The Menu
I loved The Menu. So much that I’m a little concerned I have rage issues and/or violent tendencies…but the self aware part of me is also tickled that The Menu makes fun of people like ME– “foodies” who spend too much money on groceries, who eat at fancy restaurants (though I would NEVER spend $1250 on a damn meal), and who watch Chef’s table. Horrifyingly I’m pretty sure I’ve dated a Tyler.
Created by Seth Weiss and Will Tracy (Succession, ahem), The Menu literally skewers those who buy into and participate in the cult of the celebrity chef. At the outset of the film, you meet an assortment of all the worst types of elites foodie assholes (sycophant Nicholas Hoult, egocentric critic Janet McTeer, name dropping sellout actor John Leguizamo, and more) boarding a boat to a secluded island where renowned Chef Julian Slowik (Ralph Fiennes) and his staff are preparing a meal for the ages. What they DON’T know is that (with the exception of surprise dinner guest Margot, played by Anya Taylor Joy), they’ve all been carefully selected not to preen, or to proselytize the genius of the food, but for something far more sinister.
I won’t spoil anything else for you except a) Hong Chau is incredible as Elsa, Slowik’s terrifyingly enigmatic maitre d’, and b) the funniest parts of the movie to me are the Chef’s Table imitation shots. Bravo David Gelb for consulting on the cinematography and blatantly mocking your own Netflix series. Truly, laughably good.
Now, on to the menu for The Menu.
Over the next few hours you will ingest fat, salt, sugar, protein, bacteria, fungi, various plants and animals, and, at times, entire ecosystems…a biome of culinary ideas, if you will. And think of yourselves as ingredients in a degustation concept.
KIDDING. You’re gonna eat a big fatty hunk of meat covered with American cheese, most definitely sandwiched between two slices of bread to accompany the savory accompaniments. And, to complete the masochism: a side of crinkle cut fries and s’mores for the grand finale. Because cooking, after all, requires joy.
I told you, you weren’t leaving. But don’t worry. It’s all part of the menu.
The Movie
The Menu
Here it is. A real cheeseburger. Not some fancy deconstructed avant bullshit. A very good, very traditional cheeseburger. Like the very first cheeseburger you ever ate. The cheap ones your parents could barely afford. Medium. With American Cheese. Worth every penny of $9.95. Time to be VERY precise with your proteins. Remember, chefs play with the raw material of life itself. For my part, I went with two 3.5oz patties to fit my slightly larger hamburger buns. Once your proteins have been weighed and formed into balls, cover and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes-- a chilled burger will be that much more juicy. While your proteins are chilling, use the time to gather together your burger accoutrement. Note, you can technically use any condiments/sauces that bring you joy, but my burger sauce is REALLY good for this recipe-- see the link below! Heat a large cast iron skillet or flat griddle on high, and add your buttered bun halves face side down on the hot surface. Toast for a minute or two until golden brown, and set aside, carefully wiping away any residual butter. Continue to heat the pan until it is piping hot, another minute or two-- you'll know it's ready when a splash of water pretty immediately evaporates. Now for your patties. You are NOT going to oil the pan before adding your meats to the pan-- adding these "dry" will ensure a solid maillard reaction (a very snazzy term for crispy crusties). As soon as you add your balls of beef to the skillet/griddle, place a small square of parchment paper on top of each-- this will serve as a layer between the meat and your panina press/large steel spatula. Press the meat down into a thickness somewhere around 1/2 inch, peeling back the parchment paper quickly after pressing so that it doesn't burn. Season with salt and freshly ground pepper, and top with half of your thinly sliced onions. You should be able to see the crispy crusties start to form on the bottom of each patty after about a minute: Flip your burger for futher evidence of aforementioned crusties-- at this point, you'll understand why a steel spatula is better than a plastic one (if you try the latter, you'll end up breaking the patties apart). When you flip, make sure that the onions stay underneath the flipped patty-- they will continue to cook and soften in all of the greasy meat juices. Place two slices of American cheese on each patty, and continue to cook for another minute, until the cheese melts over the patty and forms crispy crusties of it's own: In the meantime, throw a dollop of your preferred sauce (look out for a split emulsion!) on the top half of your burger and lay four pickle chips onto the bottom half. Once they are maillarded-- remove your patties from the heat (making sure to scrape as many bits up as you can with them) and place one on top of the other on your pickle bottomed bun. Top with your sauced bun half and press together lightly. Consume immediately, preferably with a side of crinkle cut fries (recipe to follow). That. Is a cheeseburger. Amazing mouthfeel. Pretty sure it's the American cheese. I want it