust mix into the bottom. Prebake the crust for 5 minutes, and set aside--reduce the heat to 350. For the filling: Using a handheld or stand mixer fitted with a paddle or whisk attachment, beat the cream cheese and granulated sugar together on medium-high speed in a large bowl until the mixture is smooth and creamy, about 1 minute. Add the sour cream, vanilla extract, and lemon juice then beat until fully combined. On medium speed, add the egg and beat just until combined. Batter will be thick. Pour the batter over the graham cracker crust (make sure your spring form pan is completely sealed!). Tightly wrap the bottom and sides of the springform pan in aluminum foil-- then, submerge the pan in a water bath (the water should only come up about halfway along the sides. Bake until the edge of the cheesecake is set and the middle has a SLIGHT jiggle-- about 35 mins (or, if you're using a muffin tin, 20 mins). Once finished, set the pan on a wire rack and allow to cool at room temperature for 30 minutes. Refrigerate for at least 2 hours. Once fully chilled and you are almost ready to serve, brush the top of the cheesecake with brandy. Add chopped pecans and nutmeg as a final garnish and hot damn that's yummy. Cheesecakes will keep in the refrigerator for up to 5 days. Most cheesecake recipes will call for full fat everything. And that's wonderful, but you know what's better? Finding a recipe that's just as good with low fat ingredients-- and this is one of them! Feel free to use reduced fat cream cheese and yogurt and you'll be much more willing and able to shove all these other pies in your face. A dark and bloody red pie for dark moods. I added the broken heart-- seemed appropriate. As per usual, crust is first! In a bowl, stir together flour, cocoa, sugar, and salt. Cut in the butter until pieces are pea sized. Sprinkle 1 tablespoon ice water over the mixture and gently toss with a fork. Press into a ball and, if pieces are falling off, add a bit more water to the mix. Form into a disc and refrigerate for 30 mins. Roll pastry from the center to the edge of a piece of wax paper, working to create a thin circle about 1/8 thick. Using a heart stencil or a sharp knife, cut 3 hearts out of your dough about 2 1/2 inches tall. Roll out the remainder of your dough into mini pie sized discs. Crimp edges as desired (I used a fork to make angled indents. In a small mixing bowl, CRUSH the remaining ingredients with your BARE HANDS until you get a jammy consistency. Fill your crusts with berry mixture and, after cutting your dough hearts into two jagged halves, place them on top of the berry filling. Bake until crust is just turning a more golden brown. Vanilla custard with banana (hold the banana). Preheat your oven to 375 (again). Prep your pie crust (again)-- just look at the other pie recipes for gods sake. Once you have the crust in its little pie tin, use a spoon to imprint little scallop edges. Then (huge surprise, I know) prebake your crust for 5 minutes and set aside to come to room temperature. Reduce heat to 350. In a small bowl, whisk together the remaining ingredients excl the whipped cream topping. Because, duh. Pour custardy pie filling into your prebaked and cooled crust (you don't want scramby eggs at the bottom!). Bake for 35 minutes until custard is set. Serve chilled or warm (but not too warm or your damn whipped cream'll melt!). So, our Waitress baker Jenna describes this one as “Lumpy oatmeal with fruitcake mashed in. Flambéed of course." If you want, you can of course soak this sucker in brandy and light it on fire, but don't go nuts and burn your house down. Please. Here's a how to on how NOT to do that. LAST CRUST. And this one is a little tricky. Preheat the oven to 350. Mix oats, flour, sugar, clove, and COLD butter-- very important, as this crust does NOT work with softened or melted butter. Once your dough reaches a wet sand consistency, press into the bottom and sides of a 4 inch pie tin. Here's where it gets iffy-- using another pie tin, weight the little crust down with pie weights or dried beans. As this particular crust cooks, it tends to swell as the oats absorb the butter. This step helps your crust stay crust shaped! Prebake your crust, remove from the oven and reduce heat to 350. Now for your filling! You should have a heaping 1/2 cup full of the dry ingredients... ... which you'll mix together and add to your prebaked crust. Whisk your wet ingredients Collect your filling ingredients and fill your oatmeal crust-- you should have a heaping 1/2 cup full. In a small bowl, cream butter and brown sugar until light and fluffy, 5-7 minutes. Beat in the eggs, corn syrup, cloves, ginger and nutmeg. Pour over fruit mixture. Bake at 350 for roughly 30 minutes-- what that your nuts don't burn! Remove from your oven and, when ready to serve, thickly splash the top of the cake with warmed brandy and, in a well ventilated space, do your best to safely light the top surface of the pie on fire. Do NOT ignite the alcohol while you're pouring it from the bottle. Please click on this hyperlink if you actually want to ignite this cake. Please? Thanks.
Bad Food List Coffee
Yield:
2 Drinks
Cook Time:
5 minutes
Total Time:
5 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
I Don't Want Earl's Baby Pie
Yield:
9 inch Quiche
Cook Time:
2 hours 2 seconds
Total Time:
2 hours 2 seconds
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
I Hate My Husband Pie
Yield:
1 small pie
Cook Time:
1 hour
Additional Time:
30 minutes
Total Time:
1 hour 30 minutes
Ingredients
Instructions
Pour this mixture into a medium saucepan over medium heat, whisking ask it begins to warm. Gradually whisk in the remaining cream and all of the milk. Bring to a very soft boil, whisking constantly as the mixture thickens (approximately 1 minute).
Remove the saucepan from the heat and pour the mixture back into your mixing bowl. Add the chocolate, butter and vanilla. Stir until everything is melted and the mix is smooth. If you have any stray lumps, you can pass the filling through a strainer to nix them.
Now, place a sheet of plastic wrap over the chocolate mix and press down to seal the top-- you don't want any air pockets, or you run the risk of a skin forming over the chocolate. Chill the mix in the fridge for 30 minutes to an hour before spooning into your cooled pie crust.
Notes
Baby Screaming It's Head Off in the Middle of the Night and Ruining My Life Pie
Yield:
1 4inch Cheesecake
Cook Time:
1 hour
Additional Time:
2 hours
Total Time:
3 hours
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Earl Murders Me Because I'm Having An Affair Pie
Cook Time:
1 hour
Total Time:
1 hour
Ingredients
Instructions
I Can't Have No Affair Because It's Wrong and I Don't Want Earl to Kill Me Pie
Yield:
1 4inch Pie
Ingredients
Instructions
Pregnant, Miserable, Self-Pitying Loser Pie
Yield:
1 4inch pie
Ingredients
Instructions
I got nothing except for the fact that now all I wanna do is rewatch Felicity. Earl or Dr. Pomatter; Ben or Noel. Damn Keri Russell gets into some solid love triangles…
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Happy 55th Anniversary to Chuck Jones’s classic TV adaptation of How the Grinch Stole Christmas!! I know there have been a number of movies based on the original children’s book at this point, but this holiday animated special always held a special place in my …
