Hocus Pocus– what a goofy ass time. Is it deserving of critical acclaim? No. But it’s a Halloween staple that everyone loves so much Disney just released a sequel 29 years later. And Sarah is STILL REALLY FUNNY! Both Hocus Pocus 1 & 2 star …
HEEYYYY YOUUUU GUYYYYYS, it’s National Junk Food Day! Which could really be any day for me, especially if pizza is involved. And I’m relatively certain this would be the case for The Goonies too– which is why you now have a pirate-y, Chunk-y, highly fattening set …
So, to be completely 100% all the way honest, I wasn’t a huge fan of Waitress when it was released in 2007. At the time I knew nothing of the broadway musical that would come later that same year, and I had already seen (and loved) The Good Girl starring Jen Aniston in 2002. Now, of course, I’m in my 30’s and any movie featuring a smarter-than-her-town jaded heroine hits the spot for me. Also it’s a really good foodie movie. ‘Cause see the main character Jenna also happens to be her town’s pie genius.
Having inherited her late mother’s gift for making a pie fit any occasion, mood, or change in the weather, Jenna debuts all of her culinary creations at Joe’s Pie Shop where she waits tables. Jenna has a horrible home life with a loser, epically selfish and abusive husband (Jeremy Sisto, ugh what’s wrong with me he’s still a stud)– and then she finds out she’s pregnant. With a damn. baby. Good thing her new gyno happens to be incredibly handsome (Nathan Fillion, ahem), sensitive and super into her. What follows is a whole lotta self examination and realization and Jenna coming into her own and who really cares because, like the patrons of Joe’s, we’re here for the food.
So for this cute movie I made some very sweet (and one savory) pie or pie-like treats. I prioritized my selections based on those that actually got their own visual vignette in the film, but feel free to pick any of the other numerous pies Jenna references! Just do as I did, for the sake of your waist line, and make some of these pies personal sized. Luckily, all of the below recipes can be baked at the same temps and for roughly the same amount of time, so despite the volume it’s all a piece of … you know. HAPPY PI DAY!
Per the handsome doc, coffee (and most definitely booze) are on Jenna's "bad food list". Good thing none of US are pregnant.
(if you are you shouldn't drink this...)
Ingredients
8 oz Brewed Coffee, chilled
2 tbsp Simple Syrup
2 tbsp Whiskey
3 tbsp Cream
Whipped cream **SEE NOTE
Nutmeg, for garnish
Instructions
Fill a high ball or sundae glass with ice. Pour in the coffee, syrup, cream and whiskey, stirring until mixed. Top with the whipped cream and sprinkle with nutmeg.
Notes
If you want to make whipped cream from scratch-- BRAVO. It's super easy and way more delicious than what you'll find in a can. Just check out my On the Side how-to.
I Don't Want Earl's Baby Pie
Yield: 9 inch Quiche
Cook Time: 2 hours2 seconds
Total Time: 2 hours2 seconds
One of the first pies of the film: a savory quiche filled with brie and smoked ham. Nothing says "I wish I could shirk my parental responsibilities" like a bunch of broken eggs!
Ingredients
1/2 Sister Mary Edwina's Pie Crust **SEE NOTE
5 oz brie
2/3 cup smoked ham, chopped
6 eggs
1/4 cup cream
1/2 cup milk
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
2 tbsp sliced scallion, divided
Instructions
For quiche, you'll need to blind bake your crust (otherwise, you run the risk of a soggy bottom and that would be a dman shame! Preheat your oven to 375. Roll out your portion of pie crust and line a 9inch pie dish-- crimp the edges all pretty like (there's a very usefull how to at Food52). Prick the bottom of the crust with a fork several times (this will prevent air bubbles from expanding beneath the crust as it bakes.
You can further prevent uneven crusts by lining the dough with parchment paper and weighting it with dried beans or pie weights (more on that here). Bake for 11-12 minutes until crust just starts to turn a pale gold. Remove from the oven and set aside to come to room temperature-- reduce the oven temp to 350, and get started on your filling.
Whisk eggs, dairy, salt and pepper together. Layer chunks of brie, ham and half of your scallions on the bottom of your cooled pie crust, and pour your egg mix over your fillings.
Bake for roughly 45-50mins at 350-- the center should still have a very slight jiggle when it comes out of the oven, as the quiche will contine to set as it sits. When ready to serve, sprinkle with a few of the remaining scallions.
MMM a dark chocolate cream pie drowned in caramel-- all it needs is some extra salt to bring out the perfect level of bitterness.
