The Substance
The Substance is possibly the most disgusting movie I’ve ever seen. That said, it’s also the most thought provoking film I’ve watched in a good long time. The cinematic references, bless— call me a sucker for a carpet print from The Shining. But all in, it’s so incredibly original that I obsessed, mused, pondered for MONTHS after seeing it. While watching, don’t look away, I beg you– the message is more than worthwhile (thanks director Coralie Fargeat, you badass).
IMO Demi Moore was robbed by the Academy for her performance as Elizabeth Sparkle– an aging, ex-aerobics superstar who is desperate to remain relevant in the face of a disgusting, male dominated industry. After a car accident, a mysterious but beautiful young man hands her a business card that will change/split her life in two. What emerges (literally) from a subsequent procedure is a beautiful doppelgänger played by Margaret Qualley, who “misuses” her half of Elizabeth’s life. The results are horrifying, absurd, and sadly relatable.
…Just not enough for the Oscars :/. Go figure.
But let’s address how much of a foodie movie The Substance is– because it IS. True, food is often used masochistically, but wow is it used abundantly. Thus, a movie menu to honor the apex film of 2024. Just know that you might have the pause from time to time if you eat this meal while watching. RESPECT THE BALANCE.
The Movie
The Menu
A riff on the Green Beast cocktail (which I thought was apropos for The Substance), these shots are trippy as hell. Just don't overdo it-- CONTROL YOURSELF. Add cucumber, mint, simple syrup, lime juice, and 3 oz of chilled water to a blender-- mix until cucumber is completely liquified and the mix is a light green. Strain into a tall glass and add your absinthe and food coloring ('cause why not with some extra chemicals). Stir to combine, adding more chilled water to taste if needed. Chill completely before sucking the mix up into cocktail syringes for serving. If you are not a fan of anise-y flavor, feel free to forgo the absinthe and sub in tequila or vodka-- both work just as well! I will literally never look at shrimp the same way having watched Dennis Quaid as Harvey slurp his way through a giant bowl of peel-and-eats. Apparently a bunch of the studio bros at Universal were particularly disturbed by this scene, but director Corlie Fargeat stood her ground. Thus, I had to include an homage. F the man. The remoulade is easy-- just blend up in a mini food processor and refrigerate until ready to use. The shrimp are equally simple. Add vinegar and Old Bay to your water in a medium pot and bring to a boil. Add lemon and shrimp and cook for 3-5 minutes until the shrimp are pink and fully cooked through. Serve with remoulade and an extra squeeze of lemon if you have it, and try not to throw up as you go to town. Not having shrimp heads to suck on should help. Even though you never really see Sue consume anything except Diet Coke and drugs, I did feel the need to allocate a dish to her. So here's an incredibly nutritious salad that's perfectly symmetrical and sexy as hell. Let's PUMP IT UP folks. Start with the dressing-- puree all ingredients in a mini food processor or blender until completely smooth. Refrigerate, and move on to your salad superfoods. If you make the aesthetic decision to swirl your carrots, wind them tightly and secure with paperclips-- allow to sit for an hour or more to keep their sexy swirly shape. To make your egg, spritz a non-stick skillet with olive oil and heat on low. Use a large cookie cutter, also sprayed with olive oil, to ensure your egg fries into a perfect circle. Cook, covered, for 3-5 minutes until the white is set but the yolk is still yolky. When ready to serve, slide your egg onto a plate and surround with salad ingredients, drizzled with your hot pink vinaigrette. MWAH. To roast a beet, trim top stem and bottom root and wash the beet thoroughly-- dry off with a paper towel (if you use a cloth one, it will get VERY stained). Rub with olive oil and wrap tightly in a couple of layers of aluminum foil so that it's completely sealed inside. Roast at 400 for about an hour until softened. Allow to cool inside the foil-- unwrap, and then peel away the skin before using. Elizabeth loves her poultry-- as indicated by the plates of chicken bones she leaves strewn about her apartment (and as exhibited by Sue's belly button drumstick. Gag). I did not stuff this bird with foie gras, I'm not a monster-- but I did partially debone it and fill it with some bloody aromatics. Served over cheesy, canary yellow, pommes aligot, and you've got a main course that oozes gluttony. Just make sure to clean up after yourselves. Preheat the oven to 425 and get ready to fuck up a chicken. The first thing you need to do is cut out the backbone-- you can use kitchen shears or a sharp knife to cut along both sides of the spine to remove. You then partially debone the bird by cutting all the way round the ribcage and through to the underside of the breast bone. I wouldv'e taken pics to demonstrate but my hands were a gd mess so here's a vid of a fancy pants chef showing you the ropes. Just go up to minute 4:00 and you'll end up with something that looks like the face sucker from Alien. Drizzle generously the inside of the chicken with olive oil and sprinkle liberally with salt and freshly ground pepper-- layer on blood orange, garlic, and thyme springs as seen above. Now it's time to bring together both sides of the back and stitch! I used a bbq skewer to help make puncture holes in the skin, and black kitchen twine for the "stitches". Rub the exterior with softened butter and again sprinkle liberally with salt and pepper. Place on a rack (breast side down!) and roast for about 50 mins. Then take five minutes to rant incoherently at the world. In the meantime, add your potatoes to a pot of salted water and boil for about 40 mins. While you wait, prep your pommes aligot MONSTRO ingredients. When your potatoes are tender, run them through a ricer until smoth, then add the remaining aligot ingredients over low heat. Stir, until you get a level of cheesy stretch that is just INSANE. At this point, your chicken should be about done (take it out at around 165 degrees at the joint, and let it sit for 10 mins). Serve over a hot messy mess of chicken and rip into that sucker like you have no working fingers but a hell of an appetite.
Activator Shots
Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Peel-and-Slurpily-Eat-Shrimp
Ingredients
Remoulade
Peel-and-Eat Shrimp
Instructions
Superfood Salad with a Sexy, Hot Pink Dressing and a Perfect Egg
Ingredients
Sexy Hot Pink Dressing
Superfood Salad
Perfect Egg
Instructions
Notes
Late Night Eviscerated Chicken Stuffed with Blood Oranges and thyme over a Pommes Aligot Mess
Ingredients
Eviscerated Chicken
Pommes Aligot
Instructions
Epilogue
In case you were too grossed out…
A Food Replacement System
For those who can't stomach the previous recipes I've listed, I give you a settling lemon/ginger smoothie. Sip on it, preferably through an IV bag if you're committed.
Ingredients
- 1/2 cup Non-fat Greek Yogurt
- 1/2 cup Ice Cubes
- 1 tsp Lemon Zest
- 1 tbsp Lemon Juice
- 1 tbsp Honey
- 1 1/2 tsp Grated Ginger
Instructions
Add all ingredients to a blender and puree until smooth. You're welcome.
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!