The Substance
The Substance is possibly the most disgusting movie I’ve ever seen. That said, it’s also the most thought provoking film I’ve watched in a long, long time. The cinematic references, bless— call me a sucker for a carpet print from The Shining. But all in, it’s so incredibly original that I obsessed, mused, pondered for MONTHS after seeing it. While watching, don’t look away, I beg you– the message is more than worthwhile (thanks director Coralie Fargeat, you badass).
IMO Demi Moore was robbed by the Academy for her performance as Elizabeth Sparkle– an aging, ex-aerobics superstar who is desperate to remain relevant in the face of an ethically bereft, male dominated industry. After a car accident, a mysterious but beautiful young man hands her a business card that will change her life. What emerges (literally) from a subsequent procedure is a beautiful doppelgänger played by Margaret Qualley, who “misuses” her half of Elizabeth’s existence. The results are horrifying, absurd, and sadly relatable.
…Just not enough for the Oscars :/. Go figure.
But let’s address how much of a foodie movie The Substance is– true, food is often used masochistically, but wow is it used abundantly. Thus, a movie menu to honor the apex film of 2024. Just know that you might have the pause from time to time if you eat this meal while watching. RESPECT THE BALANCE.
The Movie
The Menu
A riff on the Green Beast cocktail (which I thought was apropos for The Substance), these shots are trippy as hell. Just don't overdo it-- CONTROL YOURSELF. Puree ingredients 1 through 4 until smooth. Add Absinthe and food coloring and suck into cocktail syringes. Refrigerate until fully chilled. If you are not a fan of anise-y flavor, feel free to forgo the absinthe and sub in tequila or vodka-- both work just as well! I will literally never look at shrimp the same way having watched Dennis Quaid as Harvey slurp his way through a giant bowl of peel-and-eats. Apparently a bunch of the studio bros at Universal were particularly disturbed by this scene, but director Corlie Fargeat stood her ground. Thus, I had to include an homage. F the man. Start by whisking your remoulade ingredients together until smooth-- refrigerate for up to 2 days. A couple of hours before eating, heat your water until boiling. Add in vinegar, lemon halves, and Old Bay, followed by your shrimp. The water may take a minute to heat back to boiling-- once it does, continue to boil for 2-3 minutes until the shrimp are cooked but still tender. Drain on paper towels or in a collander. Serve chilled with remoulade, and a LOT of napkins. Even though you never really see Sue consume anything except Diet Coke and drugs, I did feel the need to allocate a dish to her. So here's an incredibly nutritious salad that's perfectly symmetrical and sexy as hell. Let's PUMP IT UP folks. In a blender/food processor, puree beet with the rest of the dressing ingredients until completely smooth. You'll end up with a super hot pink vinaigrette that is both salty and sweet. Refrigerate until ready to serve. In the meantime, gather your salad ingredients-- i made little rainbow carrot swirls by fastening them with paper clips and letting them chill for an hour. Plate your salad ingredients, and tackle your oh so perfect egg last (you'll want it to still be warm!). Spray a non-stick skillet with oil and heat on low. Using a large cookie cutter to maintain a circular shape, crack an egg into your pan. Cover and cook for about 3-4 minutes-- you want your whites set but your yolk to still be sunny and disgustingly runny. Serve with salad and vinaigrette, and remember-- pretty girls always SMILE. To roast a beet, trim top stem and bottom root and wash the beet thoroughly-- dry off with a paper towel (if you use a cloth one, it will get VERY stained). Rub with olive oil and wrap tightly in a couple of layers of aluminum foil so that it's completely sealed inside. Roast at 400 for about an hour until softened. Allow to cool inside the foil-- unwrap, and then peel away the skin before using. Elizabeth loves her poultry-- as indicated by the plates of chicken bones she leaves strewn about her apartment (and as exhibited by Sue's belly button drumstick. Gag). I did not stuff this bird with foie gras, I'm not a monster-- but I did partially debone it and fill it with some bloody aromatics. Served over cheesy, canary yellow, pommes aligot, and you've got a main course that oozes gluttony. Just make sure to clean up after yourselves. Start by prepping your chicken to be gutted and stuffed full again. Ewwwwww. What we want to do is partially debone this little sucker-- ie keep the wings and legs, but remove the back and breast bones. To accomplish this, I followed the steps that are captured in this neato instructional video. Spread your blood orange chunks, garlic, and thyme across the inside of the chicken, and season generously with salt and pepper. Drizzle with olive oil. Then, bring the boneless halves of your chicken together and (using a bbq skewer to create holes in the skin) stitch the back of the chicken back up with black kitchen twine at 1 inch intervals. Rub the exterior of the bird with more olive oil and season generously with more salt and pepper. Place on a cookie sheet with a wire rack, and roast at 425 until the thigh reads 165 degrees internally (about an hour). Allow the cooked chicken to rest uncovered for at least 10 mins before cutting. While you wait, grate all your cheeses and collect your other ingredients for a hot mess of a pommes aligot dish. Boil potatoes in salted water until fork tender, and drain. Strain, and pass through a ricer to make sure they are as smooth and soft as possible. Put your potatoes back in the dry pot, together with your other ingredients. Mix over low heat, stirrning aggressively, and pretend your smashing the face of the person who stole your youth. The cheese will melt, and result in stretchy, delicious texture. Plate chicken on top of a whole slop of pommes aligot, and GO. TO. TOWN. Just try not to choke on any bones, and for gods sake clean up afterwards.
Activator Shots
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
PEEL-AND-SLURPILY-EAT-SHRIMP
Ingredients
Remoulade
Shrimp
Instructions
SUPERFOOD SALAD WITH A SEXY, HOT PINK DRESSING AND A PERFECT EGG
Ingredients
Sexy Hot Pink Dressing
Superfood Salad
Perfect Egg
Instructions
Notes
LATE NIGHT EVISCERATED CHICKEN STUFFED WITH BLOOD ORANGES AND THYME OVER A POMMES ALIGOT MESS
Ingredients
Eviscerated Chicken
POMMES ALIGOT
Instructions
Epilogue
A FOOD REPLACEMENT SYSTEM
For those who can't stomach the previous recipes I've listed, I give you a settling lemon/ginger smoothie. Sip on it, preferably through an IV bag if you're committed.
Ingredients
- 1/2 cup Non-fat Greek Yogurt
- 1/2 cup Ice Cubes
- 1 tsp Lemon Zest
- 1 tbsp Lemon Juice
- 1 tbsp Honey
- 1 1/2 tsp Grated Ginger
Instructions
Puree your ingredients in a blender/mixer and hook yourself up!
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!