documented here that I did a taste test of super expensive fancy pants Wagyu vs your standard grocery store 80/20 fat ratio ground beef. Appropriately for this film, the $4.99/lb ground beef won hands down. But for all the food gods' sakes, please don't opt for lean beef. You need the fatty goodness for optimum smushiness and taste. Also my really yummy burger sauce recipe is here! Props to "Margot" for ordering the crinkle cut fries-- just slightly more of a pain in the ass than regular julienned. But, after all, a chef's single purpose on this Earth is to serve people food that they might actually like. SO BE IT MARGOT. So send backsies for this menu. Peel and cut your potatoes into 1/4 inch thick strips with your crinkle cut knife-- submerge in cold water as you prep to avoid potatoes turning brown. Add vinegar, salt, 2 qts of water and potatoes to a large stock pot and bring to a boil-- cook for 10 minutes until tender, but not completely falling apart. Remove from heat with a strainer and allow to come to room temperature. While you wait, heat oil in the same pot and heat to roughly 380 degrees (I use a candy thermometer to make sure I've got the right temp). After about 30 minutes, bring your oil back up to frying temp, and fry your batches again-- about 3 minutes per batch. You're looking for a golden brown color. Remove each batch from the hot oil with a mesh strainer and drain on paper towels-- if you aren't serving until your burgers are done you can keep warm in the oven for 15 mins or so. The s'more. The most offensive assault on the human palate ever contrived. Unethically sourced chocolate and gelatinised sugar water imprisoned by industrial-grade graham cracker. It's everything wrong with us, and yet we associate it with innocence. With childhood. Mom and dad. But what transforms this fucking monstrosity is fire. The purifying flame. It nourishes us, warms us, reinvents us, forges and destroys us. We must embrace the flame. We must be cleansed. Made clean. Like martyrs or heretics, we can be subsumed... and made anew. I love you all! Dunk your marshmallows quickly in your brandy and skewer lengthwise. Turn the marshmallows slowly about 2 inches over a low flame-- the brandy will likely catch fire as it burns off, but it won't quickly char the mallow. It will, however, allow the heat to soften the mallow a bit before the golden brown color sets in as you rotate it. Never burn anything except by design-- to make delicious. Plus it's way more fun to light stuff on fire with booze. Now you may be tempted at this point to shove the gooey mallow into your face hole. But the whole point, after all, is not to eat, but to TASTE. And you'll burn your taste buds off if you eat your toasted mallows right off the flame. Add a square of your firecracker chocolate to the top of a graham square, and top with your gooey marshmallow-- the heat will soften the chocolate. Use the other graham square as leverage to squeeze your mallow onto your s'more as you pull out the skewer. Repeat with the other two s'mores and enjoy, if you survive. No promises to anyone who doesn't have student loans. If firecracker/pop rocks chocolate isn't available to you, just sprinkle whatever kick you can-- a pinch of chili powder, or maybe some sea salt. Then it'll be like you're EATING THE OCEAN.
Just a Well-Made Cheeseburger
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
A Side of Crinkle Cut Fries
Ingredients
Instructions
When you're ready to fry separate your potatoes into four batches and fry each for 1 minute. Temperature will fluctuate as you add and remove batches, so play with your gauge and wait between batches to make sure you stay at around 380. Drain each batch on paper towels, and allow to come to room temperature.
Highly Flammable S'mores
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Epilogue
Notes from the Somm
Because every great meal deserves the perfect beverage pairing.
Instructions
Our first selection this evening is somewhat of a classic, with a strong nose of cherry and vanilla. Some may consider the taste to be rather minimal initially, but it does increase as the drink warms up. And, the primary flavors of marzipan and almond pair excellently with the starch and salt in the exquisite expression that is the crinkle cut fry.
I give you, cherry coke:
Next, we have a lager with 4.2% alcohol by volume. Crisp, clean and refreshing, this light beer is full of Rocky Mountain refreshment, with clean malt notes and low bitterness to perfectly complement the richness of your elegantly dripping American cheese.
I give you, Coors Light:
Finally, for those of you who prefer a slightly more refined potable to go with the chef's vision (I'm looking at you, mama Slowik)-- a wine that benefits from hyper decantation with an immersion blender to awaken it from its slumber, and is characterized by a faint sense of longing and regret.
I give you, any red wine you want, from any year you can get, from Insert Any Winery Here:
Are those notes of bergamot I'm tasting?
Notes
(no but seriously I did go to my local wine shop and they gave me this bottle that tasted pretty good, if you want to try it. or you can read this article I guess, you snob.)
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!