Ingredients
1/8 Pie Crust recipe (about 4oz dough) **SEE NOTE
3/4 tbsp salted butter, room temperature
1/2 cup bittersweet chocolate chips
1/4 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 cup granulated sugar
1 tbsp cornstarch
2/3 tbsp unsweetened cocoa powder
1 egg yolk
1/3 cup heavy cream, room temperature and divided
2/3 cup milk, room temperature
2-3 tbsp Caramel Sauce **SEE NOTE
Flaky Sea Salt
Instructions
Start with your crust. Preheat the oven to 375. On a piece of wax paper, roll out your dough into an 8 inch diameter circle. Place a 5inch pie tin over the dough...
.. and flip it over. Peel away the wax paper and press the dough into your mini-pan, crimping the edges. Bake for 5-10 minutes until golden brown. Remove and set aside to cool completely.
Now for your filling! In a medium bowl, whisk together the sugar, cornstarch, cocoa, espresso powder, and salt. Add 1/2 of the cream and the egg yolks-- continue whisking until smooth.
Pour this mixture into a medium saucepan over medium heat, whisking ask it begins to warm. Gradually whisk in the remaining cream and all of the milk. Bring to a very soft boil, whisking constantly as the mixture thickens (approximately 1 minute).
Remove the saucepan from the heat and pour the mixture back into your mixing bowl. Add the chocolate, butter and vanilla. Stir until everything is melted and the mix is smooth. If you have any stray lumps, you can pass the filling through a strainer to nix them.
Now, place a sheet of plastic wrap over the chocolate mix and press down to seal the top-- you don't want any air pockets, or you run the risk of a skin forming over the chocolate. Chill the mix in the fridge for 30 minutes to an hour before spooning into your cooled pie crust.
Before serving, pour your caramel sauce over your pie and sprinkle with flaky sea salt. For best slicing, refrigerate the pie overnight before serving.
Baby Screaming It's Head Off in the Middle of the Night and Ruining My Life Pie
Yield: 1 4inch Cheesecake
Cook Time: 1 hour
Additional Time: 2 hours
Total Time: 3 hours
Ok Ok this is not a pie. It's a NY style cheesecake. But Jenna made it, so it's not cheating! Especially since this one is low calorie and still creamy delicious enough to make the late night child care a little more bearable.
Ingredients
1/3 cup graham cracker crumbs
1 tbsp salted butter, melted
1/2 tbsp granulated sugar
1/2 cup cream cheese, softened to room temperature **SEE NOTE
1/8 cup greek yogurt, at room temperature **SEE NOTE
1/8 cup granulated sugar
1/4 tsp vanilla extract
1/4 tsp lemon juice
1 small egg, room temperature
1/8 cup brandy
1/8 cup pecans, roughly chopped
nutmeg, for garnish
Instructions
Preheat oven to 375-- time to assemble your graham cracker crust!
Combine graham cracker crumbles, sugar and melted butter in a bowl-- the mixture will be like a grainy wet sand.
In a 4 inch springform pan (or, if you don't have one of these, you can always make 3-4 mini mini cheesecakes in a lined cupcake tray), firmly press heaping tablespoons full of the crust mix into the bottom. Prebake the crust for 5 minutes, and set aside--reduce the heat to 350.
For the filling: Using a handheld or stand mixer fitted with a paddle or whisk attachment, beat the cream cheese and granulated sugar together on medium-high speed in a large bowl until the mixture is smooth and creamy, about 1 minute.
Add the sour cream, vanilla extract, and lemon juice then beat until fully combined. On medium speed, add the egg and beat just until combined. Batter will be thick.
Pour the batter over the graham cracker crust (make sure your spring form pan is completely sealed!).
Tightly wrap the bottom and sides of the springform pan in aluminum foil-- then, submerge the pan in a water bath (the water should only come up about halfway along the sides.
Bake until the edge of the cheesecake is set and the middle has a SLIGHT jiggle-- about 35 mins (or, if you're using a muffin tin, 20 mins).
Once finished, set the pan on a wire rack and allow to cool at room temperature for 30 minutes. Refrigerate for at least 2 hours. Once fully chilled and you are almost ready to serve, brush the top of the cheesecake with brandy.
Add chopped pecans and nutmeg as a final garnish and hot damn that's yummy.
Cheesecakes will keep in the refrigerator for up to 5 days.
Notes
Most cheesecake recipes will call for full fat everything. And that's wonderful, but you know what's better? Finding a recipe that's just as good with low fat ingredients-- and this is one of them! Feel free to use reduced fat cream cheese and yogurt and you'll be much more willing and able to shove all these other pies in your face.
Earl Murders Me Because I'm Having An Affair Pie
Cook Time: 1 hour
Total Time: 1 hour
A dark and bloody red pie for dark moods. I added the broken heart-- seemed appropriate.
