The Witches
I loved and feared The Witches as a child. It’s always been that moment early in the film, when “Ereeka’s” father sees the painting. CHILLING. But this is why I love late 80’s and early 90’s movies for children– they were often dark and absurdly grotesque in a way that mirrored the experience of childhood itself. Author Roald Dahl was a master of this in his books, and though it’s known he didn’t appreciate how the ending of The Witches differed from the one he published in 1983, I think producer Jim Henson and director Nick Roeg were successful in creating a film that visually frightens, disgusts, and entertains all at once.
And let’s just take a moment and appreciate Angelica Houston as the Grand High Witch. My own gramma taught me that if I didn’t have anything nice to say I shouldn’t say anything at all– so I won’t say anything about the new Witches remake featuring Anne Hathaway in the iconic role… except that no one (especially Anne Hathaway, oops, I said it) could ever replicate Angelica’s performance as her grandness, Miss Ernst, the evilest of all evil witches. Seriously, just look at this lewk, collective Lukes:
So now it’s time to gather your loved ones close (including children, if they dare, the stinking little carbuncles), and enjoy a meal suited for 1990’s The Witches. You are in for a treat.
The Movie
The Menu
My very latest, and very greatest, magic formula-- a sweet and slightly bitter Jager cocktail that's very similar to this common German shot. "One doze, and ze time works to ze second. But more zan five dozes, breaks ze delay barrier... and ze formula works INSTANTLY." Her grandness speaks the truth. If drinking straight up, freeze a martini glass ahead of time. When ready, fill a cocktail shaker with ice and all of the ingredients. Shake until completely chilled, and pour into your cold martini glass. If you'd like something a little lighter, you can also serve this cocktail in a highball glass with ice and a splash of club soda. I almost made both cock-a-leekie and cress soups, because I've always wondered what Bruno's father was missing out on. But having tried this surprisingly easy recipe I realized entitled Mr. Jenkins was 100% right to demand the cress. It's like a creamy, potato-y bowl of goodness so luxurious you don't even realize you're getting a full serving of greens too. Poor cock-a-leekie, always second choice... First, prep your ingredients-- and make sure your watercress is thoroughly rinsed! Peel and chop your potatoes last, or they will brown (if this starts to happen before you add your potatoes to the soup, you can keep them in a bowl of ice water until they are needed). Add butter and olive oil to a pot and melt over medium heat until butter begins to foam. Add leeks and celery to the pot and stir to coat. Sprinkle with a pinch of salt and a bit of cracked pepper. Caramelize for about 10 minutes until mostly translucent, adjusting heat as necessary to prevent leeks from burning. If potatoes have been soaking, remove them from the water and drain thoroughly. Add to the pot and stir to coat. Add chicken broth and bring to a boil-- reduce heat to low and cover the pot. Continue to simmer, covered, on low for about 20 minutes until potatoes have softened. Next, add cress to the pot and stir for about a minute until the greens are wilted. Remove the pot from heat. Using an immersion blender, puree the soup until creamy. If you do not have an immersion blender, pour your soup into a food processor or regular blender and puree until smooth. Add lemon juice and cream and stir to combine. Season with additional salt and pepper to taste. Note, if you think it needs more, you might be a witch. Transfer soup to two bowls and serve, topped with a tsp of chives each. After consuming, check behind your ears for fur, just in case. If you don't have access to leeks, you can substitute 2 shallots, chopped, or 1 medium onion. I just wanted to offer up an homage to cock-a-leekie-- I still feel bad for it. A cheesy pre- and post-transformation snack for Luke and Bruno Jenkins (a boy who has VERY strong opinions about butter vs margarine on his sandwiches). Note, I kept this cheese and pickle tea sammie recipe as traditional as possible with only a few tweaks. If you can't find a jar of Branston pickles, opt for a generic apple chutney-- the sweet/savory flavor is much closer to a British "pickle" than dill or butter pickles. Gather together your ingredients, making sure to allow the butter to soften for 5-10 minutes until spreadable. Spread one slice of bread with butter, and layer on cheese followed by arugula. Spread second slice of bread with pickle/chutney, and place atop your cheese/arugula/butter half. Cut into quarters diagonally and enjoy (but avoid just nibbling around the edges, the management can be fussy). The witches know how to tempt and trap revolting little children with sweets. But Norwegian Gramma Helga also has her vices, namely sugar and cigars! So, as a special treat, I've combined the two concepts with a Norwegian butter cookie cigar dipped in chocolate and nut ash. Diabetes be damned. Allow butter 5-10 minutes to soften. Add flour, baking powder, salt, and spices in a medium mixing bowl, and using a hand mixer, add softened butter and mix until fully incorporated. Add sugar to the bowl and continue to mix. In a separate bowl, lightly break up egg with a fork and mix in vanilla. Pour egg mixture into the dry ingredients and stir with a fork until a dough forms. Form into a disk, wrap in plastic wrap, and refrigerate for at least an hour (and up to overnight). When ready to assemble, first preheat your oven to 375, and then lightly flour a cutting board. Divide your dough disc into 9-10 equal portions, and using your fingers roll into cigar length shapes-- they should be just slighly thinner than your finger. Bake on a sil-pat lined baking sheet (use parchment paper as an alternative) for about 15 minutes until the ends just begin to turn a golden brown. Cool on a rack. While your cookies cool, toast your chopped walnuts in a sautee pan over medium heat-- be careful, they burn easily! Next, melt your chocolate chips in the microwave, about 1-2 minutes with stirring. Dunk the ends of your cookies in the melted chocolate, followed by your nut ash. Place chocolate dunked cookies on parchment paper as you go, and refrigerate for an additional hour to allow the chocolate to set before serving.
Formula 86
Ingredients
Instructions
Cress Soup
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Notes
Cheese and Pickle Sandwitches
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Instructions
Norwegian Chocolate Cigars
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Instructions
Epilogue
This meal for The Witches is only one of many, many movie menus I have planned for the various Roald Dahl film adaptations that exist (my brain is currently awhirl with Boggis, Bunce and Bean themed treats). In the meantime, I encourage you to take a look at Roald Dahl’s Revolting Recipes Cookbook— a compilation of deliciously disgusting dishes inspired by the foods featured in Dahl’s books. Yum?
‘Til next time…
For more menus, check out my movie directory here!