Ingredients
1/3 cup all-purpose flour
1 tbsp cocoa powder
1/2 tbsp granulated sugar
2 tbsp salted butter
1 to 2 tbsp water
4 oz blackberries
4 oz raspberries
1 heaping tbsp sugar
squeeze lemon juice
2 tsp cornstarch
Instructions
As per usual, crust is first! In a bowl, stir together flour, cocoa, sugar, and salt. Cut in the butter until pieces are pea sized. Sprinkle 1 tablespoon ice water over the mixture and gently toss with a fork. Press into a ball and, if pieces are falling off, add a bit more water to the mix. Form into a disc and refrigerate for 30 mins.
Roll pastry from the center to the edge of a piece of wax paper, working to create a thin circle about 1/8 thick. Using a heart stencil or a sharp knife, cut 3 hearts out of your dough about 2 1/2 inches tall.
Roll out the remainder of your dough into mini pie sized discs. Crimp edges as desired (I used a fork to make angled indents.
In a small mixing bowl, CRUSH the remaining ingredients with your BARE HANDS until you get a jammy consistency.
Fill your crusts with berry mixture and, after cutting your dough hearts into two jagged halves, place them on top of the berry filling.
Bake until crust is just turning a more golden brown.
I Can't Have No Affair Because It's Wrong and I Don't Want Earl to Kill Me Pie
Yield: 1 4inch Pie
Vanilla custard with banana (hold the banana).
Ingredients
1/8 portion Sister Mary Edwina's Pie Crust Recipe **SEE NOTE
1 egg
1/3 cup milk
4 tbsp heavy cream
Pinch nutmeg
1/8 tsp vanilla
2 1/2 tbsp sugar
Whipped cream, for topping **SEE NOTE
Instructions
Preheat your oven to 375 (again). Prep your pie crust (again)-- just look at the other pie recipes for gods sake.
Once you have the crust in its little pie tin, use a spoon to imprint little scallop edges.
Then (huge surprise, I know) prebake your crust for 5 minutes and set aside to come to room temperature. Reduce heat to 350.
In a small bowl, whisk together the remaining ingredients excl the whipped cream topping. Because, duh.
Pour custardy pie filling into your prebaked and cooled crust (you don't want scramby eggs at the bottom!).
Bake for 35 minutes until custard is set. Serve chilled or warm (but not too warm or your damn whipped cream'll melt!).
So, our Waitress baker Jenna describes this one as “Lumpy oatmeal with fruitcake mashed in. Flambéed of course." If you want, you can of course soak this sucker in brandy and light it on fire, but don't go nuts and burn your house down. Please. Here's a how to on how NOT to do that.
Ingredients
1/4 cup quick-cooking oats
2 tbsp all-purpose flour
2 tbsp brown sugar
3 tbsp cold butter
pinch clove
2 tbsp chopped pecans
2 tbsp red candied cherries
1 tbsp chopped dates
1 tbsp chopped candied pineapple
2 tbsp butter, softened
2 tbsp packed brown sugar
1 small egg, room temperature, lightly beaten
2 tbsp corn syrup
hefty pinch each of ground cloves, ginger and nutmeg
Brandy, for lighting on fire!
Instructions
LAST CRUST. And this one is a little tricky.
Preheat the oven to 350. Mix oats, flour, sugar, clove, and COLD butter-- very important, as this crust does NOT work with softened or melted butter.
Once your dough reaches a wet sand consistency, press into the bottom and sides of a 4 inch pie tin. Here's where it gets iffy-- using another pie tin, weight the little crust down with pie weights or dried beans. As this particular crust cooks, it tends to swell as the oats absorb the butter. This step helps your crust stay crust shaped! Prebake your crust, remove from the oven and reduce heat to 350.
Now for your filling! You should have a heaping 1/2 cup full of the dry ingredients...
... which you'll mix together and add to your prebaked crust. Whisk your wet ingredients
Collect your filling ingredients and fill your oatmeal crust-- you should have a heaping 1/2 cup full.
In a small bowl, cream butter and brown sugar until light and fluffy, 5-7 minutes. Beat in the eggs, corn syrup, cloves, ginger and nutmeg. Pour over fruit mixture.
I got nothing except for the fact that now all I wanna do is rewatch Felicity. Earl or Dr. Pomatter; Ben or Noel. Damn Keri Russell gets into some solid love triangles…
Most of us can’t see Tenet in theaters (already dating this post), so I figured there’s no better time for Inception– a mind-bendy Chris Nolan film with an equally mind-bendy menu. Rewatching Inception, I always hearken back to older retro sci-fis like Dreamscape and Dark …